


Minute by Minute

by Lisa94



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Cheating, Disabled Character, Hippotherapy, Horseback Riding, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2018-12-19 20:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 56,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11905494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisa94/pseuds/Lisa94
Summary: Isak is angry at the world after his ex Julian cheated on him. But he can´t escape his life or his ex. He needs the help of his friends to find to himself again. (Basically Isak going through the five stages after a break-up)





	1. Anger

**Author's Note:**

> Big thank you to  Jenn for beta-reading this monster!!!

*** Anger ***

 

“Isak, calm down!”

 

“Calm down?” Isak shouted. “Fuck you!” There was the picture frame with the photograph of their first date next to him on a shelf and seconds later it flew through the air almost hitting Julian in the face. Not the first thing that had missed his goal tonight.

 

“Jesus Christ! Would you stop it?!” Julian was screaming too now, hands in front of his face to shield himself and Isak could do nothing but laugh humourlessly.

 

“I´ll stop as soon as you are out of here.” His voice was dangerously quiet as Isak crossed his arms in front of his chest. There was a burning behind his eyes and if Julian didn’t leave soon he would break down for sure. And he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t show his weakness in front of him. Not now. Never again.

 

“C'mon Isak. You can’t just throw me out! This belongs to me too.” Julian stayed where he was standing in the middle of their living room. Isak was already looking for the next thing to throw. The vase Julian’s parents got them for the new house. All the stupid books about horse riding that no one ever read. Fucking trophies that did nothing but collect dust. All of them would make good weapons and probably hurt enough for Isak to be satisfied.

 

“Julian, I swear. If you don´t leave this house right this minute after the shit you pulled – I will give you hell until you hurt just as much as I do right now,” Isak threatened with wild eyes.

 

“You’ve always been so dramatic.” It was the tone in which Julian told him a fact that he had told him many times before. Like he didn’t even care. For them. For him. Like Isak was just this annoying thing. Like he had to pity him. Little Isak and his over-dramatic behaviour.

 

“Get out.” Luckily this time Julian listened. As soon as the door was closed Isak felt the tears roll down his cheek. He had given his all into this relationship. Moved cities. Had to start fresh. And for what? Another Heartbreak. Isak just wasn’t made for love. He didn’t know what to do. Standing in a room where everything reminded him of the asshole that just left the house. And hopefully his life as well. He needed it all gone. Everything that reminded him of what he did. How he ruined Isak´s life. The first thing that had to leave was the fucking picture of them. Framed and hanging proudly above the fireplace. They looked happy. In love. The heartbroken man felt like puking looking at it.

 

Isak dried his tears with the back of his hand and went over to the fireplace. He smiled down at himself in the black and white picture. Julian had his arm around Isak, smiling lovingly at him with his nose buried in Isak´s curls. At that time Isak had thought this was forever. They had been at his sister’s wedding. Julian had whispered all night about how their own wedding would look like. One day. Maybe soon. They were so happy that they got it printed and framed in the biggest size available. Every night that the two had spent on their couch they would look at that picture, talking about their future. Isak had believed him.

 

“What a joke,” he told the empty room before getting the picture off the wall and smashing it onto the floor. Bits of broken glass flew everywhere. Isak sunk down to his knees in the middle of them. Crying hard. Hugging his knees close to his aching body. Trying to hold his hurting heart together. And the tears wouldn’t stop. Sobbing uncontrollably he looked down at the pieces that were once his future.

 

*

 

Isak felt like he couldn’t get up. His back was hurting even when he didn’t move a muscle. Opening his burning eyes he realized that he was still in his living room, glass around him. His left arm was burning. The room was a mess. Someone was there. Talking to him. But Isak couldn’t really understand what they said. Who was it? From his position on the floor he could only see feet in riding boots.

 

With every passing minute Isak´s brain functioned a bit more. Right. He had ended things with Julian. Wanted to get rid of everything reminding him of the asshole. Slowly he sat up, careful of the glass. And finally recognized not only Jonas but also Eva in front of him.

 

“Did you get robbed?” was the first question Isak actually registered. His back was killing him. And his eyes, burning and dry, didn´t want to stay open. He blinked a couple times to get them moist again. His left arm was giving out from where he was holding himself up and Isak looked down, only to see a lot of blood. Did he sleep in the glass?

 

“Isak? Hey, are you okay?” Jonas touched his shoulder. Isak nodded. Then shook his head. He didn’t know. He mostly felt empty.

 

“Do we need to call the police? An ambulance?” Eva asked concerned, studying his bloody arm.

 

“No. It … it was me. I did this,” Isak finally spoke and his throat was sore from crying all night.

 

“Why?” Eva asked looking around in the room that was a mess.

 

“I needed to get rid of Julian’s things,” Isak said quietly and tried to stand up. Jonas was at his side in a second to help his stiff body over the broken glass and to a safe place to sit.

 

“Did you have a fight?” Isak almost laughed at Eva´s question. No fight could be this drastic in a relationship that Isak would want to be in.

 

“I threw him out. He’s not coming back,” Isak stated and finally started to feel like he could function on his own. “Can you guys get to work? I need to clean this up.”

 

“Isak, you’re not okay!” Eva exclaimed. But Jonas put a reassuring hand on her shoulder and shook his head. “But Jonas, we can’t just leave him here like this. He´s bleeding!”

 

“I can hear you,” Isak interrupted tiredly. “Can you just go? Anni will be here soon and someone has to do her session.” Fucking Julian for leaving him with a job Isak never really wanted. Fucking Coward dragged Isak out here to follow his own dream only to leave him.

 

“C'mon,” Jonas said and without looking up Isak knew that he meant Eva. “We’ll run the ranch today. I will look over emails and everything. You can clean up, Isak. But we will check on you. And we’re having lunch together.” Fair enough. Isak simply nodded.

 

“Yeah, no. You can go but I won’t leave this house until I know at least your wound is okay!” Eva was like an annoying mother hen. Which was nice most times but right now Isak just wanted everyone out of the house.

 

“I´m fine,” Isak argued weakly.

 

“You’re not. Now shut up and let me help you.” Eva made a quick trip to the bathroom and came back with an antiseptic and some bandages. With their jobs little wounds happened all the time, so their – well now Isak´s – bathroom cabinet was always well stocked with first aid items. Eva crouched down next to where Isak was sitting on the sofa and sprayed the antiseptic on his wound to disinfect it and wash away the dry blood. The wound wasn’t as big as it had looked at first. But Eva still wrapped the bandage around it and looked up at Isak.

 

“I’ll let you do what you feel like doing. But please be careful.” Isak nodded once again and Eva sighed. “We’re outside if you need anything. Or want help with this.” She pointed at all the broken memories spread around the living room. Isak just sent her away.

 

He started biting on his thumb nail once Eva was out of the house. It was quiet. No one was in the bathroom getting ready for the day. No one was cleaning the house. No one called for him to discuss their lunch. Isak was truly alone.

 

Looking around the room from where he was sitting on the couch, he could see almost all of his living space. They only had a bungalow. Kitchen, living room and dining room were in the same room. The only other two rooms were the bathroom and the bedroom. Both were a comfortable size. Much more than Isak ever needed. But just like with the new city and the new job – he hadn’t really been asked.

 

Thinking about his relationship, he had always just said yes and went with it. It was better than having his heart broken again. It wasn’t bad to hold himself and his own wishes back when he could have a great, loving and functioning relationship with a great man, right? But in the end it hadn’t helped. The heartbreak came. Anger was back in his system and he got up to get his trash bin and collect all the broken glass.

 

Next was the now broken picture frame with the picture of their first date. He didn’t even look at the picture before throwing it away. With the living room somewhat clean, Isak left the trash bin at the door and went into his bedroom. The one room that was supposed to be private. Just theirs. Apparently not for Julian. Isak gathered the bedding and threw it through the door in the direction of the main door. Next was the mattress. The young man lifted the heavy thing and tried to get it off the bed and through the door. Which wasn’t as easy as he had thought and by the time he let it drop at the front door, he was out of breath.

 

But at least it was out of the room. Opening the door he was immediately greeted with the familiar smell of horses and just – farm life. His life. He was looking straight ahead to where Eva was putting the holster on one of the smaller ponies while talking to small Anni in her wheelchair. Good. He needed the kids to be okay. Isak didn’t look up while he was pushing and pulling the mattress towards the dumpster at the other end of the property. He knew that Eva saw him. And Jonas. And probably Anni and her parents. But if he didn’t look up, he wouldn’t have to meet confused eyes and wouldn’t have to explain himself.

 

It was even harder to get the mattress over the pebbles that were everywhere on the property. The stupid mattress got stuck every few steps and Isak´s fingers started to hurt where they dug into the foam and slipped every so often. Isak welcomed the physical pain. It was better than what he was feeling. With the mattress finally at the dumpster, he left it next to the container and got back inside to get the bedding and the trash bin. Not too far away from the dumpster and main entrance was the blue construction trailer with red shutters. They had rebuild it and made it into a nice living space for the kids when it was raining or to hold birthday parties for the kids. Next to it was the riding hall where most of the therapy sessions happened. Eva was just on her way over to it with Anni when the two of them saw Isak getting rid of his things.

“Is Isak sleeping outside today?" Anni asked.

Isak saw Eva shrug. 

”I don’t know what Isak is doing.”

He didn’t want to explain himself which is why he left his eyes on the ground and hurried past them and back inside.

 

Two hours later Isak was sitting on his couch, looking through every movie and tv show that Netflix recommended to him. He wasn’t really paying attention and he hadn’t even made up his mind yet if he really wanted to watch a movie but it gave him something to do. It was calming him down to click on his remote in a steady rhythm. Which is why he didn’t stop when the door opened behind him, and Eva and Jonas sat down on either side of him.

 

“Can I tell you about today, with you listening?” Eva asked while getting out of her vest, leaving her in a t-shirt. It was the beginning of summer after all. Isak merely looked in her direction before going back to switching the movies. “Anni’s session was good. We did the usual stuff but during the session she was telling me about how her brother’s friends were mobbing her for her wheelchair. So at the end of the session I gave her the reins and let her do it by herself. Of course I was right by her side in case she would fall and I had one hand on the bridle but she was really happy after the session. After lunch it’s Toby’s turn but Jonas will work with him.”

 

“Yeah. So I was going through your office. And by the way – what was Julian doing in there? Everything is messed up! Took me forever to find anything,” Jonas took over.

 

“Not the only thing he messed up,” Isak muttered. He could feel Jonas’ eyes on him but was glad when he didn’t ask questions.

 

“Well, you had a couple requests regarding open spots. I didn´t know if you had any so I printed them out for you to look over.” Isak took the papers and threw them on the couch in front of him.

 

“So, what are we watching?” Jonas asked, eyes darting between Isak and the tv on the wall. Isak finally stopped his useless clicking and handed Jonas the remote.

 

“I don´t care.” He didn’t even really want to watch a movie. Just get his mind off things. Not that it was working.

 

“Let’s just watch this one.” Jonas clicked on the movie Isak had stopped on and put the remote next to him on the couch.

 

“Alright. I’m gonna make lunch.” And while the two men started watching some action movie, Eva got into the kitchen to cook the first proper meal Isak would eat that day.

 

*

Isak ate on the couch watching movie after movie without really watching them. He distantly noticed Jonas and Eva leaving after the two had also washed his dishes. But Isak wasn’t in the headspace to be a good friend or host right now.

 

He was on Season 2 of American Horror Story – at this point, pretty sure that he wouldn’t be able to sleep ever again – when his phone  _ bing _ ed with a new text message. Isak wanted to ignore it but picked up his phone in the end anyway.

 

**_Julian_ **

_ Are you still mad? I want to come home. _

 

**_Isak_ **

_ This isn’t your home anymore. _

 

It probably wasn’t the smartest thing to text back. He should’ve just ignored it and forget about Julian. But a small piece in his heart still had hope for them. And that piece was hard to kill.

 

**_Julian_ **

_ Both our names are on the contract. And nils couch isn’t that comfortable. _

 

**_Isak_ **

_ move to your boytoy’s. He won’t mind. _

 

**_Julian_ **

_ he’s not my boytoy. _

 

**_Isak_ **

_ you fucked him! In our bed! _

 

**_Julian_ **

_ still no need to call him a boytoy. _

 

_ And by the way we didn´t just fuck on our bed. _

 

Isak saw red. How can someone that was so close to you for so long be such an asshole? How messed up in the head must one be to bring his affair home and fuck in their home?! In more rooms than just the bedroom? Isak felt gross just sitting on the couch. He felt gross being in this house. Wherever he looked, he saw Julian and that guy doing it. Tears were coming back and Isak turned off the tv, grabbed his pillow and blanket, and moved to the barn. They had a spare bay that still had enough hay in it to be comfortable and Isak made it his bed for the night. It was loud and horses moved around a lot but he slept better than he would’ve on that couch.

 

*

 

Once again Isak was awoken by someone else. This time it was a high pitched scream from none other than Eva. Tired and already grumpy Isak opened his eyes and tried to sit up in the soft hay. Eva was standing in front of the bay, one hand over her heart.

 

“You fucking scared me! What are you doing here?” she exclaimed and looked at Isak like it was his fault.

 

“I was sleeping,” Isak replied. He left his pillow and blanket in the hay. No way would he sleep on that couch this night. He stretched until his back cracked and got out of the bay.

 

“Why? You have a bed.”

 

“No, I don´t. I threw it out, remember?”

 

“Fine. What is wrong with your couch?”

 

“Everything.” Before Eva could ask any more questions, he left her in the barn and went back to the house. He was hungry and rummaged through his cabinets in search of food. But all he could find was a random box of cereal. Better than nothing. It would have to do. Isak ate his breakfast outside. Who knows what Julian and his boy had done on their table. He’d rather not eat at it. Instead Isak sat down in his doorway and looked over his ranch. Jonas was cleaning the paddock and Eva was nowhere to be seen. But Isak was sure that she was feeding the horses. It was a nice day out and the sun was already doing its best to warm the earth. Normally, Isak would get dressed and use the early hours to take his horse on a long ride through the near nature. It was always the most relaxing thing to do before he started working. But thanks to his asshole of an ex, he had other things on his mind. Like the cheating asshole on their dining table.

 

His chewing became more aggressive and once he was done,he got up and put the bowl in the sink. Julian was gone. And no matter how little he liked it – this was his house as well. And fuck he wouldn’t let someone that was so untrustworthy make his home feel disgusting. Isak didn’t even change out of his pyjamas but went straight to work. The couch was the first thing to leave. It was an L-shaped couch and heavier and harder to move than Isak would’ve thought. His fingers hurt from where they were digging into the fabric. He let himself fall backwards in hope of moving the couch with his entire weight but it wouldn’t budge.

 

“Fuck it.” Isak gave up and walked into their storage room where he found an old carpet knife. With it in hand, he got back into the living room and jammed the knife into the fabric. It actually felt good and Isak could feel the stress and anger leave his body little by little with every hit he gave the couch. It took him a couple of hours and his muscles were aching by the time he was done, but he finally got rid of the fabric and the weird stuff underneath it. Breathing hard, he looked around the living room. The carpet and the small table were covered with all he’d ripped out. The wood frame was still in one piece, but it would be easier to move now that he could actually grip onto something. He just needed to get it out of the house. Luckily, they had an axe to chop firewood that he could use.

 

“Isak?” There was a knocking on his front door and he could tell that it was Jonas. He loved his friends. But he had just found an outlet for his feelings, and just wanted to be alone to keep on destroying the life he and Julian had had together. “I need to talk with you about those new clients. They keep asking if you have open spots for them.” Yes. Definitely not something Isak wanted to talk or think about right now. He didn’t answer, in hope of Jonas getting it and leaving.

 

And he did. Isak sat down where he was standing and took a breath. He could smell himself, and the sweat made his shirt stick to his back. But he felt tired and hungry and that was better than angry at the world. He looked over to the kitchen, not sure what to cook. Julian had always been the one to cook and Isak – well, he would survive but other than the very easy university food he always made himself while studying, he was useless in the kitchen. He didn’t even know what groceries were still in the fridge.

 

He was useless on his own.

 

*

 

Isak kept working on his newfound strategy against the constant anger he’s felt ever since he saw the naked ass of an stranger on his bed. He didn’t let anyone into the house. He lived off the food they still had, ate a lot of it raw – mainly because he had no idea how to cook it. Or how to make it taste good. He spent his days with his new friends, the carpet knife and axe. Jonas and Eva let him do his thing but he knew about the looks they gave him and the whispered conversations whenever Isak was outside but not talking to them.

 

They gave their friend a week and a half. But then the time came when Jonas and Eva couldn’t handle it anymore and made him face reality.

 

“Isak!” Jonas came over to where he was still using the axe to destroy the table. The fucking table Isak couldn’t eat at anymore because of what might have happened on it. Jonas was leading a horse. One of the ones he had just used for a therapy session. “Any chance that you’ll be working on  _ your  _ ranch today?” Jonas sounded annoyed and concerned at the same time.

 

“It´s not just mine.” Isak´s tone was close to anger. Sure, he was re-doing the house because it was now only his. But a house was different than the freaking ranch. The ranch meant a lot of work. He had no idea how half of it even worked.

 

“Yeah, well you’re the one who’s here. Nobody knows what happened between you two, but this here? You can’t take a life-long break of it. You´re a therapist for disabled kids. They need you, Isak.” Jonas normally always knew what to say. But right now, Isak didn’t want to be pushed. He didn’t want to hear the truth.

 

“You and Eva are doing just fine,” Isak said between closed teeth and brought the axe down once again.

 

“Isak, we’re working twice the hours we’re supposed to work. We are two people for six sessions everyday. Plus the work with the horses and your office? We don’t have time to do all of it. I have no idea how all the administration things work. For all I know, you could have ten new clients and no one would know about it. I can’t do more than printing some things and taking calls.” The horse next to Jonas started to nibble on the wood and Jonas took a step back to get the horse away from it. “Breakups are shit. We’ve all been there. But you’re the boss. And you need to act like one. Eva and I? We can’t do this much longer.”

 

“Can’t you just do it until the end of the week? I need to get this out and off the ranch,” Isak asked quietly.

 

“I don’t know why you’re doing it, Issy. But it’s not healthy. All you’ve done this past week and a half is isolate yourself and work until you’re too tired to even eat. You need to stop, Isak. Please. We’re worried.” Isak wet his lips and finally stopped working. Immediately, he had a salty taste on his tongue. Sweat was running down his face and he wiped his forehead before the sweat dropped into his eyes. Before he could answer, a car was driving up the driveway. Both men looked down the road to figure out who it was.

 

A man in way too many clothes for the weather stepped out of the car and walked over to Jonas and Isak.

 

“He´s new. Talk to him, okay? Do your job. Come back to the real world.” Jonas smiled at him and led the horse away in the direction of the paddocks. Come back to the real world? The real world was a fucking nightmare and Isak was living it. Still on the edge of being angry Isak threw the axe into the already destroyed wood pieces and brushed his sweaty hands off on his pants.

 

“Ehm … hi! I’m looking for someone in charge?” The stranger approached Isak and pushed his sunglasses up in his blonde, wild hair. He was wearing a t-shirt and a denim jacket over it combined with some blue jeans. It was a wonder to Isak how he wasn’t sweating in this heat.

 

“That would be me!” Isak put on his best smile and put out his hand for the other guy to shake. “Isak Valtersen. Owner of this ranch.”

 

“Even Bech  Næsheim. I called a couple times and wrote emails but could never  get a hold of anyone.” Jonas was right. Isak lost clients because of his makeover mission. It was a harsh reality. He needed to work to earn money. Having someone else do it wasn’t working.

 

“ I’m sorry about that. We had some problems with the technology in our office and are just now starting to get through everything that was sent.” Isak made up some half-ass apology.

 

“ Oh, okay. Ehm … I just called because I was wondering if you have an open spot for therapy?” Even didn’t seem to confident in asking. But seconds later, he was back to holding himself high and giving Isak a cocky smile.

 

“ We do, yeah. What kind of disability are we talking?” Isak asked.

 

“ It´s not really … well, no. It is. Ehm -” Isak gotten good at reading people over the years he’s done this job. So it didn’t take long for him to realize the looking over his shoulder and fiddling with his hands wasn’t just a nervous tick.

 

“ We can go in our office to talk, if you rather do this in private?” Even nodded as Isak grabbed his shirt that was hanging over the fence and showed him the way to the office that was attached to the barn. He almost rolled his eyes at himself. Here he was – the boss of the ranch – with a potential new client’s parent and half naked.

 

“ I’m sorry for the mess. We’re renovating. Takes time and a lot of construction when you live where you build.” Isak moved some old binders off the chair in front of the desk to offer Even a place to sit. “Do you want something to drink?”

 

“ A water please.” Isak nodded and went to the small kitchen. He was so sweaty and still half naked. Isak used the tap water to wash his face and arms. With the last remaining dish towel, he dried himself off and put his shirt back on. His snapback was left on the counter and he tried to get his hair into something that wasn’t the sweaty, nasty thing it was now.

 

This had been Julian´s thing. The office. Isak had been busy with the kids and the horses. How long had Julian been fucking with him, if the office was such a mess? He for sure wasn’t working here every time he’d told Isak. It made him want to throw out everything in here as well. Not wanting to let Even wait any longer, he got a glass out of the cabinet and filled it with tap water.

 

“ Okay.” Isak sat down in the office chair and opened the calendar. “What´s the disability?”

 

“ It´s just a mental thing. Bipolar disorder?” Isak nodded and got a client information form out of the desk to write it down. “I don’t know if that is enough, but – I read about people with ADHD really gaining something from hippotherapy and ehm I was hoping that it might centre someone in a manic phase as well?” Even was looking down at the messy desk.

 

“ It’s true. It does help. We don’t say no to certain disabilities. It’s okay to say that bipolar disorder is a disability. It’s not a bad thing. Society gave the word disability a bad feeling but it’s really nothing to feel bad or ashamed about.” Isak smiled kindly at Even and wrote down some more information about why the therapy was needed. “How old is your child?”

 

“ Child?” Even asked and Isak frowned. “Yes. Or relative?”

 

“ Um … yeah. No. I-it’s about me. I was looking for therapy for me.” Isak ran a hand through his hair and dropped his pencil.

 

“ Sorry, but we only work with kids.’ He looked apologeticlly to Even.

 

“ Yeah! I know that. It says so on your homepage. But you’re the only one around the area so I thought I´d try.” Even shrugged but Isak could tell that he was defeated.

 

“ I’m really sorry. But you know if I make one exception, I have to make a second and -” Isak tried to explain.

 

“ No, I understand. It just sucks when you’re finally ready to get help and you can’t find it,” Even scoffed.

 

“ I can try to find someone else? Someone that works with adults?” Isak offered. Even shook his head and looked back down. He looked so defeated and Isak really wanted to help him.

 

“ No, it´s okay. But thank you, for your time.” Even got up and left the office before Isak could say a proper goodbye. Isak really would’ve liked to help him out. But you can’t save everyone. He watched the door close before looking around in the office. It was a mess. Isak understood now why Jonas didn’t want to work in here anymore. It needed to be cleaned and organized. Not that Isak knew anything about the administration work.

 

Isak decided to clean up the desk. He organized some papers, and get the calendar back on track and to the correct date. Pencils lay around and the keyboard of the computer was covered in written on papers. They didn’t look like anything important so Isak just threw them away and kept on organizing. In the end, the therapist had to stop because he didn’t really know what more to do with it. He would need someone that could work in an office. Or someone that could work with the kids so that he was able to learn how to do the office work. Just three people for the entire ranch wasn’t enough. Jonas was right. He had to come back to the real world.

 

*

 

“ A lot of people are looking for an office job. But just for a couple of hours a week.” Eva was still typing on her laptop.

 

“ Maybe you should stick with one of those. Hippotherapists are rare as it seems.” Jonas was scrolling on his phone. The three friends were sitting in a café near the ranch and looking for a new colleague. His friends had been glad that Isak was finally ready to actually do his job and were happy to help.

 

“ But are only a couple of hours enough? I have no idea how much work it actually is,” Isak sighed and stirred his coffee.

 

“ Have you never talked with Julian about what he did all day? Or talked about it before you opened the ranch?” Jonas was back to be his practical self. Isak rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair.

 

“ I’m not sure how much would be true. I don’t trust him.“ He could see the questions in his friends’ eyes, but they kept silent.

 

“ Okay, how much can you pay someone? That is important to most people when looking for a job.” Eva brought the conversation back to the important topic.

 

“ I don’t know!” Isak was frustrated. He’s just now realized how much of his – their – life Julian had had under control. Julian went grocery shopping. Julian handled the finances. Julian made sure they had enough clients. All Isak had to do was work with the kids and feel good about himself when seeing them smile. “It was never any of my concern.”

 

“ You need to figure this out. How much you have to pay each month for the ranch. How much for us. How much for you. Maybe Julian still has it written down somewhere in that messy office of his. He has to. No way does he have all of that only in his brain. You need to know if and how much you can pay someone before hiring anyone.” Jonas was his age. How was he so much more … mature?

 

Isak looked down into his coffee. He needed to find a solution before his frustration won and his brain shut down. They needed help. A couple hours would probably be enough. Just enough for them to figure out the rest. Maybe some of the parents would want to help out? But they had their own lives. And most of them dressed like they didn’t want to touch anything dirty. But for their kids? To make sure that their kids could keep their therapy spots? All he needed was someone, who -

 

Isak looked up. “I have an idea.”

 

He gave Eva and Jonas the rest of the day off. They had worked hard enough the last few days. Isak parked his car in the main parking lot and rushed into the office. Where was it? If only he hadn’t cleaned up in here. He digged through the papers until he found the client information form with the name  _ Even Bech Næsheim _ on it. Isak scanned what he had written down. Bipolar Disorder. Centred during manic episodes. Adult. Shit. He needed a phone number or something to contact him.

 

Maybe he hadn’t just called but also written them an email. Isak started the computer but was confronted with a password screen. Julian never said something about a freaking password! Groaning Isak let his head fall back and rolled his eyes to a point where it almost hurt. His angry feelings toward Julian grew with every minute something didn’t like he wanted to.

 

“ Let’s see if you had a heart after all,” Isak said more to himself and typed in their anniversary date. But he was met with an error. Asshole. Isak knew everything about the human body, could give you an diagnosis in your living room but anything tech related? He didn´t know how to hack into a computer. His computer! He liked to think that they still had been happy when they started their ranch project so the password should be something about them. That´s what people in love, do. Right?

 

The only other thing Isak could think of that Julian might have chosen as a password... if it wasn’t that then it wasn’t something that had anything to do with Isak or their relationship, and that would make the whole thing near impossible...typing in the location of their first date, the one both of them had always loved thinking about, got Isak weirdly nervous. He needed Even’s contact information. His heart beat a bit faster when the desktop actually changed into the home screen. Finding Even’s contact information wasn’t all that easy with all the emails they’d gotten but it worked out in the end. He finally found the email address and would hopefully have a new worker and help sometime soon.

 

*

 

The next time Isak saw Even, both men were in the riding hall sitting on plastic chairs watching Eva giving a session. Isak had emailed Even and asked him to come to the ranch to discuss his idea. It must have been really important to Even if the  _ yes  _ he almost bawled out was anything to go by.

 

“ So you’re offering me a job?” Even clarified after Isak had explained his proposition.

 

“ Yeah. I need more workers here and I can’t pay right now. But maybe you’d be willing to work a couple hours each week and I can give you some sessions in return.”

 

“ But doesn’t that go against your exception rule?” Even raised his eyebrows in question and actually looked at Isak now. He was watching the kid on the horse with much more interest before.

 

“ You’re not paying me. I mean it’s more of my way of paying you. For working for me,” Isak tried to explain. “Listen, you can say yes or no. But I need an answer.”

 

“ Yeah!” Even agreed, looking surprised at Isak´s outburst and Isak felt bad. A bit. But he also needed someone to get his life back on track and it better happen soon. “I guess I can move my job around a bit and work for you, too.”

 

“ Okay, that’s great. I can show you the ranch and what your work will be. And we can talk about what days you can work?” Isak wished that he sounded more like the boss he was supposed to be. But he had no idea how that worked. Half of this business was his and he didn’t even know how to run it. With every new thing that Isak couldn´t handle in a professional way, he hated Julian more. For what he had done. But also for what he hadn´t done during their relationship.

 

“ That sounds good,” Even smiled. Isak nodded and looked back to the girl on the horse.

 

“ That’s the riding hall. All of the therapy sessions are held here. During the summer we sometimes ride through the fields behind the ranch but mostly when it’s too hot to be in this hall. On some days you can’t breath in there.” Isak didn´t look behind him but he was sure that Even followed him when he left the riding hall and stopped in front of it.

 

“ This is our playroom for the siblings.” Isak pointed to the construction trailer. “We have toys in there but also boxes with different themed decorations for birthday parties that the kids can hold here.” Even nodded, trying to remember all the new information that Isak was giving him.

 

“ That’s basically the boring part.” Isak continued his walk. “Dumpster, main entrance and parking lot. Then here’s our barn. The horses are only in the barn at night. They get their breakfast and are out in the paddock for the rest of the day. Eva, Jonas and Iwork with the horses but I don’t mind if you watch and do some simple tasks as well. It does help with grounding yourself. It’s not so much about being on a horse but working with a horse. Whenever you feel like you need it, just tell one of us and you can come with us.” The two young men walked inside the barn that was now empty. It had the smell of summer and horses that Isak had learned to love.

 

“ There’s nothing too special in here. You can see the name of the horse on every bay. And the saddles and everything else are in those lockers at the end of the barn. But you’ll learn that when you work with us in here.” Isak waited for Even to have a look around and then left the barn through the same door. “The paddock is right next to it.” Isak just waved at it but didn’t stop to let Even really look at it. It was just grass after all. “And then here is the office.” It was right across from the barn and paddock and the minute they stepped into it Isak wanted to punch himself for not cleaning up. It was still an absolute mess.

 

“ Please don’t feel like you have to clean all of this up. Like I said, it’s a lot right now. But I will clean the office sooner or later. Just … try to ignore it while you work in here.” The smaller man actually felt embarrassed. Why was he so bad at this boss thing? How hard could it be?!

 

“ What exactly would my work here be?” Even asked.

 

“ Right. We have a lot of unanswered  emails and phone calls – as you know,” Isak added as he remembered that Even tried to contact them multiple times before showing up in person. “It would be great if you could work through those. We also have a homepage that hasn’t been updated in years. If you feel like doing that, it would be appreciated. Maybe look over our time tables. Take new client information.” Even started to smile at Isak.

 

“ So basically I can do whatever I want.” And Isak was annoyed again.

 

“ I don’t pay you, so I cant askyou to do a 30-hour week’s worth of work. I need help in here so whatever you can do just … do it.” It may have come out a bit more aggressive than Isak intended.

 

“ Okay,” Even whispered and Isak closed his eyes for a second. He needed to remind himself that Even wasn’t Eva or Jonas. He wasn’t always on Isak’s side because they were friends. He couldn’t talk to him like he talked to Eva and Jonas.

 

“ Sorry,” he muttered and shook his head. “I have … I just have a lot of stress right now.”

 

“ Whatever.” Even waved it off. “When do I start?”

 

“ Whenever you can. Maybe … tomorrow?” Was that to early? Should he give him a normal date like the first of the month? Or wait until next Monday? What is a normal date to start a new job?

 

“ Okay. I´ll see you tomorrow, Isak.” Even smiled once more at the younger man and left the office. He shouldn’t be so nice with the way Isak acted around him. Groaning, he left the office through the side door that opened into his living room. He needed one of those  _ How to Be a Boss for Dummies  _ books.

 

*

 

The next morning started for Isak on the floor of his now empty bedroom. Well, not entirely empty but the bed was gone and he hadn’t yet bothered with a new bed or an air mattress. A bunch of thick towels had been all he had slept on. Looking through the room, he thought about the other rooms and how much he had thrown out in those. He barely had any furniture left. Which made him feel better in the way that he didn’t have to see gross mental images all the time, but it also meant that his newfound therapy against his anger was no longer available.

 

Isak needed hard work to tire his body out and get his thoughts to stop racing. He should just do what Jonas asked of him and start working again. For real. The same hours everybody else here worked. With new found motivation, Isak got up and already  felt stiff in his back. His diy-bed wasn’t a long term solution. But he had to keep moving. He got his jodhpurs out of the closet and put a tight shirt over it. With his jodhpur boots on he almost felt like himself again. To block out the sun, he got his snapback on the way out and got to work before breakfast.

 

Eva and Jonas weren’t there yet but should start soon. Isak got into the barn by himself to feed the horses and made his morning rounds to check if the paddock was still safe and no horse could escape. It felt good to work hard again. To be back in his routine.

“ Morning!” Isak had just gotten back from the end of the paddock when his best friends turned up. He waved at them and was glad that neither pointed out him working again.

 

“ Hi. Can you two do the sessions again? I would but Even is coming in today to work and I want to make sure I’m there in case he has any questions.” Eva was grinning but nodded. “The horses are already fed and the paddock is checked. I’ll let them out and clean out the bays after.”

 

“ Dude, you don’t have to do it all. We’re here to work too,” Jonas half laughed.

 

“ No, I’ll do it. It’s time. And I wont work this afternoon so…”

 

“ So … Even.” Eva was still grinning. “Since when is he Even?” Isak knew that Eva really wanted to know why he didn’´t use his last name.

 

“ Don’t we already know that I’m a terrible boss?” Isak asked.

 

“ You’re not. You’re just … out of practice,” Jonas soothed him. Out of practice. He never had to be in practice. He was learning step by step.

 

“ Whatever. It’s Even. Who works here and won’t be called by his last name. Now … do something. I have work.” Isak left his friends standing where they were but smiled as soon as his back was to them. He was starting to feel better.

 

By the time that Isak was done with his work he was starving, sweating and feeling tired. All of the things that he wanted to achieve by working again. He did feel a slight bit happier by the time he stepped foot in his house and let cold water run down his arms. As soon as he felt his circulation somewhat normal, he splashed some water on his face and threw his snapback on the table – only that it wasn’t there anymore.

 

“ Fuck.” He was too used to everything. But for now he couldn’t care less about it laying on the floor. He was too hungry so he started to go through his cabinets. He still couldn’t find some amazing meal. But in the back of a drawer was half a bag of pasta and some tomato sauce he would only need to warm up. Easy enough. Even Isak should be able to do that.

 

At least he knew where the pots were, he thought sarcastically. While he waited for the water to boil, he went into the bedroom, where he had left his iPhone, to check the time and if anyone had tried to reach him. But the notification on the display wasn’t what Isak was expecting and he felt his mood change just by reading the name.

 

**_Julian_ **

_ have you calmed down yet? _

 

**_Isak_ **

_ i won’t be calm with you around. Leave me alone. _

 

**_Julian_ **

_ come on! I’m sick of this couch. I won’t fuck up again i promise. _

 

**_Isak_ **

_ you fucked up one too many times. You should look for a room. _

 

**_Julian_ **

_ you can’t throw me out of my own house! _

 

**_Isak_ **

_ already did. _

 

**_Julian_ **

_ all my things are there! _

 

**_Isak_ **

_ not anymore. _

 

He didn’t give Julian much more thought but locked his phone and put it away. There were too many emotions in him when it came to Julian. Anger was the most prominent one. His water started to boil and the hot water escaped through the lit. Perfect image for how it looked inside of Isak. He put the pasta into the water and got another pot to heat up the tomato sauce. Both his pasta and the sauce were almost done when -

 

“ What happened here?” Jonas sounded confused and Isak jumped. When he turned around, still stirring the pot with one hand, he saw Jonas standing at the door and looking through the mostly empty house with wide eyes.

 

“ What?” Isak wanted to know, not feeling like answering the question. Or any.

 

“ Ehm -” Was Jonas really that shocked? That he even forgot what he wanted here?  “Even’s here. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to … well, what your plan was.”

 

“ Of course he is,” Isak muttered. He wasn’t even  able to eat his lunch. “Just … take him with you to the session or something. I’ll be out in a minute.” He at least needed to finish cooking before he not only had no bed but also no house because it burned down. Jonas left without another word and Isak finished cooking, mixing the pasta with the sauce in the pot and covering it with the lid. Lunch was going to have to work as dinner.

 

As his stomach grumbled with the growing hunger, his mood went even more south. Isak put his snapback back on, got at least some crackers and left his phone where it was. No need for giving the asshole any more chances to ruin his day.

 

Even was on his way to the riding hall when Isak got out of his house. He didn’t see Eva or Jonas but the two had to be somewhere.

 

“ Even!” Isak called. He had to remind himself that Even wasn’t at fault. Even didn’t cheat on him. Even had been nice to him since he first came to the ranch. He had to be nice as well. Isak could’´t afford to lose him as a colleague. Even turned around and came toward Isak with a smile on his face when he saw him.

 

“ Hi. Jonas told me to wait in the hall.”

 

“ Yeah, I told him that. I just had to finish cooking before I could meet you. But it´s all done now. Let’s go to the office.” Isak turned around and walked towards the smaller buildng right next to his house. “Just leave your backpack wherever,” Isak said and waited next to the desk for Even to put it aside. After that he waved for Even to sit down behind the desk.

 

“ Alright, Boss. What do I have to do?” Even asked once he was sat behind the desk. The man had the self-confidence Isak wished he could have.

 

“ Like I said, it’s mainly about the administrative work. I wrote down the usernames and passwords. Don’t change them. Took me long enough to figure them out.” Isak showed Even the piece of paper with all the passwords he would need to know. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see that Even was giving him a funny look but decided to ignore it.

 

“ Different drawers mean different papers. We have client information forms. Contracts. Accounting. Privacy policy that I need you to sign as well. Over there in the shelves are all the records of our kids and you can read them. You will meet the kids and hear stories, so I need you to sign one of these.” Isak laid the paper in front of Even who grabbed a pen from the desk.

 

“ Of course. But I wouldn’t talk about anything I see or hear here.” Even made sure to look deep into Isak’s eyes. And Isak believed him.

 

“ I’m sure you won’t. But it’s still a must.” Even signed and gave it back to Isak, who took it to make a copy later.

 

“ Right. I won’t have you sign a contract because I’m not even paying you. That means you also don’t have a three month cancellation period. If you decide it;s not your thing, just tell me. Another thing is … do you realize when you’re manic or depressed? Or is it an outsider that needs to tell you that you’re slipping?” Even looked a bit taken aback by such a direct question about his mental state. But it was Isak’s job and this was something that he could ask with confidence and not second guess it.

 

“ I don’t always know that I’m slipping. But I know when I'm manic or depressed. Is that...is it important that I do?” Even asked with confusion.

 

“ It’s not important for this job. But if you feel yourself slipping and not able to work, a text would be nice. Just so that I know why you’re not coming in. It doesn’t matter if you can’t come for three weeks but I need to know that. And please tell me when you feel yourself starting a manic episode. We can work more with the horses than in here during that time. It is why you here after all.”

 

Relief took over Even’s face and Isak wondered what shit Even must’ve experienced in the past that a simple question about his bipolar got him this self-conscious. Maybe he should get on a horse. It always gave the kids a confidence boost.

 

“ Mhm … maybe we should pick a day of the week that you don´t work in here but we work with the horses. To get you used to them,” Isak thought out loud. But it did make sense and hopefully the administrative work wasn’t too much. They should have the time to do some therapeutic work.

 

“ Yeah, I’m free. I can be here whenever.” Isak squinted at Even. Didn’t he have a job?

 

“ I’m a freelancer,” Even shrugged.

 

“ What do you do?” The younger man sat down on the chair in front of the table and looked with interest at Even. He liked people that knew what they wanted in life and – if they had to – worked their way freelancing to reach that goal.

 

“ I’m in film editing. Mostly some indie movies that were made with little money and that need someone who can edit the movie into something nice. But it’s fun and I can work from home ... or wherever I want to be,” Even added and smiled at Isak. Maybe that’s why Even’s backpack looked so heavy. He always  had his workplace with him.

 

“ That must be nice. Having that freedom.” Isak looked down into his lap. He’d love some more freedom. But he couldn’t have it. Not with all the kids and horses. Sure, he could always just tell everyone that he was on break for two weeks but he could never have a nice holiday with his friends. Not when his only friends worked for him and no one would be left to feed and move the horses.

 

“ It’s nice to enjoy my job. I can do something that I dreamed of. You know what I mean, don’t you?” Even looked around the office and Isak laughed bitterly. He didn’t feel like explaining why this was’´t his dream. Or the job he would’ve seen himself in. God, some days he still didn’t see himself here.

 

“ So, you can just start with emails. I’ll be in the house if you need something or have any questions. Ehm... that door leads into my living room. Don’t just use it please. Knock and I’ll come but don’t just walk into my home.”

 

“ Of course. I would never do that. It’s your private life in there.” Isak nodded and got up. He could probably trust Even with his business. After all, he now  had access to all the important files. He told himself that he could trust Even. But being cheated on makes you lose some trust.

 

“ I’ll be next door then.” Isak excused himself and used the connecting door. He would finally get something to eat in his stomach and then check on Even. In those thirty minutes nothing bad could happen.

 

*

  
  


It was a good day.

 

Isak was up before his alarm could wake him and he was showered and dressed by the time it did. He even had time to have breakfast before he had to leave for his daily routine on the ranch. Jonas, Eva, and Even came a bit later and were busy all morning. But when Isak was finished with his last session before lunch break and he saw all three of them sitting together he knew that he needed to give them some kind of apology.

 

He was grateful and lucky to have three people that put up with his bullshit. Not only did they put up with him but also stayed with him. Jonas and Eva for years, and Even was here even though Isak was shitty sometimes and by far the worst boss. He had only been with them for a week now but Isak could tell that Even was one of the good guys. And that – deep inside – meant a lot to him. Isak just took the saddle off the horse, put it over the wall of the hall and led the horse by the snaffle to his two friends and Even who were sitting in front of the construction trailer just talking.

 

“ Hey!: he greeted them with a real smile. All three of them greeted him in return with smiles on their faces. “Do you all have plans tonight?” Isak asked. They all shook their heads, no.

 

“ How about I cook something for us?” he asked and let the horse sniff his hand.

 

“ You want to cook? Maybe I  _ am _ busy,” Eva joked.

 

“ Fuck you. I won’t poison you,” Isak retorted.

 

“ Are you that bad?” Even asked.

 

“ No. I’m the fucking master of cooking. They don´t know what they are talking about,” he frowned.

 

“ Well, then I have to taste the delicious dish by Chef Valtersen,” Even bantered.

 

“ Fuck all of you. And be here by seven.” Isak tugged on the rein and walked the horse back to the stable.

 

“ Stop the swearing! There are kids around!” Jonas called after him and Isak simply put up his middle finger. But he couldn’t help a wide – and more importantly real - smile.

 

He stayed in after lunch to look up some recipes that looked easy enough to cook. He wasn’t lying when he said he could do nothing above college level. And a heated up can of soup didn’t really scream  _ I´m sorry _ . So he lay on his stomach on his living room floor with his laptop to figure out what he would even  be able to cook.

 

He tried all the different sites Google showed him but he didn’t even know what most of the ingredients were. Or what those cooking terms even meant. He needed to see what he was supposed to be doing. So he switched to YouTube and typed  _ easy recipe  _ into the search bar. The first video on the page was called “12 easy dinner recipes – dinner recipes for family”.  _ That should do _ , Isak thought. Those three guys were more his family than his real one. Even Even was more family and he didn’t even know him last month.

 

Isak had already spent an hour trying to find the recipe that would work for him, so he went for the first recipe in the video – not feeling up to searching some more. It did say something about turkey sausages but normal minced meat would do as well he thought. At least he knew where to get that.

 

Within 30 minutes, he was ready to catch the next bus into the city and get the groceries. On his way out he saw Eva giving a session in the riding hall, and Jonas and Even standing in front watching her. Even tended to stay aroundlonger than his work hours, but that only showed Isak that he had chosen the right person.

 

“ Where are you going?” Jonas called.

 

“ Getting food!” Isak called back, waving his shopping list.

 

“ Oh, so we don’t get something warmed up?” Jonas was grinning widely and Isak was too happy with how he felt and how good the banter with his friends was to be offended.

 

“ I told you I’d cook!” And with that, he left the ranch to not miss his bus. He still hadn’t gotten his driver’s license and to be honest he didn’t see a reason why he needed it. He was mostly working anyway and the bus down the street drove him wherever he needed to go. Not to mention that traffic was fucking scary. Cars came out of nowhere. Every day you hear about car crashes on the news. He just preferred to not die like that.

 

He was picking up some garlic when his phone rang. It was Jonas. With his phone between ear and shoulder he kept putting groceries into his basket.

 

“ Hi!”

 

“ Hey, just a quick question before we leave. Where are we eating? Should we organize a table? You know since you ..." Jonas didn’t need to finish the sentence. Isak hadn’t even thought about that. He was so used to just eating outside or on the floor that it wasn’t even a concern of his. But of course – his friends hadn’t been in his house since his breakdown. And this would turn out to be a night of questions if they all saw how little furniture he really had left. Things were laying around that once had their place on some piece of furniture and the fact that he didn’t even have a bed left would simply worry all three of them. So it was better to not enter his mess of a home.

 

“ We can eat in the construction trailer.” It had a bench and a table after all. And for four adults it was big enough.

 

“ Ehm… okay. We’ll clean that up then.” Isak could hear Eva and Even talking in the background. Jonas probably had just signaled them to follow him to the trailer.

 

“ Why don’t you just go home?” Isak was already losing his patience. Why won’t they let him do the work?

 

“ Because you don’t have to do everything. Accept it and we’ll see you tonight!” Before Isak could respond, the line was dead. Great. In a very small part of his head, he knew that he could use the extra time to cook but still. He was stubborn and wanted to do this for his friends.

 

By the time he got back to the ranch with two bags filled with groceries none of his friends were left. Before Isak got to the main house to start cooking he had a quick look around the trailer and could only shake his head. The three had not only cleaned up whatever the kids left behind but also set the table. It threw Isak off a bit. The night was supposed to be for them. And they shouldn’t do the work for it. Sighing, he turned around to finally start cooking. It had been a nice act but it still made Isak feel a bit disappointed that he couldn’t have the night the way he had planned it.

 

His kitchen was thankfully big enough to let Isak work. He got his laptop to see exactly what the video uploader had done with the food, and put all the groceries on the countertop. First were the onions. They needed to be sautéd in some oil. Easy. Well at least until Isak had the onion in front of him and asked himself how long he was supposed to cut it to get it as small as it was in the video. He cut it into rings and started cutting each ring until it was small enough to look something like the onions in the video. His eyes were burning and watering by the time he was done and went over to do the same with four cloves garlic. The minced meat was the easy part. He didn’t need to do a lot with that.

 

Once it looked like it wouldn’t make you sick,  he put the baby spinach on top and waited for that to shrivel. The rest was easy enough. Tomato sauce, cheese, and letting it cook until the cheese was melted. It did smell good in the house and Isak’s stomach started to grumble. Looking down at his first ever  _ real  _ dish, he felt proud of himself.  _ I really am Chef Valtersen,  _ he thought. After turning the heat off, he showered and dressed actually nice. With a button down and trousers that didn’t smell like horses.

 

“ Isak? Are we allowed in there?” Eva was knocking on his door just as he came out of his bedroom.

 

“ No!” he called back. “Just wait in the construction trailer.”

 

“ Do you need any help?” Even asked.

 

“ No, I´m good. I’ll be out in a minute!” Isak spent another ten minutes looking for a spatula and then finally brought his food out to his friends. Even was there to hold the door open for Isak.

 

“ It smells really good,” he told him with a smile and Isak felt good about himself. It did smell good.

It was a tight fit and they had to switch seats more than once because  _ your legs are too long, you’re kicking me  _ but in the end they all had enough space to be comfortable. The door was left open and all the windows were too. Warm air came in and mixed with the smell of food. They talked about their day and learned a bit more about Even. It was a nice night. Until it wasn´t.

 

“ The food was really good, Isak,” Even told him after they all were done with the first plate and started getting a second round.

 

“ Yeah, I didn’t think you could do it.” Jonas was grinning at him.

 

“ I should be offended,” Isak told him.

 

“ But are you okay?” Eva asked and looked worried for Isak. And that’s exactly what he didn’t want for the dinner.

 

“ Yes.”

 

“ I just ask because this,” Eva waved at the dinner and table in general “is really unlike you.”

 

“ Maybe I changed,” Isak snapped at her. What is this? And interrogation?

 

“ You did, you know? Jonas said quietly, looking down at his plate. “Change. And we don’t know what happened or how to help.”

 

“ Okay.” Isak got up feeling the old anger burning up again. “I thought it would be nice to cook. Because you two put up with me and because it was nice to welcome Even into our group. But if you are just going to ask questions I won´t answer -” Isak started to grab each plate and stack them on each other. He doesn’t even care that there is still food on each of them and that it would be a pain to clean. “I cooked. I burned myself cooking. I showered and put on something nice. And you two are being just …” He was actually screaming at them and grabbed all four plates before leaving the trailer with them.

 

“ Isak! We just want to help you!” Jonas called after him. There was some rustling but then Eva’s voice that told the others to let him leave. He didn’t care anymore. The one time he wanted to be nice and actually apologize – even when it was through action more than words – they had to ask questions he did’´t want to answer? Why can’t he just be left alone with his shit. He would get through it but talking about it wasn’t what he needed.

 

Back in his house he threw the plates in the sink not even checking if any broke and grabbed onto the countertop tightly until his knuckles turned white. Angry tears were burning behind his eyes but he wasn’t going to let them go.

 

“ Can I come in?” Another knock on his door.

 

“ Leave me alone!” Isak yelled. But whoever was at his door didn’t listen and opened the door. It was Even. He looked straight at Isak. “Go home, Even.”

 

“ Jonas and Eva left,” was all he said.

 

“ Good.” Isak was a bit more calm but his blood was still boiling and his heart beating too fast.

 

“ Listen I don’t care what happened, why you’re angry or why you changed. It’s your business.”Why was he still talking?

 

“ But you’ll feel better without the anger.” Even was a fucking smartass. As if Isak didn’t know it but it was hard to let go of when everyone was against him.

 

“ This isn’t part of your job. Just … just go home, Even.” Isak was tired and wanted a bunch of alcohol and some agressive music.

 

“ No. You go change into something you can actually move in,” Even told him with arms crossed over his chest and Isak looked at him with raised eyebrows.

 

“ Excuse me?” he snapped at him.

 

“ You heard me. I’m talking shorts and t-shirt. C’mon.” Isak let out a surprised laugh.

 

“ No. You are going to leave, though.” Isak wanted to push him out of the house but Even was taller and with the way he stood there in the doorway, he was intimidating okay?

 

“ Where´s your bedroom?” Even was already on his way through the house before Isak could stop him.

 

“ Hey! What are you thinking? Get out! Fuck!” Isak hurried behind him screaming. But Even had already found the closet – the only furniture in his bedroom – and pulled a t-shirt and shorts out to throw at Isak.

 

“ Now change. I´ll wait.” Even gave him a look that told him to better do what he had said and left the room. What just happened? Was Isak really letting Even talk to him like that? A worker to his boss? Why could Isak never say no? Why wasn’t he taken seriously  _ ever  _ ? It had to do with Isak’s character because ten minutes later a grumpy Isak, but changed into new clothes, was standing in front of Even.

 

“ Good. Now come on.” Even left the house and Isak called after him

 

“ What are you doing? This is a perfect outfit to watch tv.”

 

“ On your nonexisting couch?” Even asked over his shoulder with a grin.

 

“ Fuck off,” Isak grumbled and followed Even. They went to the end of the ranch before Even started jogging into the fields behind it.

 

“ Are you kidding me?” Isak said to himself. He hated working out. There was a reason why he enjoyed his Netflix subscription so much.

 

“ Are you coming?” Even called back to him, now jogging backwards and grinning at him. “Or do you want to go back to hold onto that countertop?”

 

“ Fucking asshole,” Isak whispered but started jogging as well. It was more of a sprint to reach Even to preferably kick his ass – literally. How dare he talk to him like that? But Even was fucking fit and whenever Isak thought he had reached him, he was gone again. The two young men sprinted through the fields and the forest behind it.

 

Isak had to push himself to his limit and only when he felt like his lungs were going to explode and little black dots started to dance in front of his eyes, did he stop. He felt for the next tree to lean against and slowly slid down. Even saw him sitting down and came back to him.

 

“ Are you okay?” Even asked only a bit out of breath. Isak shook his head. He felt sick. “Okay, lie down and gimme your feet.” Isak looked at him in question until he remembered that that’s what you do when you’re having circulation problems. He did what Even told him and let him hold his legs. Isak rested his head on the ground and closed his eyes. It took him about fifteen minutes before he felt better.

 

“ I didn’t think you’d make it this far,” Even told him once Isak’s normal skin colour had come back.

 

“ You provoked me,” Isak told him tiredly.

 

“ But it helped, didn’t it? The anger’s gone,” Even asked and let his legs down gently. The anger really was gone. He was just … tired. And weirdly at peace. He opened his eyes to watch the leaves move gently in the wind.

 

“ Thanks… I guess.”

 

“ You’re welcome. You’re helping me with my shit and I’ll help you with your shit.”


	2. Excuses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my timing is terrible. I start my work & travel year in about four weeks and I have no idea how much time I will have to write and when the next chapter will actually be done. BUT I will finish this fic it will just take some time. Again big thank you to Jenn for proof-reading! xx

*** Excuses ***

 

“Three … Two … One.” Isak did one last push up on the dead tree lying on the ground in the wood, before standing up and wiping the sweat with his shirt off of his face. Even was standing beside him, sweating just as much but smiling at Isak with his hands on his hips.

 

“It was good right?” he asked out of breath. Isak nodded, not able to speak. It had been three weeks since Even had made him run through the fields. Ever since, the two men worked out every morning monday to friday before both started their work. Even before breakfast. It was really good. Isak didn't feel the constant anger towards the world anymore. A lot of that was because Even stood in front of his home every morning to work out with him. He wouldn't have been running in the fields and woods for two out of three weeks if it weren’t for him.

 

“Can we go back?” Isak asked. He was getting fitter with everyday but he still found himself at his limit after running for 40 minutes and some cardio in the woods.

 

“Yeah. I´m ready for breakfast,” Even laughed and together they walked back towards the ranch. In this slower pace they needed about an hour but Isak needed it to bring his heart rate back down.

 

“Will you make me something?” Isak asked. It wasn't that he was looking for someone to cook for him but when someone was close that could actually cook, he wouldn't let them go. Also, he felt that he and Even were at a place where they could call themselves friends; so it wasn't strange to ask.

 

“Eggs on toast?” Even checked with Isak. But Isak was open for everything. He was just really hungry after working out right after waking up.

 

“Just feed me. I´m hungry, Isak laughed. They had left the wood and were walking through the fields. The sun was just high enough to peek over the trees and warm their skin.

 

“I’ve made you eggs almost everyday. You should be able to cook them by yourself by now,” Even grinned.

 

“Nope. Can´t do. I don't understand it. How do I know that they're done? What if I wait too long and they burn. Or I try to check too early and they start falling apart. Or what if I get salmonella because they weren't cooked long enough?“ Isak frowned. “You see the problem? It´s better when you make the eggs.”

 

Even looked at him for a minute with wide eyes and his mouth fell open. Isak felt his eyes burning on his side of his face.

 

“What?“ Isak asked irritated. Even simply laughed loudly and threw his head back.

 

“You're something else, Isak.” Grinning, he bumped his shoulder with his boss. Isak smiled right back and bumped his shoulder back with Even´s.

 

Laughing, they came back to the ranch where Eva and Jonas were playing with Anni and Matheo. Both of them were holding a flyswatter and tried to hit a balloon. They were basically playing tennis in an easier version. The kids’ laughter echoed over the ranch and made Isak smile. Dream Job or not, this was what made his work special and heartwarming.

 

It was Monday and Isak´s day to give the session. They were finally back to the old schedule. Isak giving sessions three times and Eva and Jonas each once a week. It made Isak feel like he had his life back together. Working out. Having his friends back. Having his routine back. It gave him something to do. Less time to think stuff over that he shouldn't be thinking about. He did that enough when he was alone at night.

 

Matheo was looking up and waving widely at Isak. The little five-year-old was diagnosed with down-syndrome and had more energy than he could ever let out at home. It was also the reason why his parents brought him earlier. He had some time to play and do what he wanted on bigger grounds than his childhood room.

 

Isak and Even waved right back. They still had thirty minutes before their work day really started. Enough time to shower and have breakfast. Eva looked up and smiled before turning her attention back to the kids. Isak was grateful for his friends. Especially because they were still there even after the drama queen performance he had pulled at their dinner date.

 

_ Two weeks prior _

 

_ Isak felt like he was an unwanted guest on his own property. His best friends tiptoed around him, never talking more to him than they needed. Never talking about anything that wasn't work related. Isak deserved it. He had been an ass. And he knew it. But it was hard to ask for forgiveness. He slowly and with the help of Even lost his anger towards  _ everything  _ but his emotions were still all over the place. And having his best friends so close but still so far away wasn't helping his situation. _

 

_ He needed them. Had always needed them. Isak liked to pretend that he was a tough guy and that he could handle whatever life threw his way. But the truth was that Isak needed people. He needed them to feel grounded. Otherwise, he would sink deeper and deeper into his thoughts and his overthinking and he knew how bad that could end. _

 

_ That´s why a week after the catastrophic dinner, Isak took a deep breath and went over to where Eva and Jonas were sitting on a hay bale having their break. _

 

“ _ Hi,” he said carefully, not knowing what to expect. _

 

“ _ Hey.” Jonas' sounded as uncertain as Isak felt. And he hated it. They were best friends since school days. It shouldn't be like this between them. _

 

“ _ Can we talk?“”Isak asked without looking at them. Eva moved over to make space for Isak between them. With a beating heart he climbed up the hay bale and sat between the two people he felt so far away from. What now? He hadn´t thought this far. With his behaviour in the last week, Isak would´ve never thought that they would actually let him talk. _

 

“ _ I was an arse,” was what Isak decided to start with. “I shouldn't have reacted like that to you being worried.” _

 

“ _ It´s okay,: Eva said quietly, playing with a stray piece of hay. _

 

“ _ It´s not,” Isak argued. _

 

“ _ No it's not,” Eva agreed. “But we know you. You didn't really mean it, did you?” She finally looked up. Did he? He was just so angry. And in his anger he meant what he had said. _

“ _ I just … can't talk about it. Talking about it makes it real and -” _

 

“ _ I know.,” Jonas took over when Isak stopped in the middle of his sentence. “It still was a bit harsh.” _

 

“ _ And I´m sorry. I´m just so …  _ angry  _ all the time. But Even is helping me. We go running in the morning. Makes my anger have another outlet. It really helps.” Neither Eva nor Jonas said anything, both playing with the hay bits that were sticking out of the bale. _

 

“ _ I´m not replacing you with him. He simply offered help and I took it. I haven´t told him what happened. Nobody knows. But I promise you, you two will be the first to know.” Isak hoped that his friends would feel better knowing that. _

 

“ _ We don't need to be the first ones you talk to. But talk to us. We're your best friends and we see you hurting and don't know how to help,” Jonas spoke out what the real problem was. _

 

“ _ I´ll tell you. But it won't change how I feel about it and … all you can do is give me my everyday life back. I need to get out of this bubble of angry thoughts.” _

 

“ _ We can do that,” Eva promised and lay her head on Isak´s shoulder. Jonas smiled at them and put his hand on Isak´s thigh. Deep down they all knew: the trio would always have each others’ back. _

  
  


“I´m going to shower!” Isak told Even once both of them were in his house and Even went straight to Isak´s fridge.

 

“Breakfast will be done in ten!” Even called, to be heard by Isak in the next room.

 

“I'll be quick!” Isak called back and closed the bathroom door. This – whatever this was – was easy with Even. He was just there. Never asking questions. Never judging. The first day he had made them breakfast, he hadn't even looked confused when Isak sat down on his floor to eat. Even had just smiled and sat beside him. He didn't try to fix him or make him change his life. Even helped by giving him all the time he needed. Which was also the reason why Even was the only one allowed inside his home. Eva and Jonas still haven't seen it since Isak´s renovation phase.

 

Isak was fast. He simply washed off all the sweat and did a quick job with his hair. It had started to curl again. He would need to see a hairdresser soon. With nothing but a towel around his waist he left the bathroom and went over to his bedroom to get dressed. His jodhpurs were still laying on the floor but he did get a fresh shirt out of his closet.

 

“Shower´s free!” Isak called while getting dressed. That was another thing. Even used his shower every morning after they worked out. And it should be weird and too intimate for two people that had just met. But for some reason Isak never had a problem with it.

 

“Breakfast is ready!” Even called back. “I´ll shower afterwards.” Isak shrugged to himself and left the bedroom to meet Even in the kitchen. He had already placed the eggs and toast on two plates and was waiting for Isak sitting on the floor with his back to the wall.

 

“Look who smells good again,” Even greeted him.

 

“Look who still stinks,” Isak gave back. He hated compliments. The young man never knew what the correct reaction to them should be.

 

“You hurt me,” Even put his hand over his heart dramatically.

 

“You'll live,” Isak told him and started on his breakfast. He had to enjoy the good food Even made him before it was back to some frozen instant meal for lunch and bread for dinner.

 

“Isak?” Even asked, when they were halfway done with their breakfast. Isak looked up and waited for Even to continue. “Remember when you said we could start working with the horses before I have an episode?” Isak nodded. They had talked about it in the first days of Even working here. But still hadn’t actually done anything.

 

“We should start with that,” Isak told him. He wanted to make sure that Even had a good base when he really needed the therapy. Knew the basics.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay. Are you free today? I mean after your normal work hours? Because I have three clients today. Afterwards, we could start? Not long. Just thirty minutes. We'll start easy.” Even nodded and smiled at Isak. Even smiled a lot and Isak liked it. He needed positive people in his life.

 

“Well then, I'm going to shower and check those emails.” Isak started to wash their dishes while Even went to shower, before leaving the house together to start their work day.

 

*

 

“Anni, look who I found,” Isak called, with the therapy horse of the day behind him. The little girl lit up as soon as she saw Billy – her favourite horse. It was a Icelandic horse and had the perfect size for Anni. It was always a risk to sit on a horse. You could never be sure that everything would go as planned. But with smaller horses, the fall would be shorter.

 

“Jonas will help us with the wheelchair and then we'll start, okay?” Isak asked and walked the horse to the patient lifter, installed to one side of the riding hall. Anni wheeled herself next to them. Jonas came in behind her and took over Billy. Isak let the lifter down with a remote and helped Anni into it. It wasn't comfortable at all – Isak had tried it out himself. So he tried to be as quick but safe as possible. While the lifter lifted Anni out of her wheelchair, he kept a hand on her legs to give her stability and the feeling that someone was there and that she was safe. With the other hand he got the wheelchair out of the way. Jonas walked Billy into its place. Slowly, Isak lifted her onto the horse back.

 

Anni was only paralyzed in her lower body and she was able to keep herself upright. Which made the session easier because she didn't need a second person sitting behind her.

 

“Are you sitting alright? Nothing hurts?” Isak checked while putting the lifter away.

 

“It´s okay.” Anni was already laying on the horse neck and happily cuddling with Billy. She was always happy when she was in contact with a horse.

 

“Okay. Mrs. S ætre? You can come in.” Isak always liked to include the parents. They should be part of their kids life and help them in a way they can't at home.

 

Noora Sætre was one of the parents that actually cared for what their kids did here. At first, Isak thought she would be one of the moms that would wait in a nearby café to not get dirt on their clothes. But Mrs. Sætre never said no when Isak asked her to help with her daughter's therapy.

 

“ Just stay beside her in case she falls,” Isak told her as always and started moving Billy through the hall. He always started the sessions like this. The kids should enjoy their time and not feel the stretch and work out part of it all. And Anni did enjoy it. She was constantly grinning and laughing while riding Billy. Her mother had a hand on her leg at all times but mostly for her own reassurance that she would be there if Anni should start to slip.

 

“ Ready to go a bit quicker?” Isak asked, looking at both Anni and Mrs. Sætre. Both nodded and Isak took a step back, still holding the lead in his hand. With a click of his tongue Billy started to trot and Mrs. Sætre had to start jogging to stay beside her. Anni laughed with her head thrown back – loving the wind in her hair and the movement of the horse under her.

 

He gave her twenty minutes to just enjoy herself on the horse. It was part of her therapy. Just sitting on Billy, being – at least for her – so high above the world it gave her a self-esteem nothing else could give her.

 

“ Alright Anni. We gotta do some stretching, yeah?” He stopped Billy and rolled up the lunge. Mrs. Sætre stepped back and let Isak help Anni lay down on her back on the horse back. He then started to stretch out her legs that normally had the same position for most of the day. It wasn´t a lot and for most people it looked like nothing but it helped Anni a lot.

 

“ Say Bye to Isak,” Mrs. Sætre told Anni after the session, after horse and rider were safely in their wheelchair and paddock. Anni waved at them and Isak turned around to start his second session, with Matheo.

 

*

 

“ We'll be doing this with Waterloo. He´s mine. The actual therapy will happen with one of our therapy horses. But for the basics he'll do. And it means that I don't have to ride him today,” Isak explained to Even, when both of them walked to the paddock to get Isak´s horse.

 

“ Don´t you enjoy horse riding?” Even asked and observed how Isak put the halter on his horse.

 

“ No, I do. And I love my horse. But it's not something you just do. It´s work. And a sport. And if you´ve been working all day with horses and sat on horses for your job … sometimes you just want to chill and not ride another horse.”

 

“ So it´s like when you're working with kids and then get your own kids and suddenly you don´t enjoy your job anymore.”

 

“ Kind of.” Isak frowned at Even. That was a weird example. His horse didn´t live with him. “Anyways. This is Waterloo. And he wants to be led by you to the riding hall.” Isak held out the lead to Even. Even took a step back on reflex.

 

“ I don't know.”

 

“ C'mon. I'm by your side. It's best to learn how to work with horses while you do it. You have to remember that you're the boss. Show him. I mean with your body language. Stand tall. Be confident. And then he´ll follow.”

 

Isak passed the lead over once more and this time Even took it nervously. Waterloo instantly felt it, shook his head and played with his ears.

 

“ Isak? What's he doing?” Even Isak saw that Even was not confident in himself and what he wanted from Waterloo.

 

“ Relax. Be confident and he'll relax as well. I´ll be right here. Nothing bad can happen.” Isak stayed on the right side of Waterloo's head, close enough to grab his halter if anything should happen. Even, with the lead, was on Waterloo's left side.

 

“ Oh my god,” Even whispered. “Did you know that horses are really big? They could probably kill you if they ran over you.”

 

“ Yes. And I still work with them and ride them. They're really nice animals. You just need to know how to act around them. And now stand tall!” Isak laughed. Even did not stand tall but he started walking. Even seemed so confident whenever he was on the ranch. But maybe only because he never actually had to be too close to the horses. But why did he want to have hippotherapy when he was this afraid?

 

“ I´m not afraid. I think I just never realized how big a horse is,” Even answered Isak´s question.

 

“ It´s not a puppy,” Isak agreed. “And we're here. Let me close the door and then you can unclip the lead.” Isak stayed behind to close the door.

 

“ Wait, what?” Even asked but he was already in the middle of the hall.

 

“ Unclip the lead. He won't run you over. I´m here.” Hesitantly, Even unclipped the lead and took a step back. Isak was right by his side. Waterloo just sniffed the ground and walked around a bit until he found a spot that he liked and started rolling around.

 

“ Okay. He´s friendly,” Even said. Isak wasn't sure if he told Isak or himself.

 

“ He is. We're just going to start with the contact today. Let him walk around in here and if he comes up to you just let him sniff. You can pet him but only on his neck,” Isak told him in a calm voice to not alarm his horse.

 

“ Are we doing this with every horse?” Even asked never taking his eyes off Waterloo, who was back on his hooves and walking around.

 

“ If you want? I need you to feel safe around a horse. To help you during an episode you need to be in contact with a horse. If after today you feel safe with Waterloo but not with the others we can have this little contact exercise with every horse after the sessions.” Isak was in his element and for once was able to tell Even exactly what he wanted. Being a therapist was easier than being a boss.

 

“ We'll see,” Even said and Isak saw him gulp when Waterloo came towards them.

 

“ Stay calm. Let him trust you. Stand tall.” Even tried to follow Isak´s instructions but it wasn´t easy for him, Isak could tell. Waterloo came over and nudged Even with his muzzle. Even stayed where he was. “Pet him. But with slow movements. Don't scare him.” Isak had taken a step back to give them space to get to know each other.

 

Slowly, Even raised his hand and started to pet Waterloos neck. The horse let his head down and rested one of his hoofs. A sign of relaxation. Isak had to smile and Even seemed to be a bit more comfortable, loosening up.

 

“ He´s relaxed. That's really good,” Isak told him and waited where he stood. Even started to smile as well and got more secure in his task. He even started to pet Waterloo with both hands. That was all that Isak wanted for their first session. For Even to feel safe.

 

*

 

With summer coming to an end, Isak packed up his summer clothes and put them in a box. It was something they always had done and Isak mostly did it out of habit. The box with their winter clothes were standing on top of the dresser and only by standing on a stool on his tiptoes did Isak reach it. It had always been Julian's job. He was the tall one.

 

“ _ I´m never going to reach that.” Isak stood next to his boyfriend, hands on his hips and watching how Julian put the big box on top of the dresser. _

 

“ _ You don't need to. I´m here,” Julian smiled and pushed the last bit over the edge. _

 

“ _ And what if you´re with your parents or something and I get really cold? Then I´ll need my sweater from up there!” _

 

“ _ Then you'll wait in bed. It´s warm in there. And once I get back I can really warm you up.” Julian put his arms around Isak´s waist and pulled him in. _

 

“ _ Maybe I've already frozen to death by then.” Isak knew that he was being difficult. But it wasn't his fault that he was smaller and couldn´t reach some things in their house. Julian laughed at him and bowed his head to kiss Isak softly on the lips. _

 

“ _ I’m  really good at warming you up. I bet I can bring you back to life even when you're frozen,” Julian told him between kisses. _

 

“ _ And how are you going to do that?” Isak asked with raised eyebrows. _

 

“ _ I´ll show you.” Julian lifted Isak up to throw him on their bed, Julian holding himself up over him. They were both late for work that day. Neither did mind very much. _

 

They had been happy. How did their happy relationship end in this shit show? Isak couldn't tell. And he couldn't pinpoint the moment where it went wrong. Maybe both of them saw it when it was already too late.

 

Isak finally got the box down from the dresser and opened it up. He had gotten rid of all of Julian´s things. All but his winter clothes. With a sigh Isak sat down on the ground and went through them. Each item brought back memories. And with the memories, came the tears. He thought he was done with Julian. That banishing him somewhere deep down in him would be enough. But seeing his clothes and having his smell back in his nose made it all coming back.

 

“ _ I´m so exhausted.” Isak was leaning heavily on Julian while they were waiting for their tram to arrive. _

 

“ _ I´m sure you got in, babe,” Julian told him and pulled him closer into his side, kissing his head. Isak closed his eyes and tried to forget where they were. He just wanted to go home and cuddle in bed. _

 

“ _ I don't know. It was a really tough test,” Isak slurred into Julian's chest, close to falling asleep. _

 

“ _ Hey, stay with me,” Julian laughed. “Wait until we're sitting down and then you can sleep.” _

 

“ _ What if I don´t get in? I don't have a plan B, Julian.” Isak took a step back to not fall asleep. He had waited weeks for this test. The last weeks had been nothing but school and learning for the test. He needed to pass. _

 

“ _ They will take you,” Julian told him with a firm look in his eyes. The tram arrived and both boys walked in with intertwined hands. It was the busy traffic time that Isak normally avoided. But they did find two empty seats and as soon as they sat down Julian pulled him down to let Isak rest on his lap. They would be on the tram for an hour. Enough time for Isak to catch up on at least some sleep. _

 

“ _ You're going to be a great doctor. They'd be stupid to not accept you to their college,” Julian whispered and kissed Isak on his golden locks. Isak simply nodded and buried his face deeper into the soft material of Julian´s green sweater. _

 

He had been right. Isak got in. And had the best and hardest four years of his life. But that wasn't why he needed this sweater. Why couldn't he bring himself to throw it away. It was the day that somebody believed in him. After years of trying to manage life by himself Isak had finally found somebody that believed in him when he couldn´t believe in himself.

 

Isak put on the green sweater and looked some more through the box. Deep down was a pack of cigarettes. Julian´s. One thing they had started together. Isak had stopped once he had learned about how bad it really was. After he had lost his first patient due to cancer. It hadn't been that easy for Julian.

 

“ _ We really should stop smoking,” Isak told Julian. His boyfriend was already in bed, Isak just getting their cigarettes before laying down with his head on Julian´s stomach. _

 

“ _ We should also eat healthy and not have had McDonald´s three times this week,” Julian countered. Isak just laughed and put a cigarette between Julian's lips before getting one out of the pack for himself. He then lit his own before bringing the fire up to light Julian´s as well. _

 

“ _ It´s amazing against the stress in the hospital.” Isak blew out some smoke. “I believe every doctor that their work is stressful. But as an intern? Some days I don't even remember the last time I slept.” _

 

“ _ I´m really proud of you for following your dream.” Julian brought his hand down to Isak´s head to play with his curls. _

 

“ _ I´m proud of you for trying to find your dream.” Julian had given up a lot for Isak. Was okay with a small apartment close to the hospital. Never bitched when he had to stay late or was called in for a surgery on his day off. He never even looked sad about not being able to go to college because Isak´s education was too expensive. _

 

“ _ It´s your turn now. I have time to find my dream job.” Isak blew out the smoke in his mouth and turned his head to kiss the palm of Julian´s hand. He was so grateful for this man. _

 

With the sweater still on and the pack of cigarettes in his hand Isak left the bedroom and went into the kitchen to get a bottle of beer. With both, he sat down in the entrance to the house and lit a cigarette. His first in four years. It was like riding a bicycle. His body still knew what to do. The sun was going down behind the trees and Isak felt weirdly alone in the world. He wasn´t. He knew that. But he had pushed his friends away. Thankfully, they came back. He had been rude to Even before he even knew him. Thankfully, he stayed. He had driven Julian to cheat on him. And he left.

 

Isak should've done more. Make them go to a couple counsellor. Complain less. Give up more. He should've given his all to save their relationship. Maybe then he would be happy now. Truly happy. In a relationship and not overwhelmed with most of the tasks.

 

The sun was almost gone when Jonas found him, beer empty but yet another cigarette between his teeth. Isak looked at him with raised eyebrows ready to give a bitchy comment if Jonas dared to comment on it.

 

“ Can I have one?” was all he asked. Isak laughed bitterly with the cigarette between his teeth.

 

“ Sure.” He handed the pack with the lighter inside to his best friend. Jonas sat down opposite him. He inhaled deeply before blowing out the smoke.

 

“ been really long since I had one,” Jonas told him and Isak nodded. They were both quiet for a minute or two, just smoking.

 

“ Do you think I could've saved our relationship?” he asked quietly.

 

“ really over?” Jonas asked and Isak nodded. “I’ve known you since … forever. And you´ve always been this grumpy and overthinking kid,” Jonas laughed. “That changed when you met Julian. You were really happy and nothing seemed to be able to get you off your high.”

 

Isak looked down in his lap. He was really happy. Julian had been everything that he had been looking for in a partner.

 

“ I think moving here and doing this.” Jonas included the ranch in a wave of his hand. “I think that's what got you off that high. Seemingly, you enjoyed your job but you slowly lost the happiness.”

 

“ It's an important job,” Isak said.

 

“ It is. I don't think Eva and I would've gone to college to work here if we didn't think it was something important. But is it the job you're happy with? Or what Julian was happy with?”

 

Isak knew the answer but rather not say it out loud. Of course it was Julian´s dream. But after everything he had done for Isak, he owed it to him to move here and do this with him.

 

“ Maybe things would've been different if you had other jobs. Maybe being business partners and boyfriends was too much. But either way, I'm sure you did what you could. You need to be happy in a relationship, Issy. You can't just make other people happy.” Jonas put out his cigarette and got up.

 

“ I´m going home. But call me if you need something.”

 

*

 

“ Who would've thought this would ever happen?” Even grinned widely at Isak. They were out in the fields with Billy. Even leading him and Isak next to Even. He didn't even need the security of Isak anymore. Even felt safe in his doings. Even was still looking at Isak, waiting for an answer. But Isak simply nodded.

 

“ Isak what´s wrong?” Even asked. The younger man was surprised that Even only now asked him about it. Ever since he had found Julian´s sweater Isak had been quieter and more introverted. But not one of his friends had asked about it. Jonas knew, but had kept his promise. If Isak wanted to talk he was there to listen. But he didn´t ask.

 

“ Can I ask you something?” Isak answered. He had been in his head for the last three weeks. It was like he never got better. Only that instead of anger he now felt this worthlessness in a way. The constant question if this mess was all his fault.

 

“ Of course.”

 

“ Do you … were you ever in a relationship that … I don't know how...,” Isak broke off having no idea how to explain what´s on his mind.

 

“ Take your time,” Even smiled kindly at him.

 

“ You sound like the therapist that I'm supposed to be,” Isak smiled faintly.

 

“ I've been to a lot of therapists in my time. I know what the phrases are.”

 

“ Sorry. It´s just … I´m asking myself if I should've done more to save my relationship. If every relationship can last forever if you put enough effort in. I mean how often do high school couples end up married even though they haven´t seen each other during their college years? Statistically couples stay together. So maybe we just forget to put effort in.“

 

“ That´s a depressing thought,” Even said after thinking about it.

 

“ How is that depressing? It means that if you find love you probably will have it forever.” Isak was never a romantic but it made him feel secure knowing that he would have Julian forever. Until he didn´t.

 

“ I mean my first girlfriend, for example. Sonja. I was with her for five years. And in the beginning, we were happy and in love. But then I found out more about myself and my sexuality and I knew that it wouldn't be right to stay with Sonja. I still love her. We're close friends but I couldn't love her like she deserved. She's still my highschool sweetheart. According to your theory we would end up getting married. And that´s a depressing thought.”

 

“ Yeah, but you didn't really love her, right? Maybe you need to find your true love.”

 

“ I did really love her. I´m not gay, Isak. Sonja was my first true love.”

 

“ If you´re not gay that only means that the possibility that you're getting back with Sonja is there.” Even shook his head.

 

“ I don't … or I don´t want to believe your theory. I think every breakup has a reason. And if it really hurts, that only means that it was a great relationship. But it also means that something better will come.” They had almost finished their little walk and Even slowed down to let Billy graze.

 

“ What if it can´t get better?” Isak asked quietly. He sat down in the grass and waited for Even to sit next to him.

 

“ It always feels like this. Like you lost the most important person in your life,” Even told him. “But then you meet someone else and you start a relationship and it feels like the most important thing again.”

 

“ I don't know about that.”

 

“ Is it your first heartbreak?” Isak didn't want to answer. He wanted to talk hypothetically about the whole thing. He was getting lost in his thoughts and needed more opinions. But this was getting really personal.

 

“ I had my heart broken more than once. Girls and boys. It hurts every time but … I´d do it again. Because loving someone is the best feeling.” Isak tore out some grass and held his open palm to Billy. No matter if he would find love again he would always love Julian. Just like Even would always love Sonja. The only difference was that Isak believed in first loves and that a person couldn't change that much just like that overnight. There had to be a reason. And Isak was part of it. He was sure of it.

 

*

 

“ _ Isak!” Isak was still busy decorating their living room when Julian called him from outside. They only moved in on the ranch a month ago and with the organization of clients and giving sessions they didn't have much time to actually work on their own home. _

 

“ _ What?” he called back. He would not go out if it was for nothing. _

 

“ _ I have something for you!” Gifts? That sparked Isak’s interest. Smiling, he got up from where he was sitting on the floor and walked outside. Julian was standing outside with yet another horse at his side. _

 

“ _ Did you get another one? We´re only two people, Julian. We can't have twenty horses,” Isak frowned. It was a beautiful horse. But it was a lot of work. _

 

„ _ He´s not a therapy horse. His name is Waterloo and I got him for you. As a thank you for what you did for me.” Isak didn't even want to know where he got the money. It was a sweet gift. _

 

“ _ Thank you!” Isak threw himself at Julian and planted a big, loud kiss on his lips. Waterloo was bigger than their therapy horses but absolutely beautiful with pretty white hair. _

 

“ _ I promise that is the last horse. Our life here can finally really begin.” _

  
  


“ Did you guys know that Julian bought me Waterloo as a gift?” Isak asked. The three friends used the free weekend to ride out. Something they used to do a lot more often.

 

“ Really? That must´ve been expensive.” Eva knew about the horse prices. She was looking into getting one of her own. Isak nodded.

 

“ I never asked how much. He was so happy to get me a horse. Said it's because I´d done so much for him.“

 

“ Well, he was right with that.” Jonas was starting getting bolder with comments and Isak didn't even care. His anger towards everything was gone and he was simply – sad.

 

“ I know. But it´s okay. He gave up a lot before for me. I´m just asking myself if we … stopped being grateful for each other? I mean we used to thank each other for those kind of things.”

 

“ Isak … what exactly happened?” Eva asked carefully. Isak sighed.

 

“ He cheated. In our house. I saw them. And when I threw him out he kept texting that he loves me and wants to come home.” It did make it real. Speaking about it. But it also … felt good. To not be the only one to know about it.

 

“ What kind of asshole cheats in their home? Not that cheating is okay! It´s not. But if you do it, go to a hotel or something,” Eva exploded. “I always liked him. But that is … please tell me you blocked his number?”

 

“ I didn't.” Isak shook his head no. “I don't know … I was so angry at him but now I … if he cheated on me, that must mean that I did something. He wasn't happy with me so he looked for someone else.”

 

“ Isak? Not being happy in a relationship is okay. People break up. But cheating? That´s unforgivable. And it´s not your fault,” Jonas tried to tell him but Isak just shook his head again. He didn't want to hear it.

 

“ No, Jonas. There are two people in a relationship. And if one of them cheats, the reason has to be the other person.” Jonas let his horse trot and stopped it in front of Waterloo, forcing Isak to stop as well.

 

“ It´s. Not. Your. Fault.”

 

“ Can I show you someone, Isak?” Eva asked. “I mean introduce you to someone. Next week?“ Isak squinted at her.

 

“ Who?”

 

“ A friend from College. We can go out for coffee?”

 

“ Why would I do that? How does talking to some stranger help my relationship? I will not talk to a therapist. Is he one?” Isak ranted and gave Waterloo the signal to start walking once Jonas was out of the way.

 

“ He´s not. I just think you two could help each other.”

 

So, for therapy reasons. Isak was a hypocrite and he knew it. As some kind of therapist himself, he shouldn't be so against it. But having someone tell him that he has a problem big enough to need therapy wasn't something he wanted to hear.

 

“ He´s not a therapist. Please come with me? You can leave whenever.” Eva was looking at him with her big puppy eyes that always let her have her way. Rolling his eyes, Isak nodded.

 

“ Fine. I´ll come.”

 

“ Good. It´ll help you, I promise.”

“ Don´t promise when you can't know for sure.”

 

“ Maybe I can?” Eva grinned at him and Isak rolled his eyes again.

 

“ Whatever. Let´s ride back to the ranch.” It was a circular path and they were almost there anyways.

 

“ But another topic. Are we doing something for the fall? With the kids I mean. Something cool. A weekend activity or something,” Jonas asked. They had done that for every season mostly organized by Julian. The summer activity had been canceled – or not even planned.

 

“ Do you have an idea? Would be nice for the kids,” Isak agreed.

 

“ Maybe we can have something like a competition?” Jonas gave the first idea.

 

“ I don't know. They aren't really equal in a competition. What about a Saturday and we have different activities and the kids can collect stickers or something when they completed one,” Eva thought a bit further.

 

“ With short activities? We have to stay with the horses and kids at all time.” Isak was on board with the idea. Organizing a big event like this would give Isak another chance to learn something about his actual job.

 

“ And then maybe some snacks? For the kids that have to wait for a horse. Maybe some parents can bring something?” Eva thought out loud.

 

“ Maybe Even can handle the food? He's part of the team now, he should be there don't you think?” Jonas asked.

 

“ I´ll ask him.” They had arrived at the ranch and started getting the horses ready to go back to the paddock. “I´m sure he can cook something.”

 

“ We'll finally find out how good his cooking is. He seems to be your personal chef.,”Eva teased and Jonas grinned behind her.

 

“ Fuck off,” Isak laughed.

  
  


After saying goodbye to Eva and Jonas and getting his work done on the ranch, Isak was ready for some food. Isak opened his door and turned on the light.

 

“ Shit! Even what are you doing?” Isak´s heart jumped in his chest. Not only was Even in his house but he was sitting on a couch that definitely wasn't there when he left his house this morning.

 

“ Oh hey!” Even looked at him like it was the best day of his life. “I was at Ikea with my friend today and we tried out new couches because Sana is moving and this one was so comfortable. And I remembered that you don't have one so I got it for you!“

 

Isak didn't know what to say or how to react. Even had bought him a couch. It didn't seem like a very expensive one. It was more of a loveseat but even those were more expensive than Isak was comfortable accepting as a gift.

 

“ You don't like it. Is it the colour? Because that can be changed.” Even was up and coming towards Isak. “You need a couch, Isak. And a bed. And a table. It´s not normal what you´re doing here. And it´s hurting my bum to eat on the floor. We should buy you some more furniture!” And okay. Isak had a good idea about what was going on. He was sure that Even wasn't the biggest fan of his almost empty house but would never actually tell him. Unless he wasn't able to filter his thoughts.

 

“ No! It´s a great couch. My bum is very thankful. How did you get it here?” Isak knew that the worst thing he could do was try to tell Even that his behaviour was wrong or too much. But he needed to keep him safe and if Even had come here with his own car he couldn't let him leave.

 

“ Sana drove me. She rented a van to get the furniture home. But we can take a cab to Ikea?“ Even was already on his phone pressing some numbers. Isak acted on reflex and got a hand on Even´s phone.

 

“ You know what? We will go shopping. You´re right. I need some furniture. But before that I have to care for the horses.” Isak wasn't exactly lying. He did have to work with the therapy horses to get them moving on a day without therapy sessions. It was his plan for later in the night but he wanted Even busy and on the ranch. “Do you want to help me?”

 

“ And then we go furniture shopping?”

 

“ If it´s not too late we can go furniture shopping.” Isak was relieved when Even nodded and left the house behind him. Thankfully they had worked weekly on Even and his understanding of horses. He knew the basics and enough to work safely with them.

 

“ Do you want to groom Billy and I take Snowy? We can let them together in the riding hall to run a bit,” Isak asked Even, when they arrived at the stable and Even nodded. He had a soft spot for Billy and Isak knew it.

 

“ Will you ever let me ride him?” Even asked and took the halter that Isak handed him.

 

“ Of course. But before you ride a horse you have to groom it so that´s what we start with,” Isak was careful what he said. He didn't want to plant any ideas in Even’s head that might end on a dangerous note.

 

“ Okay but we've been grooming and leading horses for a long time now.”

 

“ Not that long.”

 

“ Long enough. You guys were riding today, right? I want to be part of that, Isak!” Well, at least he wasn't keen on buying furniture anymore.

 

“ Okay. You groom Billy, I groom Snowy. We'll let both run in the hall and afterwards you can sit on Billy and I lead you. Okay? We start slow. Safety first, right?”

 

“ Yeah. Yeah. Isn't it weird how animals can help a person? I mean think about it. It´s just an animal. Not that it´s worth less but they are just animals like we are just humans. And there are still situations that we can´t handle or can't get help from other people. But an animal can help you with just being there. Isn't it cool? Your job is so cool.”

 

Isak needed to call someone close to Even. Maybe that Sana girl. All that Isak could do was keep him safe while he was on the ranch. But he wasn't his responsibility. He couldn´t wait out his episode with him.

“ Even? Can I call Sana?” Isak asked. Both men had started grooming their horses.

 

“ Sana? Why?”

 

“ Because she's your friend.” What a stupid excuse. “I mean … she can give you lift after this.”

 

“ That´s a good idea. And you can meet her! She´s a great friend. I'll call her.” Even put his currycomb down to type on his phone.

 

“ How about I call her and you can keep grooming. That way we'll be quicker. I´m done with Snowy.” Even looked between his horse and his phone but then gave it to Isak. Relieved to have some kind of help he looked for Sana´s number and typed out a quick text.

 

_ Even _

 

_ Hello Sana. _

_ My name is Isak. Even works on my ranch. He's with me right now and i'm pretty sure he's being manic. Can you pick him up? I have him busy with horse riding but I can't keep him here until his episode is over. I´m not that practiced with bipolar disorder. Thank you! _

 

“ Ready Even?” Isak asked and gave Even his phone back. On Even’s nod, Isak went to get the saddle and lunge and got Billy ready for Even to ride. It would take some concentration and working with the horse would help Even to centre himself. At second thought it was a good idea to teach Even some horse riding.

  
  


Hours later, Isak got home feeling ready to fall asleep standing up. He got Even to ride a couple rounds and teach him some things. Once Sana arrived, Even had the great idea to show her exactly what his job was and show her everything. She even had to meet every horse. Once Sana took Even home Isak still had to get his night round done with the horses and was now exhausted and ready to sleep.

 

Maybe he should meet up with Sana once to learn some things about Even´s episodes. What you learn in a text book and how it actually is was always two different worlds. But for now Even was in good hands and Isak gave himself a good night sleep on his new couch.

 

*

 

Isak woke up to multiple texts. Even had texted him all night random things that made no sense to Isak. He texted a quick  _ How are you?  _ back before opening the group chat with Eva and Jonas to let them know that Even was having an episode and most likely not coming to work for the next days or even weeks.

 

Which also meant they would have to re-think the snack idea or maybe ask parents after all. They would also need to find a solution for Even to be part of the fall weekend if he was in the shape to do so. It was still three weeks away but Isak had no idea for how long Even will be manic and then depressed.

 

_ Jonas _

_ is he okay? _

 

_ Eva _

_ does he need something? _

 

_ Isak _

_ he´s home. Yesterday he bought me a new couch because he thinks i need furniture. I got him to help with the horses and gave him a riding lesson. It helped. Got a friend of his to pick him up and take care of him. _

 

_ Jonas _

_ that´s good. He needs someone that knows how to handle him. _

 

_ Isak _

_ i know. I only know what the textbooks say about bd. no idea what to really do with an actual episode. _

 

_ Eva _

_ you did good Issy! _

 

_ Isak _

_ hope so. i´ll ask him what he really needs when he's manic/depressed once he´s back. _

 

_ Jonas _

_ good idea. So we're planning without him? _

 

_ Isak _

_ yeah. But give him something to do if he comes to the fest. We can meet tomorrow? _

 

_ Jonas _

_ morning? Before the sessions? _

 

_ Isak _

_ after? Feel like running tomorrow. _

 

_ Jonas _

_ wow. Even made you enjoy working out. he's a hero. _

 

_ Isak _

_ shut up. _

 

_ Eva _

_ and then coffee with my friend afterwards? _

 

_ Isak _

_ okay _

 

_ Eva _

_ good. See you guys tomorrow! _

 

*

It had already been a long day. Isak had been running for an hour to clear his mind, had an attempt of an Even-made-breakfast and went straight into the sessions of the day. Afterwards he ate no more than three granola bars and had his meeting with Eva and Jonas. The fall fest was planned and the information would go out to the parents the next day. It probably wouldn't be as good and professional as the last fests but Isak would give it his all to make it a nice and fun Saturday. And then Eva had given Isak thirty minutes to shower and get dressed before driving him into the city to meet that friend of hers.

 

“ Do you want me to wait or go shopping while you two meet?” Eva asked, once she had parked her car and led Isak to a café.

 

“ He's your friend. Of course you'll stay.” What kind of question was that? Isak didn't even know  _ why  _ he was here. He for sure wouldn't do it alone.

 

“ Fine. Then you´ll come with me afterwards. I need some new jackboots.” Isak couldn't have looked more annoyed if he tried. Online shopping was invented for people like Isak. The walking from shop to shop with too many people and the constant waiting in line to try on one shirt that then won't even fit – he hated it.

 

“ How about you buy yourself some boots and I take the bus home,” Isak sassed back.

 

“ How about you're a good friend and go with me,” Eva retorted. And well – as much as Isak hated shopping he should be a good friend. If there was any resistance left  in Isak, it was gone when Eva worked her puppy eyes on him.

 

“ But only if you don´t take two hours. I remember you dragging me to buy that dress for a wedding. It was terrible.”

 

“ Stop being dramatic. I wanted to look nice.” She had looked nice in all ten dresses in all three stores. But Eva didn't care. Even if she had asked Isak´s opinion for every dress.

 

“ Oh look! Magnus is already here.” Eva opened the café door for Isak and went straight to the back where her friend – Magnus apparently – was sitting at the window. He seemed to be Isak´s age.

 

“ Eva! Good to see you again. Hi, you must be Isak.” Isak was taken aback when Magnus hugged not only Eva but him as well.

 

“ Hi, yeah. And you're Magnus?” Magnus nodded happily and sat down. Eva and Isak followed.

 

“Where did you two meet?” Isak wanted to know.

 

“We both studied to be a preschool teacher,” Magnus told him. Right. Eva´s first job.

 

“And you're still working as a preschool teacher?” Isak wanted to know. Which started a long rant of Magnus telling him all about his daily work life and how great the kids are.

 

“But how are you, Isak?” Magnus rested his arms on the table and leaned forward. Isak wasn't sure if he liked Magnus or not. It was like they were close friends even though they had just met. Like that question right now. Who asks that to a stranger?

 

“Ehm … good?” Isak answered unsure.

 

“Yeah? Because Eva told me that you've been cheated on.” Isak immediately stared with big eyes at Eva. “No! She did it because I was cheated on. Three years ago. And it still really hurts somedays.”

 

That´s why Isak was here. Because she knows someone who feels like Isak does. And that's why she wanted to give them space.

 

“It still hurts?” Isak asked quietly. He didn't want to hurt for the next three years.

 

“Not like the first year. But some days my girlfriend tells me that she´s grateful for me. And then I ask myself what I do to make her feel like that. Because I didn't really change but the first time it obviously wasn't good enough. It´s a lot of self-doubt really.”

 

Self-doubt. That sounded familiar.

 

“I just want to know what I did wrong, you know?” Isak opened up without making the decision.

 

“You just want closure. I did too. But not only was I cheated on, she also moved countries and blocked me on every social media page and her phone. I never got the reason. But over time I learned that even if she hadn’t cheated, we would have broken up anyway. She obviously wasn't happy and that's just bad for a relationship.”

 

“But we've been together for eleven years. Since high school. We went through a lot of shit together and had amazing times a swell. Shouldn't you fight for a relationship that long?” Isak wanted to know.

 

“Did you guys meet in high school?” Isak nodded.

 

“You're basically still a kid in high school. Your character still changes. And if both of you have changed too much, well … you won´t work together as a couple. It´s normal, Isak.”

 

“It's my fault. I drove him to cheat.”

 

“Maybe you did. Maybe you didn´t. But it´s his fault for cheating. And it won't stop hurting tomorrow. It takes time. And if you ever want to talk about it, you can text me.”

 

It's his fault. It´s Julian´s fault. Julian´s fault. Maybe if Isak said it to himself often enough, he would start to believe it, too.

 

*

 

Fall came quick and Isak got up early and went to bed late because someone had to work in the office. Even hadn´t been on the ranch in two weeks. He didn't even text him but Sana had called him once to give him an update. Fall started exhausted for Isak. He had asked everyone to not bother him when he spend the Friday morning in front of his tv. Eva had undertaken Isak´s sessions of the day to give him a rest.

 

But he only watched one episode Narcos before there was a knock on his door.

 

“No,” Isak was close to crying, as exhausted as he was. He wanted to sleep. “Come in!” he called over his shoulder, really not feeling getting up. The door opened but nobody said anything. Why was it still quiet? Isak looked over his shoulder to see Even standing in his house. Looking small and still a bit detached to the world.

 

“Hey!” Isak got up immediately. “Do you want to come in?” Isak asked before rolling his eyes. Stupid question. He was already in his house. “I- I mean sit. Do you want to sit?” Even nodded and followed Isak to the couch.

“How are you?” Isak asked, once both men sat down and the tv was on silent.

 

“Okay. Still not 100% but good enough to leave the bed,” Even nodded.

 

“Good. Even … we need to talk about your episode.” If he wouldn't talk about it right away he probably never would.

 

“Ja … that's why I'm here. Sana told me you didn't know what to do.”

 

“I did. I mean I knew I couldn't let you spend more money on me and I knew that you would be safer on the ranch than running around town. So I kept you busy. But I didn´t know if that´s what you needed or if you needed something else. I only knew to call Sana because you told me about her. I don't have your emergency number.” Isak couldn't stop his rant. “Listen, I don´t want to tell you what to do. And you are more than your disorder. But I need some clues. Like what helps you during an episode. Who do I call. Things like that.”

 

Isak remembered how nervous Even was at their first meeting and how insecure he seemed when he talk about his bipolar. But they needed to talk about it if they wanted to give Even the best help he could get.

 

“Do you want me to work somewhere else?” Even looked so so tired and Isak just didn't understand.

 

“What? Why?”

 

“I´m not your responsibility. You called Sana. She's my friend so I´m more her responsibility than yours. If it's too much I can leave.” Okay. What?!

 

“I called Sana because like I just told you I had no idea what the right thing to do was. And you´re my friend too, Even. If it's what you need, you can sleep at my place. Or work at mine, if that´s what you need. But I didn't know, Even. We need guidelines or something. You might not be my responsibility … you´re your own. But I´ll still take care of you when you need it.” Isak kept his eyes on Even´s to make sure he really got what he was saying.

 

“It helped that you were there. Didn't kick me out,” Even finally said.

 

“Yeah?“” 

 

Even nodded.

 

“My mind was on you during my episode. I mean you were my main focus. Thank you … for taking care of me.” Isak had the urge to hug Even close but he had told him that his depressive episode wasn't over yet and he didn't want to overwhelm him.

 

“Of course. What about horse riding. How was that?” Isak needed to have a good plan for the next episode. Because he wanted to be sure that he helped in the right way.

 

“It's why I'm here. Hippotherapy.”

 

“That's not an answer.”

 

“It did centre me. Not as much as I hoped, but it was good. Might be a good idea to come here no matter where I´m having an episode.” Even finally looked up. “You did good, Isak. Thanks.”

 

“Okay. And Sana? Can I call her? Or is there someone else?”

 

“I have a list. I´ll bring it next week.” Isak relaxed and got comfortable on the couch. The last weeks caught up to him and he was feeling his shoulders relax, now that he knew that everything was okay.

 

“Do you want to watch Narcos?” Isak asked and after Even nodded he unmuted the tv.

 

*

 

“Are we ready?” Isak asked his friends. Three horses were groomed and ready to go. Hay bales were used to put some snacks on. Everything was ready for the kids and their families to arrive.

 

“Yeah. The activities are prepared. We just need the kids,” Jonas confirmed.

 

“Have you heard anything from Even?” Eva wanted to know.

 

“He was here last night. But he didn´t know if he'd come today. He´s still a bit down. But he wants to come back to work on Monday.”

 

“He came here?”

 

“Yeah? We talked about his episode and watched tv. We're friends. It's what I'd do with you guys as well.” For whatever reason Isak felt the need to explain himself. He didn´t know.

 

“I think the first people are arriving Jonas interrupted their conversation. Isak looked up to see a car parking on the still empty parking lot. His heart did this weird thing where it beats really fast and feels like dropping to his stomach at the same time. Unconsciously, he wiped his sweaty hands on his pants.

 

Why was this his life? It was shit enough to feel self-doubt all the time and having those mental pictures every time he closed his eyes at night. He didn't need the asshole that ruined his life physically back in his life. A couple weeks ago he might've reacted in another way but that was before he had talked to Magnus. Before they started texting a lot. Isak was better at accepting that it wasn't all his fault.

 

“Is that …” Eva started but didn't need to finish. He got out of his car and all three of them followed him with their eyes. The atmosphere got colder. Isak was glad that he had told his friends about the cheating and that he had them on his side.

 

“What do you want?” Jonas wanted to know with a cold tone once Julian was close enough to hear him.

 

“Last time I checked this was still partly my ranch. And I have never missed a season fest. I won´t miss this one.”

 

Isak wasn't sure if he wanted to cry, run away or punch him in the face.  


	3. Revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writers block, Revenge by P!nk and Cell Block Tango in the Glee Version made this mess happen. I don´t know if I like it or not. Anyways this is Chapter 3. Only two more to go! I already started on Chapter 4 and I like the first 2000 words better than Chapter 3 xD Have fun reading and thanks Jen for proof reading!

*** Revenge ***

 

“You are not getting in there.”

 

“It's my home, too.”

 

“It´s not! It hasn't been since you cheated on him!”

 

“Oh god. Did he come crying to you about it?”

 

“What is wrong with you?” 

 

“Listen. I made a small mistake. Now let me in my home to talk to my -”

 

“If your next word is boyfriend I will punch you.” 

 

Sitting on his couch Isak listened to Eva, Jonas and Julian arguing in front of his door. It has been four months. And just when Isak had started to not feel  _ anything  _ about being cheated on, the asshole comes back. What had Isak done wrong to deserve this? Why couldn't he have a normal breakup? Or none at all. 

 

“What´s going on here?” Isak had to close his eyes for a second when he heard Even´s voice. He was the last person he wanted around Julian. Especially when he still wasn't completely out of his depressive episode. 

 

“Nothing is going on here. At least nothing you could help with.” And that was it. That asshole needed to learn that Isak wasn't his boyfriend anymore, won't ever again be his boyfriend and that he couldn't do what he wanted around here anymore. Opening his door, he was greeted by Eva and Jonas´ backs, with an angry Julian in front of him and a lost Even to the right. 

 

“See! He knows we have a future!” Julian pointed at Isak who could only shake his head in disbelief. What he did next wasn't thought through, but seeing Julian made his emotions go crazy in a bad way. He shot him a dirty look and went up to Even to kiss him square on the mouth. Even went still under him and Isak broke the kiss only to put his arm around Even and guide him towards the kids.

 

“Let´s make those kids happy, babe.” He could feel the confused look that Even was giving him but didn’t turn his face towards him. He couldn't let Julian know that it was a lie. Not now. Isak didn't want to look stupid. 

 

“I normally remember everything I do or say when I'm manic. But I feel like I'm missing something,” Even said but luckily didn't step back from Isak´s side. He was able to feel Even´s body heat. 

 

“I´m sorry. I shouldn't have done that. But Julian won´t leave me alone. And I … panicked?”

“And when you panic you kiss people?” Even was making fun of him which was better than being mad. When they got to the kids, Isak let go of Even. 

 

“Just … please play along until he's gone and I'll explain, okay?” Isak tried to give Even his best puppy dog eyes. But to be honest, he only ever saw them on others. He didn't even know if he pulled it off. 

 

“Alright, boyfriend. What do you need me to do?” Isak send him over to the snacks - hoping that it would be okay with Even´s still ongoing depressive episode. But he also didn't want to ask in case Even felt limited to his disorder. Looking back over his shoulder he could see Julian staring at the two. Eva and Jonas behind him didn't look any less surprised. 

 

“Even?” Isak called his pretend-boyfriend back before he could go too far. He wasn't sure how much affection was enough affection. Normally he would just go with what felt right, not plan his next kiss. Even seemed to understand his troubles, came over and kissed his cheek. Smiling, he made his way back to the hay bales. 

 

What the fuck had Isak gotten himself into. 

 

*

 

“How could you date a  _ client? _ ” Isak was very close to rolling his eyes. But he stopped himself, knowing that Eric was in his copy-what-others-do phase. So instead he focused on making sure that Eric was securely sitting on the horse before using the leather straps to fix his paralyzed legs to the saddle with velcro. His legs would stay where they should but in case he fell, the velcro would open and not bind him to the horse. It was one of the safer options Isak found. 

 

“Isak?!” Julian was still standing behind him. 

 

“Julian, I´m in the middle of a session. This is important for Eric and if you recall what you did and why you are not part of this fest, you would realize that you don´t get a say in who I date.” Isak made sure everything was safe for Eric and then starting walking, horse next to him. His station was just for fun. He wanted to give the kids the experience of just riding without having to feel like they were in therapy. 

 

“I told you I was sorry, didn't I?” Julian called from where he was still standing. Great. Now everyone around them would know that something was going on. That wasn't something the kids or their parents needed to know. How was it that this was Julian´s dream - he wanted to work with horses, he wanted to work with kids, he spent a lot of money on his education and the ranch - but still Isak was the professional right now? 

 

“Julian, go home! This isn't the place!” Isak told him calmly. At least he tried to. In his head, he had a very clear image of what he would like to do to him right now. Not something that kids should see and not something Julian would enjoy. That was for sure. 

 

*

 

“So, boyfriend?” Even was sitting on the kitchen counter in Isak´s kitchen. Isak stood in front of the stove, trying to make them both dinner. Julian wouldn't leave, so Even decided to stay until he was gone. 

 

“I´m sorry?” Isak tried. Even just laughed and put one of the cherry tomatoes in his mouth. 

 

“Just tell me why I'm your boyfriend.” 

 

“Julian just won´t leave me alone. He keeps texting me, wanting to come back, and now he showed up - it´s like he thinks that we just had a little fight but nothing major. Like we're still a couple. Which we´re not! I just need him to understand that. And just telling him obviously didn't work.” Isak had waited for the cherry tomatoes to get soft in the oil he had heated in the pan. Now he started to aggressively smash them. 

 

“What exactly happened?” Even wanted to know and checked on the noodles. 

 

“He cheated. More than once.” At that he got raised eyebrows from Even. Isak just nodded. “Sad, isn't it? I knew he cheated on me. I saw them together two times before I finally kicked him out.” 

 

“Why did it take you so long?” Isak shrugged.

 

“I guess I just wanted someone by my side. And I thought that … maybe if we never talk about it, it wouldn't happen again. Obviously that didn't work … I don't know. Thinking back, it was just stupid.” 

 

“You were scared. There's nothing wrong or stupid about being scared. Feel proud that you finally pushed through your fear and came out of it unharmed.” 

 

“I wouldn't call it unharmed. Look at me,” Isak laughed humourlessly.

 

“You're healing, Isak. That´s normal. Don´t feel bad about it. And stop hating those tomatoes. Cook with love or it will taste like shit,” Even laughed. 

 

“Sorry. Julian just -” Isak gave up and handed Even the spatula. 

 

“It´s fine. I´m sure it will be fun to be your boyfriend.” Even jumped down from the counter to finish cooking. “I mean it's already fun to be your friend.”

 

“You still want to? I mean it was just because Julian was there today. I didn't really think before doing that.” Isak took Even’s place on the counter. 

 

“And how would it make you look if he comes back and you're single? Or can´t tell him where your boyfriend is?” 

 

“Fine! Be my boyfriend!” Isak exclaimed and threw his hands up, almost losing another tomato, but saving it and eating it instead.

 

“I will be. Now try this!” Even had mixed their pasta with the homemade tomato sauce and held the fork in front of Isak´s mouth to try. With sparkling eyes, he waited for Isak to try. “So? Can you taste your hate?”

 

“Fuck off.” Isak laughed after swallowing. “It tastes good.” He jumped off the counter to get two plates and sit down on the floor with his pasta. 

 

“You know, manic or not, I was right about your furniture. It´s time you get new stuff. A table. Chairs. A bed. Your poor body will thank me!”  _ Your body  _ you mean, Isak thought. 

 

“Will you come with me? Obviously you know best what's good for my body. Because I am very comfortable down here.” He wasn´t. His butt went numb while he ate and after not too long, his back started to hurt. But he liked to be difficult sometimes. 

 

“Sure, you are. As your boyfriend, I have to tell you that this isn't healthy. We'll buy new pieces next time we both have time,” Even told him and sat down next to him, both leaning against the wall.

 

“You enjoy this boyfriend thing way too much.” 

 

“You wanted me to be your boyfriend. Can´t take it back now!” Isak didn't even want to. No matter how weird this might be - he could´ve picked a worse fake-boyfriend. 

 

*

 

“Is it normal that it hurts?” Even was sitting on Billy trying to get comfortable. Isak had Billy on the lunge, getting the horse to walk in a circle around him. He had tried to teach Even the basics during his episode, but they needed to focus on Even´s posture on the horse to make sure that he will be safe. 

 

“Well, it's not a pillow you're sitting on. Take a hot bath tonight and you won't get any muscle ache.” Even wasn't convinced but didn't talk about how numb his bum was getting. 

 

“Is that how you felt after I made you sprint? Because if it did I am deeply sorry.” Isak had to laugh at that and gave Billy another impulse with his whip to keep him moving. 

 

“No, then I felt like dying. But not anymore and you won't feel like you can't sit down for the next month once you sit on a horse on a regular basis.” Today was all about making sure that Even knew how to sit on a horse. But what he was doing was everything but the right way. He tried to push himself up with his hands on the saddle, his shoulders almost at his ears and his knees pressed to the leather way too high up. If Billy would stumble, make one jump, or start running, Even would be on the ground with more than just a numb butt. 

“I don't know if I want this to become a regular thing.”

 

“Yes, you do. Because you told me that you want to ride through the fields and stuff with me, Jonas and Eva. Remember that? I can only let you do that when I know that you won´t fall and die. Now. Long legs, push your heels down. Good. Sit tall … shoulders back … head high … now hold on to the saddle but don't push yourself off of it. Sit comfortable.” Isak almost had to laugh at his last request. Even was everything but comfortable. Anyone could see that. But he did try his best to follow Isak´s instructions and by the end, he still looked in pain but his posture was a lot better. 

 

“See? That´s so much better! Now try to stay like that. Feel Billy´s movements. Close your eyes if that helps.” At that he got a mean look. 

 

“No way am I closing my eyes sitting on a horse!” They really needed to work on that trust. 

 

“Okay, next time. But concentrate on your posture and feel what Billy is doing.” Isak had taken away the reins so that Even could only concentrate on himself. If he felt like falling, he could hold onto the saddle but wouldn't yank on the reins and hurt Billy. Isak knew that a lot of horse riding schools would just sit the customers on a horse and tell them what to do. But Isak wanted this to be a good experience for horse and rider. And that wouldn’t be the case if Even wouldn’t do what he thought was right. It might take some more time, but in the end it would be worth it. 

 

“Can you feel how he is moving forward? Your body almost naturally follows that movement. Try to actively move with Billy´s movement.” Even did what he was told. “Good. Just your pelvis is moving. That way you will tell Billy to move forward. Really good, Even. Keep going.” 

 

It took a bit of time but finally Even was sitting relaxed on Billy, actually moving with him instead of just trying not to fall. They had been doing this for half an hour, which was Isak´s normal time for a session. 

 

“Good! That´s it for today. I´m releasing your butt.” Even almost looked relieved but then he remembered how Isak had told him that it wouldn't hurt less once he was off the horse. 

 

“I just want to lay on my stomach for a while … or a week.” Isak rolled up the lunge and patted Billy while Even tried to get off him. 

 

“Was it nothing but torture for you?” Isak wanted to know. If this wasn't the slightest bit fun for Even, they didn't need to continue. 

 

“It´s actually relaxing, at least once I was moving with him. It felt good … like we're one.” 

 

“You're really turning into a horse person.” Isak smiled and took off the saddle to give to Even. “You can go outside if you want. I´m just letting him run some more. Just walking isn't enough for him.” Even was out of the riding hall before Isak could unclip the lunge. It was funny - as long as Even was sitting on Billy he was mostly okay. But when he was standing next to him - or any horse - he seemed to realize that a horse wasn't a bunny. Especially when it was running free. Even really didn't trust the horse not to hurt him. Maybe they should do little trust exercises during the week. 

 

“Jonas said someone called today for a first appointment? You wanted to give them a call?” Even was back but staying out of the hall. 

 

“Oh shit. Yeah, a mother was talking to me about it at the fest but I haven’t even been in the office since.” He was so used to Even handling this that it hadn’t even crossed his mind to check in on emails and stuff while Even was out. 

 

“I can do it. Don't worry about it.” 

 

“No! You did your work hours. It's fine, I'll do it once I'm done here.” It was Isak´s fault after all. 

 

“If I go home now, it´s to leftover food and shitty tv. Let me do this. I promise I’ll go home afterwards.” It would be nice to actually be done for the day once Billy was done. Jonas and Eva had left for sure. 

 

“Fine. But don´t think about working more than that one phone call!” Isak called after him but Even was already on his way to the office. That´s what it had been like in the beginning with Julian. Even though it hadn't been Isak´s dream, he had put so much effort into making this work. And into learning how to work with kids and the horses. They had put the same effort into making this ranch work. Even if it had meant extra hours. Of course it was nice of Even to make this quick phone call before leaving, but it got Isak´s thoughts back to Julian. And how much he wanted to hurt him. 

 

Not even physically. And it wasn´t even just anger anymore. He had this urge for revenge ever since Julian had turned up and pretended like cheating three times is nothing. And he knew that revenge would be childish and that he probably should let karma do it's part. But he needed to do something. Make Julian hurt, the way he had hurt Isak. Throwing out his things and pretending to have a new boyfriend seemed too small in comparison to what Julian had done. 

 

Isak just needed to distract himself from those thoughts. Maybe a late night run through the woods would help. Or maybe he should let his problems be and binge watch some Netflix Show. They did just release the second season of Stranger Things. Before he could decide any further on his possible revenge plans, he got Billy and got him and the other horses ready for the night. 

 

*

 

He didn't end up going jogging or binge watching Stranger Things. What he did do was grab a couple bottles of beer and sit in his doorway. Fall made the air feel clearer and it was easier to breath. Isak even enjoyed being a bit cold, knowing that he had a warm home to warm up in again. The alcohol did its part as well. It wasn't even that Isak needed the alcohol and he probably would have felt just the same with only one. But for some reason it made him feel better. He got the weirdest thoughts when drunk and who knows? Maybe he would get the perfect revenge idea. Because truth be told - he really didn't want to sit around and wait for karma to do its job. 

 

“Did you drink all of those?” Isak looked up to see Even standing beside him. Hadn't he gone home like … two hours ago? 

 

“Why are you still here?” 

 

“Because no one did anything in that office while I was gone. I just organized some things, made that phone call and made sure that I can work in an organized workplace tomorrow. Your turn. Why are you getting drunk on your own?” 

 

“Because I was cheated on. And drinking makes me creative. I need to be creative to come up with an amazing revenge plan.” Isak looked him dead in the eyes, meaning everything he just said. 

 

“Revenge? That´s the plan? I thought me pretending to be your boyfriend was the plan?” Even sat down next to Isak. 

 

“I don't have a plan. I´m just … heartbroken.” He should call Magnus. At least he would understand his feelings. But Isak wasn't sure if that would really help or if it would simply show Isak that this shitty feeling would stay with him for a long, long time. 

 

“I think when you break up with someone and the reason isn't that you fell out of love, you will always be heartbroken. And you feel like you can never love another person the same. Or love in general. You want to give up on love. The thought that you're simply not enough to be a good boyfriend might cross your mind. You know what helps? Self love. You need to love yourself and only then can you let someone else really love you. Know your worth. And maybe what you need is time with yourself and not a fake boyfriend and not a revenge plan.” 

 

The whole love yourself or you can´t let someone else love you thing was getting really old, Isak decided. You can read that on every Pinterest Board, every therapist tells you that and every good friend who doesn't know what to say will tell you the same. But with Even saying it, it didn't feel like a quote he read somewhere.

 

“Are you talking from experience?” Even nodded. “How did it go?”

 

“I´ll tell you when I know. I decided to put myself first. To date myself, you could say. That's why I'm here. Getting the help I know I need but was always too proud to ask for. I’m doing something for myself to be better in my next relationship.” 

 

“You're doing good in your relationship,” Isak grinned. 

“It´s a fake relationship. And even that only when Julian is around. Doesn't really count. Date yourself, Isak!” Even got up to - probably - finally go home. “But if you still want revenge - there's an online shop where you can anonymously send  a gallon of elephant shit to someone.” 

 

“Is there?!” Isak´s eyes lit up with the idea. How cool would that be? Sending Julian so much shit with a little greeting card - “Here's what I think of you xx”. Julian would hate it. 

 

“Good night, Isak.” But Isak was already googling the company. 

 

*

 

“How´s the revenge going?“ Even asked Isak the next day they saw each other, as usual before work, running through the forest.

 

“I can't believe people make money by sending other people elephant shit.” Yes. Isak had googled and found the company Even told him about. They exist. They make money with it. As fun as it sounded in Isak´s slightly fuzzy brain last night, he knew that it would be absolutely stupid.

 

“You could do it! Sell some horse shit. You have enough of it,” Even laughed.

 

“Maybe when the ranch isn't bringing in as much money,“ Isak laughed as well. The two men were on their way back to the ranch just talking but walking quick enough to not let their bodies believe they were done working out.

 

“But what about Julian?” Even asked once again.

 

“I don't know. I do want revenge. I just don't know how. I know it's childish. But a part of me really, really wants to feel like justice is served.“

 

“Wow.” Even said and looked at Isak with big eyes.

 

“What?” Isak wanted to know. He had simply voiced his feelings.

 

“You do realize Julian just cheated? Which is a dick move and he shouldn't have done it, but he didn't kill anyone. You sound like you want to start a lawsuit!”

 

“No, I don´t. Just … what's so bad about wanting to feel good again?” Isak wanted to know. They reached the ranch. “Magnus said heartbreak sticks. You said I need to love myself again. Eva and Jonas mostly want to kill Julian. I don't want all of this! I simply want to move on and forget about this fucking arshole. Which I can´t because he is fucking everywhere. So yes! I think wanting revenge isn't very unusual.” Right after lashing out, he already wanted to hug it out and tell Even how deeply sorry he was. He just had too many emotions in him that had to come out sometime.

 

“Fine. But keep it casual, okay? No shit sending.” 

Isak had only thought about doing it simply because Even had first told him about this weird company and  _ now  _ Even wanted to make sure Isak would forget about it?

 

“Don't tell me about the fun stuff and then forbid it.“ Isak whined, mostly as banter.

 

“Isak, don´t!”

 

“Okay, dad. I won't.” Even simply rolled his eyes at him. Before they could get into Isak´s house, Eva and Jonas arrived, unfortunately hearing the last bit of their conversation.

 

“So first you start a weird relationship and now you call him Daddy? What has happened to you, Isak?” Jonas laughed.

 

“Hey! We have a very healthy pretend relationship,” Isak defended them.

 

“I'm just trying to stop Isak from sending people elephant shit,” Even shrugged.

“Okay, I don't want to be part of this conversation,” Jonas decided and disappeared in the direction of the stable.

 

“I do. Who get's elephant shit?” That´s why Isak liked Eva.

 

“Nobody! Don´t get him started!” Even tried to get his hand over Eva's mouth but she saw it coming and ducked away from f him.

 

“Julian! Did you know that you can send a gallon of shit to someone?”

 

“Oh, make it two and I’ll pay for it.” Even rolled his eyes and went into Isak´s house to start breakfast.

 

“You know, he's oddly familiar with your home. Just walks in, uses your shower, makes you breakfast …” Eva said.

 

“We're friends,” Isak was quick to say.

 

“We’re friends. And you haven't let me into your house for a while now,” Eva raised her eyebrows at him.

 

“You also don't make me breakfast.”

 

“Whatever. So, Julian?”

 

“Apparently I shouldn't send him elephant shit. But I do want my revenge.”  

 

“We'll find something. I´m on your side in that matter.” Eva high-fived him before turning around to start on her job. 

*

 

_ “So you want a lawsuit against Julian Dahl in the matter that he cheated on you three times without a real apology or thinking about your feelings. You want 5.000 kroner compensation, all rights over the ranch where you both lived and his horse … Mount William?” The lawyer asked Isak, reading off his notes. Isak nodded.  _

 

_ “Do you think 5.000 is too little? Should I go for more?” Isak didn´t understand why his lawyer looked at him like he was worried about him. _

 

_ “You don't have enough for a lawsuit,” His lawyer sighed and closed his binder with Isak´s notes in it.  _

 

_ “I don´t? Did you hear that he cheated  _ three  _ times?”  _

 

_ “Yes. But it´s not enough. Go get his credit card, drive to the next ATM and withdraw those 5.000 kroner. But I can't get it for you.” Oh, Julian would hate it if he was missing that much money, especially now that he was without a job.  _

 

_ “And that´s legal?” Isak asked. His lawyer looked at him like he was talking to a child.  _

 

_ “Mr. Valtersen. If you steal his money we will see each other again. But only because your ex-boyfriend will sue you.” _

 

*

 

“Suing him? How does that help?” Magnus laughed at him. He actually laughed at him! Isak thought meeting up with Magnus would help. Maybe Magnus would have some good ideas. 

 

“I don't know! I would feel better if he loses everything,” Isak shrugged.

 

“He didn't do anything against the law, Isak,” Magnus kept laughing. Yeah, well Isak´s mind told him the same when he went through the situation in his mind while he was in the shower this morning. 

 

“You're really not helping here.” They both sat on Isak´s couch, drinking yet another six-pack of beer. It had been Magnus’ idea. He’d even brought the beer. 

 

“You said to come over. Not that you needed a revenge plan. Which isn't even a good idea!” 

 

“Why does everyone keep telling me this?” Isak exclaimed.

 

“Because it´s true? Listen, I know how you feel. I wanted revenge. And it just so happened that I still had some naked pictures of her,” Magnus shrugged and Isak looked at him wide-eyed.

 

“You didn´t.” 

 

“I did. She had blocked me on everything and moved away but we still had the same friend groups and they still followed me … I got high one night, posted them on facebook with a nasty message about what a whore she was.” 

 

“Did she see it?”

 

“Of course she did! And she was furious.  _ She  _ actually had a lawsuit against me. Cyber mobbing and some other things in fancy lawer language that I can´t remember. End of story is that I had to pay a shit load of money and even the idea of us ever talking again was off the table.” Isak actually forgot to drink his beer, bottle only halfway to his mouth. 

 

“You look really innocent but you are mean. Wow.” 

 

“I´m not proud of it! But it should show you why revenge isn't the smartest idea.” 

 

“But I feel like I need it. I was okay, you know? After being really angry I got through it. And then he shows up and suddenly all I can think about is how I can hurt him.” 

 

“What helped the first time?”

 

“Jogging … Even … Throwing out everything that ever belonged to Julian,” Isak counted off and took another sip of his beer. 

 

“Great! You already threw everything out, so spend time with Even and keep working out. Do it until you feel better.” 

 

“Heartbreak sucks.” 

 

*

 

“Issy! Today is the day!” It was the weekend, Isak had already finished all the work for the day, except the feeding of the horses later in the day, and finally caught up with Stranger Things. Which is where he currently was, with his beer and a bag of crisps on his couch. 

 

“Since when do you call me Issy?” Isak wanted to know and watched Even close the door behind him. 

 

“You don't like it? I can think of another nickname.” And with that Even turned off the tv. 

 

“I was watching that.” Isak didn't even have the time to stand up before Even also took his beer and crisps. “What are you doing? I don't feel like working out today.” 

 

“We're not working out. C’mon you are getting furniture today.” 

 

“But the upside down!” Isak whined. 

 

“Yeah, yeah … the world will still be upside down when we're back, don't worry.” Even grabbed Isak´s hand to pull him up. 

 

“You really have no idea what Stranger Things is about,” Isak observed. 

 

“Do I need to?” 

 

“I would have thought so! You are the movie geek. Great. When we're back we are going to start Season 1. You need to watch Stranger Things!” 

 

“Okay!” Even laughed. “Now, let´s go. You need a bed, a table, chairs, maybe a new coffee table …” 

 

“Do I get to decide what I need? You know … for  _ my _ house?” 

 

“I thought I get to choose? Since I'm your boyfriend and all.” 

 

“Right. Well, you should know that you can give me ideas … but I'm still gonna do what I want. That's how this relationship works.” Isak put on his only clean shoes before following Even out to his car.

 

Even already had his keys in hand. Only that this wasn't the car Even normally came to work with. This one was bigger - would actually fit all the furniture Even planned on shopping. 

 

“Did you rent a this?” Isak wanted to know, once they both were sitting in the car. 

 

“Nah, it´s Sana´s. Remember we were shopping for her house? Everything fit in here plus your couch.” In that case Sana couldn't have bought much. Because Isak´s couch was big enough to take up most of the space in here and even with all the seats out of the way - it was still a family van and not a truck. 

 

“Speaking of Sana, do you have that list you wanted to give me? With people I can call?” Even though Even had told Isak again and again that he did everything right and that just not kicking him out was enough, Isak still needed that safety net. It was like his training years in the hospital. He diagnosed his patients but he knew that he couldn´t fuck up because his supervisor would prevent him from doing it. He needed someone by his side until he felt comfortable in his role. 

 

“I have it on my laptop. I can email it to you later.” Isak nodded. He did have Sana's number in case Even didn’t send the list. The closest Ikea was in Oslo, which wasn't a daytrip away but also not around the corner. They spend the time in the car with Even’s Spotify playlist. Isak found out that the man didn’t even have a real favourite music genre. First, some mean rap is played and the next song is some musical number from one of the movies Even likes, only to be replaced by some pop song. 

“Do you actually listen to all of these?” Isak asked scrolling through the playlist, currently looking at three different Lion King musical numbers. 

 

“Depending on my mood, yeah. See the playlists? Each playlist name comes from a movie and describes the  mood it is for.” Even tried to show him, but Isak shoved his hand away. He didn't want to die in this car. 

 

“‘Get in Bitch! We're going shopping’?” Isak read out loud.

 

“Mean Girls. That´s a roadtrip playlist,” Even grinned. Isak learned something new about Even everyday. 

 

“Whatever.” He clicked on a random playlist and put Even´s phone down. “Did you know that they don't have an Ikea in New Zealand?” Isak asked after a while when it was getting too quiet in the car. 

 

“I didn´t. Why? I thought Ikea is everywhere.” 

 

“Nope. They wanted Ikea with the Kiwi instead of an moose. Sweden didn´t like that. Now they don't have an Ikea. Locals actually order from Ikea in Australia. It's crazy! All that just because New Zealand doesn´t want a moose on their Ikea logo.” Random fact that Isak had read somewhere and couldn't forget about. He actually had to laugh when he first read it.

 

“Is the moose even on that many things? I mean I couldn't tell you where the moose is,” Even thought out loud.

 

“Couldn’t tell you. Just thought it was funny. How expensive must shipping be when you have to ship furniture over the ocean? Poor Kiwis never had an Ikea hot dog. By the way, we can´t leave without a hot dog.” Isak made sure that his lunch was taken care of.

 

“You know, I think Ikea is just a hot dog booth but you have to walk through a maze of furniture and candles and napkins to get there.” Even laughed and Isak laughed with him.

 

“Well, we're here. Let's walk through that maze. I want my hot dog.” 

  
  
  


“Why can't we buy this one? It´s really nice!” Even was sitting at one of the dinner tables. Isak was sitting next to him, not very happy.

 

“Because it's way too big! I could feed ten people on it! I´m mostly alone and f not, the most are four. I don't need it!” 

 

“But look at the dark wood. It would look really good with your kitchen.” 

 

“Even! It's super expensive, it's way too big and I don't want it. This one is way better.” Isak had gotten to a smaller, square one. 

 

“Okay, that´s the table you buy in The Sims when you have no money and don't want to cheat,” Even disagreed. 

 

“It´s also the table I can afford and will actually use.” Without further discussion Isak took a picture of the little detail card to know where to get the table and stood up. 

 

“You were lying when you said I could help,” Even pouted.

 

“C’mon. Help me find a bed, you big baby.” 

 

“So, I don´t get a say which table would be good. Even though I’ll use it almost daily. But I do get a say in which bed you get? Because I never use that. Or are we planning on changing that?” Even bumped his shoulder against Isak’s. 

 

“I should have left you at the ball pit. I´m sure they would've played the Lion King for you,” Isak grinned. 

 

“Wow. You look all cute but you're stone cold on the inside.” Isak just shrugged and kept walking. 

  
  
  


“Isak? Are you okay?” Isak heard Eva before he saw her. Seconds later she came into his house with a worried expression on her face. “What are you doing?” Isak looked around the kitchen. He had tried to build the table, but the instructions were shit and after half an hour he had decided that Sweden was stupid and he'd rather drink a beer on the floor. Even, with the Ikea tape measure around his head like a headband, still wasn´t a fan of sitting on the floor and had taken the task upon himself. And here they were in the middle of empty boxes, unused chairs and an unopened bed, halfway in the bedroom, trying to make actual furniture out of all of it. 

 

“We went to Ikea,” Isak summed it up. “Why wouldn't I be okay?” 

 

“I just saw all the boxes outside. Thought you had another meltdown, like last time you threw out Julian´s stuff.” Isak shook his head.

 

“Just got new stuff.  _ Someone  _ told me it was better for my body to have furniture.” Isak looked at Even.

 

“And  _ someone  _ would only get the furniture that was cheap and not comfortable,” he shot back without looking up. 

 

“Stop whining. I got the bed you wanted, didn't I?” Eva raised her eyebrows. 

“Since you're okay, I'm going to leave now. I just left something here after work. Have fun with that new bed. Don't be too wild!” She called halfway out of the house.

  
  


*

 

_ “You told me you loved me. And that I am the only person in your life. And still … you cheated on me. Not once … three times!” Isak was cooking Julian´s favourite dinner for them. His cheating boyfriend was sitting at their dinner table, scrolling through his iPhone.  _

 

_ “You know that I stopped seeing them?” Julian answered in his bored tone he only ever used when something really didn´t interest him.  _

 

_ “You know that I don't care?” Isak retorted. He was raging inside, but calm on the outside. The young man knew exactly how to punish Julian the way he deserved.  _

 

_ “Stop being a baby, Isak,” Julian sighed, putting his phone away. “Dinner ready yet?” Smiling Isak got his final ingredient  - what looked like a herb mixture, and sprinkled it over Julian´s plate.  _

 

_ “Yes.” e went over to the table, with both plates, and gave Julian his. “Hope you like it.” Without a thank you, Julian began to eat. Isak only had to wait a minute before Julian´s movements slowed down and he looked at Isak.  _

 

_ “Everything okay?” Isak asked innocently.  _

 

_ “What did you do?” Julian asked, pushing the plate away from him.  _

 

_ “Oh nothing. Now eat. I cooked it especially for you.” Julian understood right away what Isak meant and went to stand up. _

 

_ “Don't be rude, Julian! Sit down. I´m still eating.” Julian didn't even get the chance to do so. His eyes rolled back and with a nasty coughing fit he fell down, not moving.  _

 

_ “Ugh … don't be such a baby, Julian!” Isak mocked him, smiling to himself while he finally started on his own dinner.  _

 

Isak sat up so fast that he almost fell off his couch. How the hell did he end up in a Chicago scene in his dream?! What dark place inside him wanted Julian actually dead? Not just metaphorically. Slightly scared of himself and his imagination, Isak got up to change into his workout clothes. Maybe Magnus had been right - he needed to do what helped the first time. 

 

For an hour he jogged and sprinted through the forest. He pushed himself further, tried to get faster and to run farther. For an hour he did everything to forget about Julian and the crazy ideas his brain produced. Sweaty, tired and out of breath he finally found his way into the shower and then straight onto the couch. He was feeling a bit hungry but didn't feel like moving. He would just eat more for breakfast. Not really caring for the tv programme, he zapped through and finally stopped at some Grey´s Anatomy rerun. Back when he was in his last year of college he would binge-watch the show just to prepare himself for his intern years in the hospital. But it was nothing like the real deal. They did get some of their facts straight though. It was long shifts, sex in several rooms where it shouldn´t happen and fights between the departments. 

 

But Isak hadn’t been ready for the real deal. 28 hour shifts didn’t end in 40 minutes like on tv. He didn't have hot sex every day with his hot chief doctor. Patients weren't all friendly. He hadn´t been a Meredith Grey. And still, looking back he had some of his best years as in intern. The busyness, the happy patients, the friendships, the surgeries - it had been Isak´s dream job and he had loved it. 

 

*

 

“We need to talk about 2017 and what´s going to happen in 2018.” Jonas, Even and Isak were sitting in the construction trailer. “Where is Eva?”

 

“She was here this morning, then read something and was out the door,” Jonas shrugged.

 

“Great,” Isak said tiredly.

 

“No, wait! I´m here.” Eva came in, still wearing her riding outfit, meaning she couldn't have been far away. “Sorry.”

 

“It´s okay. Like I said we need to talk,” Isak got back to his topic.

 

“Are you breaking up with us?” Jonas joked. But Isak didn't laugh with the rest of them. “Are you?” Jonas wanted to know.

 

“This year was shit. I didn't plan it to go like this. But it did and I had to work really hard but also realized some things. For example, that this isn't really what I want to do with my life.“ Isak didn´t – couldn´t – look his friends in the eyes when he basically just told them that they needed new jobs.

 

“Are you shutting down the ranch?” Eva wanted to know. Isak could only shrug.

 

“I don't know yet. But I studied really hard and long to be a doctor. I always wanted to work in an hospital. And I miss my time there. I miss the ER and the surgeries and the happy patients when they get to leave again. I even miss the hard cases when no one knew if the patient would survive. I miss all of that.” No one needed to know that many, many episodes of Grey’s Anatomy made him realize this.

 

“I do love working with the kids. And I would never give up Waterloo. Horse riding has become a big part of my life. I guess I need to find a way to have both. But just to let you know – something will change next year. I don't know what yet  … but maybe you should look around for a new workplace.”

 

No one said anything for a bit. It didn't feel like the end of something. But it was like being in the last year of school and knowing that in six weeks you are done and won´t see your friends as often as you do now.

 

“Thanks for letting us know?” Jonas tried to find the right response.

 

“Yeah, it´s important that you´re happy, Isak. And if this isn't making you happy, then you should do something that does,” Even smiled at him.

 

“I know what will make you happy!” Eva grinned, waving around her phone. “Guess who has his annual Christmas party this year?”

 

Isak rolled his eyes. Of course she was talking about Julian. They didn´t know another person crazy enough to celebrate Christmas that big a week before it even was Christmas.

 

“How do you even know that?” Jonas wanted to know. “Were you stalking him?”

 

“People feel the need to show other people how great their life is. It isn't really stalking. I just looked him up on Facebook,” Eva quickly told him.

 

“What am I supposed to do with that information?” Isak wanted to know.

 

“Do you still want your revenge?” Eva asked and Isak nodded.

 

“Don´t you see it?” Eva was getting excited.

 

“No, what?” Isak was really confused.

 

“What does a girl do when she is broken up with? She makes sure she looks her best and hottest when she sees her ex again. So he knows what he's missing out on! I did that once with Chris and a couple days later we were back together.”

 

“That´s really manipulative,” Jonas told her.

 

“That's also not the point,” Eva snapped. “Isak! Go to that Christmas thing and show him what he threw away.”

 

“By looking my best and hottest?” Isak looked at her questionably.

 

“By looking hot and showing off your hot, new boyfriend, with whom you have a very happy, loving relationship, by your side.”

Eva was obviously pleased with herself and her idea.

 

“He didn't even invite me,” Isak voiced his concern.

 

“Did you invite him to the fall fest? No. Did he come? Yes. You have the same right,” Eva told him.

 

“This is turning into war,” Jonas decided.

 

“Okay, can I just say that it's creepy how your mind works? … or any girl’s I guess. And two – that´s actually a revenge I can be on board with,” Even decided.

 

“You can?” Isak asked quietly, not so sure himself. He wanted revenge but he didn't really want to see Julian.

 

“Yes!” Eva exclaimed. “Let me pick your outfits.”

 

*  

 

“You look perfect!” Eva gushed over the handsome couple in front of her. Isak and Even were standing in Isak´s bedroom, each wearing a nice tux. 

“In the previous years I always wore a jumper and some clean jeans. Don't you think this is a bit much?” Isak looked down at himself. They could be going to some movie premiere or a fancy New Year’s party or someone’s wedding. But Julian´s Christmas Party? They´d be the only ones dressed this formal. Everyone else would be wearing their comfy clothes to eat as much as they want and drink beer all night. 

 

“Do you want to make him jealous? What did I say about looking your best?” Eva shot him her killer look with her hands on her hips. She was not having his attitude. 

 

“I never said that I wanted to make him jealous,” Isak corrected. “Revenge was the word.” 

 

“If you don't feel comfortable we can just wear our normal clothes,” Even interrupted. “We can still be happy and in love wearing what we would normally wear.” 

 

“No! That's not how this is supposed to go. Listen, Isak, I would go to Julian´s house and shove his dick somewhere deep where it takes a really long time for him to be able to use it again. But sadly it´s none of my business. Let me have this! This makes me feel better too.” Isak and Even both looked at Eva wide-eyed...

 

“I don't ever want to be on your bad side,” Isak said and Even was quick to follow.

 

“Like I said. Your brain is creepy … and disturbing.” 

 

“Please just wear this?” Eva pleaded.

 

“Fine! Whatever. I´m not there to have fun anyways,” Isak gave his okay. 

 

“Oh, you will have fun. Once you realize that you ruined Julian´s night just by showing up. Now, be a couple.” 

 

“What?” Even asked. 

 

“Well, if you walk in there like this no one is going to believe it. You look like buds.” Isak took a step closer to Even, close enough that their arms and hands brushed against each other. Eva just raised her eyebrows. Even intertwined their hands, making sure that Isak was okay with it. 

 

“You were always kissing and touching each other with Julian. This doesn't look like a relationship you would be in, Isak.”

 

“Maybe because it´s not.”

 

“Don´t get mad at me! I´m just trying to help you here,” Eva defended herself. “And by the way, it was your idea to fake a relationship.” 

 

“We can kiss,” Even shrugged. Isak´s heart immediately began to beat faster. It wasn't that Even wasn't handsome. He was. Isak knew that. And with those lips he probably was a good kisser as well. But this was weird! Like a movie kiss. Isak always asked himself how actors could just make out for entire seasons. 

 

“Great. Kiss!” Eva kept a close eye on them. Even pulled Isak closer by the hand that was still intertwined with his own. Isak almost stumbled into Even´s chest. 

 

“Slow down,” Even laughed softly, putting his other hand on Isak´s waist. “We have time.”

 

Isak´s body couldn't have been closer to Even´s. At least not with their clothes on, which was something Isak didn't want to change. On reflex he held his head back, making it really hard for Even to reach his lips. 

 

“You need to relax. It´s just a kiss,” Even told him, holding his gaze. And okay - Even did have some pretty eyes. The hand on Isak´s waist wandered up to the back of his neck where it disappeared into his hair, caressing his skin. It did feel nice but didn't really help in relaxing him or slowing down his heart. 

 

Slowly, like Even was trying not to scare him away, his head came closer. All Isak could focus on was Even´s lips, slightly parted, coming closer. And yeah - that wouldn't be the worst thing to happen. Until Eva made a weird noise. One of these noises girls do when they like something. And that was it for Isak. No way would he pretend kiss in front of one of his best friends. 

 

“I think we're late,” he said, as he wormed his way out of Even’s arms and left the room. “Are you coming?” he called, but didn´t make sure that Even actually followed.

 

*

 

“So, this is the epic Julian Dahl Christmas Party?” Because Julian lived in a small flat, he had booked a conference room in Oslo. He obviously had to show the world that he was okay and that the breakup wasn't bothering him. Eva would be proud of Isak for realizing Julian´s motives. 

 

“I don't know about epic.” The room wasn't too big, not big enough that you would feel lost. Tables at the side were covered with food and alcohol. He had booked a dj and next to him was a table with presents. Julian hadn´t even gotten a Christmas tree. Just some Christmas lights along the windows. 

 

“Does he even care about Christmas?” Even wanted to know. “I mean … this looks like a work party.” 

 

“Should I organize one? For us? And the parents or something? Is that something a boss should do?” Isak asked. Did he forgot about another thing? Were Eva and Jonas already expecting the invitations? 

“If you want to ... it´s your ranch. You can do what you want,” Even smiled and intertwined their hands. His other hand was still deep in his trouser pocket. He looked so good. Eva´s plan would work. “C’mon, boyfriend. Let's tell the world about our love.” 

 

It didn't take long for their chance to arise. Just like in Magnus’ case, Julian and Isak still had the same friends. Or they at least knew the same people. Which is normal when you had been together for so many years. 

 

“Isak! Hey, haven't seen you in a while.” Mahdi, with a beer in his hand, came over to hug Isak. Even he was simply wearing a Christmas sweater. They really were the only classy people at this party. 

 

“Mahdi, this is Even. My boyfriend.” Isak introduced the two. 

 

“Your …” It seemed Mahdi didn't expect that. “Hi. Good to meet you. I´m Mahdi.” 

 

“Even. That’s a cool sweater.” 

 

“Thanks. Cool tux. Did Julian know that you would bring your boyfriend?” Mahdi asked Isak. 

 

“No, I´m not even sure if I'm invited. But you know … he crashes my party, I crash his.” Saying it out loud really made it sound childish. But now it was too late. He was here, he would act his part and he would go home feeling better. 

 

“Okay, that´s drama I don't want to be part of. Nice to meet you, Even! And good to see you again, Isak.” And Mahdi was gone.

 

“He's nice,” Even said.

 

“Yeah, well … are we being childish?” Isak wanted to know, not really caring about how nice Mahdi was. 

 

“No! Maybe. But as I said, you need to make sure that you are okay. And even though I am not the biggest fan of revenge, if it helps you, please do it. Now, who's next?” Even was looking around the room. 

 

“Let´s just get something to drink, okay? I need something to drink.” Isak pulled on Even´s hand on his way to the table with all the beer. The music suddenly got louder, the party really starting. 

 

“Can we dance later? I never had a partner who liked to dance,” Even asked all excited. 

 

“I don't dance. I´m the partygoer that finds a seat, gets a drink and stays until the end,” Isak tells him and grabs a beer. 

 

“And are you the kind of drunk person that dances?” Even had a sparkle in his eye that Isak didn't like. 

 

“No. I just tell you all the things I never want to tell anyone.” 

 

“That sounds fun. How many do you think until you're drunk?” Even grinned. 

 

“You're the worst, do you know that? Fuck off.” Isak pushed lightly against his chest but Even just laughed and pulled him close. 

 

“And what the hell are you two doing here?” Julian was standing next to them looking anything but amused. 

 

“Oh didn’t you know? I’ve never missed a Christmas party of yours. I would hate to start now. You met Even?” Even only pulled him closer to his chest, but still extended one hand for Julian to shake it. 

 

“Last time was a bit …” Even shrugged. “Let´s start over. I´m Even. Isak´s new main man and also working in your office. It is still yours, right? Haven't seen you.” Isak had to fight a smile. Julian just looked mad. 

 

“You two aren't welcome here.” 

 

“Mhm … yeah … I don't care. How about we go dance, babe?” Isak would show the whole room how freaking happy he was and he would stay until the very end just to annoy Julian. 

 

“I thought you don´t dance?” Even asked but didn't stop Isak. 

 

“I don´t. But sometimes you have to do things you don't like.” Isak emptied his beer can and left it at one of the tables they passed. Luckily for them, some Pop-Christmas Song was playing and no one would question if they simply danced like they were friends - which they were. 

 

Now, Isak hadn’t been lying when he said that he doesn't dance. He was terrible at it. He never knew what to do with his hands, if his weird leg shaking was even considered dancing or if what he thought was the beat really was the beat. His thoughts went crazy while trying to do something with his body. It was just easier to sit and watch others be a pro at it. 

 

“That’s a cool dance,” Even grinned. Isak rolled his eyes at him and stopped dancing. “No! Don´t stop. Teach me! Was it like this?” Even started to shake out his legs, his arms hanging limp at his side. “Yeah? And then a bit of this?” His hip shaking made it look terrible. Isak couldn't fight a laugh. 

 

“Stop it! If that's what I look like I won't ever dance again.” 

 

“It´s something else. Unique!” Even kept on dancing his weird Isak-inspired dance. Isak grabbed Even’s hips on reflex to make him stop shaking them. 

 

“Would you stop? Everyone´s starring,” Isak laughed. Even smiled down at him and put his hands over Isak´s. 

 

“So? You wanted them to see how happy you are. Are you happy?” he asked and finally stopped dancing. Instead he softly caressed Isak´s arms. Isak thought about it for a bit before he decided that yes - he was happy. Thanks to Even he was actually having fun. 

 

“I am. Thanks for doing this with me. Must be weird.” Even´s fingers were the reason for Isak´s goosebumps and he didn't seem to stop anytime soon. 

 

“I told you. Being your friend is fun. I enjoy spending my time with you. Doing it a bit more and maybe a bit more intense really isn't torture.” Oh, Isak was so so happy. 

 

“You brought your boyfriend? Or did you just meet? That would be a cute story.” Isak looked away from Even’s pretty face to find Sara with two full glasses of wine next to him. 

 

“No, I actually brought my boyfriend,” Isak smiled. The more he said it, the less weird it sounded. 

 

“Hi! I'm Sara. Used to date your boyfriend back in the day.” The woman introduced herself to Even who - just like he did with Julian - made sure to keep Isak close, with one hand, while greeting Sara. And it didn't even feel possessive. Or maybe it did - but in a good way. 

 

“Who introduces themselves like that?” Isak asked but Even was already laughing. 

 

“Nice to meet you! I´m Even. Your Ex´s boyfriend.” 

 

“I was actually just on my way to bring these to Ingrid. We haven't seen each other in a while. But come get a drink with us later, okay?” Isak nodded and Sara left. 

 

“So, how long ago did you two date? In kindergarten?” Even’s free hand found its way back to Isak’s waist. 

 

“No! High school. When I was still very much in denial about my sexuality.” Isak let himself be pulled closer. The DJ had started a slow song. One that the two of them could actually dance to without needing any skills. 

 

“How was high school for you?” Even wanted to know.

 

“Okay? I mean I don't have a “I got bullied” or “I was super popular” story. High school was me hanging out with my friends, trying to understand what the teachers wanted from me and very slowly accepting that liking boys isn’t a sin, won´t kill my mother and is totally okay.” Thinking back, Isak had a simple high school experience. He definitely could have had it worse. 

 

“That´s good,” Even smiled.

 

“How was yours?” 

 

“Well, high school was the time my bipolar started. So the first episode wasn't fun. I transferred schools afterwards but with a disorder you can't just start fresh, you know? The reason why everything went to hell would always be with me.” 

 

“Didn't it get better with your meds? Or just in general with you knowing your limits and symptoms?” 

 

“Yeah. But it also was the reason for many fights with my partners, for me having to be tutored because I missed a lot when I was depressed and for kids to behave strangely around me.” Isak had never thought about what a mental disorder in high school would be like. People could be the worst when they didn't understand something. They don't care about the reason when they can't see it. 

 

“Sounds tough.” 

 

“It was. But it also showed me who my real friends were and I learned a lot about myself. No matter how shitty some times were, I wouldn't wish for a different high school experience.” 

 

“Yeah, me neither,” Isak smiled. 

 

“Oh my god! Look where you danced to!” Some random woman Isak didn't even know pointed above them. He kind of wished she hadn´t. A mistletoe, with a bright red bow, was hanging from the ceiling. 

 

“Guess you can't escape a kiss this time,” Even whispered into Isak’s ear. Could he stop flirting for a minute? This wasn't part of the plan! Kissing in front of all these people was even worse than kissing just in front of Eva. 

 

“I can't just kiss you in a room full of strangers, my friends and my ex,” Isak whispered right back. 

 

“Especially in front of your ex,” Even decided. “C’mon forget about everyone else. Look at me.” Isak trusted Even and looked into his blue blue eyes. Even’s big hand cupped his cheek and started to caress his skin. For a bit they just looked at each other, getting lost in each other’s eyes. And only then did Even slowly, so slowly, close the gap between them. His bigger lips felt as good on his thinner ones as Isak had imagined. Once started, Isak didn't really feel like stopping and moved his lips against Even’s. Even kissed back just as enthusiastically and pulled Isak closer with the hand still on his waist. 

 

“You need to kiss, not make out.” The stranger woman stopped them and Isak actually was a bit out of breath. For not wanting to kiss Even, this had turned out rather nicely. 

 

“I always lose my feeling for everything else when we kiss,” Even joked. He  _ joked _ . Why would he joke about their kiss? Isak would have thought that some things just can't be faked. Like that kiss. 

 

“I think I will have that drink with Sara and Ingrid now,” Isak excused himself and went to find the women. 

 

*

 

“You really shouldn't be left out of sight with alcohol,” Even told Isak later that night when he helped him to bed. Isak simply furrowed his eyebrows. He was just having fun with his friends. Talking about the good old times. 

 

“I had fun,” Isak told him and let Even help him out of his shoes. 

 

“That´s great. I had fun as well.” That was nice to hear. Isak smiled to himself. 

 

“You're the best boyfriend, ever,” Isak told him with his eyes already closed, ready to sleep.

 

“Fake-boyfriend,” Even corrected him.

 

“Boyfriend. Can we kiss again?” Isak asked but didn't get an answer. Or maybe he did. Somewhere between his question and the next three seconds Isak fell asleep.

  
  
  
  



	4. Self-loathing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter has nothing to do with self-loathing. But it´s the next stage and what happens in this chapter needs to happen for the finale one. Also: I won´t have as much time the next weeks/months so please don´t expect the next chapter anytime soon ... but it will come!!

*** Self-loathing ***

 

[ https://karriere.no/ ](https://karriere.no/)

**Head of Medical Operations Norway**

As Head of Medical Operations in Norway, you will be responsible for managing and organizing the medical team, as well as the medical activities and processes in the country. This is done in close cooperation with Norway Medical Director, Staffing and Support Manager, and other key employees in Norway.

  
  


[ https://www.jucan.no/ ](https://www.jucan.no/)

**Division of Mental Health**

Investigation and treatment of children and adolescents with mental difficulties / disorders, in cooperation with their families and in accordance with applicable laws and guidelines.

  
  


**Assistant Head of Section Nursing**

Responsibilities:

Substitute when section head nursing is absent

The position is part of the department's management team, responsible for daily operations

Responsible for the clinic's procedures in the field of nursing, further develop, prepare and contribute to the introduction / follow-up of guidelines (EQS).

  
  


**Doctor in specialization, rotation, temporary staff**

Qualifications:

The person appointed must be Norwegian for written and oral communication

For the position, Norwegian authorization is required

Service that is not documented will not be included in the assessment

Please provide at least two reference persons

 

*

 

“Can I come in?” Isak looked up from where he was sitting at his dinner table to see Jonas in his doorway. He nodded and looked back down to his desktop. “Are you busy? Haven't seen you all day.”

 

Isak shook his head no. But then he nodded. He didn't know what he was doing. It had been a long day. Weeks really. Instead of just telling Jonas, he showed him his laptop. 

 

“You really want to go back to the hospital?” He asked at seeing not only the job hunting site but also Isak’s search for an apartment near by. 

 

“I don’t know. Yes? I want to go back but I haven't been working as a doctor for so many years. What if I kill a patient by accident?” It was the fear and the self-doubt that made Isak look for jobs - but not actually apply.

 

“I would hope that killing a patient only happens by accident. Otherwise you'll be in jail, dude,” Jonas laughed. 

 

“That might've been a dramatic example. But there's so much responsibility! I haven't … what if I forgot a tiny thing and that's the reason the patient is going to die?” 

 

“Issy, you won’t be the only doctor in that hospital. You won't have to decide on your own. And you have a lot of responsibility with the kids now, as well! You could really hurt them if you didn’t do your job right. But you do. Because you care about them. And because your job is to help them. It will be the same thing in the hospital.” 

 

Maybe Jonas was right. But here, Isak had the same kids for a couple of years. He knew them and he knew how to handle them and what was important when he worked with them. In the hospital, he would have new patients everyday. 

 

“I don't know, Jonas.” Isak sighed and closed his laptop. 

 

“You will be a great doctor. Whatever you decide, I'll stick by your side. Now … I don't know what happened between you and Even.” Isak sighed again. That was another factor for his miserable life in the last weeks. “But he asked me to tell you to synchronize and check your calendar. Some parents have booked first time appointments. He also wants to know if you even want him to take on new clients if you're not even sure how long you will do this job.” 

 

“I'll check my calendar,” Isak agreed. 

 

“What  _ did  _ happen between you two? You haven't been hanging out since the party and I barely even see you two talking. I mean he is literally behind that door and he sends me to ask you.” Jonas pointed to the door that connected Isak’s house with the office. 

 

That was a question Isak didn't know the answer to. Because that would require them talking and that was something they didn't do anymore. Since the morning after the party, something between them had changed.

 

*

 

_ Isak had had hangovers in his life. Some had made him wish to be dead. Some had made his toilet his best friend. Some had tied him to the bed for days. This was not one of them. And still - Isak wished for less alcohol in his body.  _

 

_ The sun was too bright. The horses were walking to loud over the floor on their way to the riding hall. The kids were laughing too loud. The cars coming and going made his head explode. And the worst part - knowing that he could hear and feel all those things meant that he was really really late for work.  _

 

_ He wished he could've jumped out of bed to make up for his oversleeping. But that's not how his body worked when hungover. Instead, he rolled around in bed, whining to himself, before finally getting out of bed and taking some clean clothes with him to get a cold shower. With two glasses of water chugged down he left his house nearly an hour later. Jonas was leaving the stables - just in time for Isak to apologize.  _

 

_ “I'm really sorry! I should've put my alarm on but I was so drunk last night I'm pretty sure I fell asleep on Even.” Isak rubbed his forehead. The headache would be his best friend today, not leaving him. “Fuck, the horses. Did they got enough time between food and sessions?” Isak panicked. God, he had fucked up the entire time table for everyone.  _

 

_ “Isak, relax!” Jonas laughed. “I knew you would stay long, and you went to see your ex … of course you would get drunk. I came in early today to do the first round. Everything's taken care of. Take it easy today.”  _

 

_ “Fine. Thanks. But you'll be going home early today! I can't let you work extra hours because I got drunk.” Isak pointed his finger at Jonas before leaving for the office. Even hadn't had as much to drink as Isak but he must feel some effect of the night before.  _

 

_ “How do you feel about less working and more - Even?” The office was empty. Even must be here somewhere. The computer was on and the papers on the desk looked like they were worked on. But Even wasn't to be found. Isak tried the kitchen attached to the office but again - no Even. With furrowed eyes, he left the office to see the kids in the riding hall. Even on his day off, he liked to check in on kids and parents to stay updated. Eva was in the hall with Suzie. Even nowhere to be found. After a couple conversations with the parents, Isak went into the stable to get Waterloo ready. He didn't have much to do - Jonas had done more than necessary - so he used the extra time to go on a long, relaxing ride.  _

 

_ It was still early and the dog owners or sport enthusiasts were at work or at home - but not in the forest Isak used. It was quiet. The only sounds were the leather of the saddle, the grass beneath Waterloo and some birds in the trees. It was just enough for Isak’s hangover. He took a route he normally never used with Eva and Jonas - mostly because the path got really narrow and not riding next to each other made talking a bit hard.  _

 

_ It was a path mostly through high grass, that Waterloo stopped every now and then to graze. Isak didn't stop him - he had time. The path went up a hill with a lookout which was Isak’s goal. It was really just a bench in the same high grass but Waterloo could walk around and Isak could think without the noises of a running ranch around him.  _

 

_ It was getting cold and Isak wasn't wearing the right clothes. He should've known better but his hungover brain didn't work that well. Which brought him back to Even. The ranch wasn't big. He couldn't just hide all day. And Isak knew that he was here - the ongoing work in his office was proof enough. Did something happen last night? Isak was pretty sure that he remembered everything and nothing seemed bad enough to make Even mad at him. Or maybe he just didn't want to hang out with his therapist anymore? Weren't they friends anymore? Even hadn't been in his life long but he had made a great impact in the little time he was. Whatever had happened- Isak needed to fix it.  _

 

_ It took him an hour to get back on Waterloo and ride back home. Sitting in the cold had made his body go numb and riding was just painful. He hurried getting Waterloo ready for the rest of the day and tried it again in the office. Still with no luck.  _

 

_ “Isak!” Eva ran over to him when he left the office. “Do you have a patient file for Even?” She wanted to know. Isak nodded. Of course he had. He had one for every client.  _

 

_ “Can I have it?”  _

 

_ “Why?” Isak wanted to know. The only thing in there was why Even was a patient and what happened in each session. All things she could just ask him.  _

 

_ “I need to know what you two have worked on so far.” Eva shrugged. _

 

_ “Why?” Isak was officially confused.  _

 

_ “Oh god. He lied didn't he. You guys didn't talk about it.”  _

 

_ “Talked about what, Eva?” Isak was getting impatient. _

 

_ “He asked me to take over his sessions. That you knew about it.” Something broke inside of Isak. He didn't know what had happened in the last 12 hours. But it had been enough to fuck everything up that the two of them had had. _

 

_ * _

“Isak?” Jonas called. Isak had spaced out. He simply shrugged and looked at his best friend. 

 

“I can't tell you. Everything was good, we had fun and nothing out of the ordinary happened. And ever since the morning after, Even won't talk to me, let alone be in the same room as me. I wouldn't even know he still worked here, I never see him!” Isak was getting upset but he had every right to be upset, at least he thought so.

 

“Do you want me to ask him?” Jonas offered but Isak shook his head no. 

 

“I don't need you to fight my battles. Sooner or later I'll find out what's going on with him.”

 

“You don't think it's an episode?” Jonas thought out loud.

 

“He's been working with Eva. She would know.” Isak was sure that he would know if Even had an episode. His bipolar didn't made him a new person. He still had the same feelings just more intense. Even wouldn't spend his manic phase with Isak and hide from him the next. That didn't even make sense. 

 

“Whatever it is, I hope he comes around. You two were good for each other.” Yeah, Isak hoped so too.

 

*

 

Christmas music was blasting through the speakers in Isak’s local grocery store. He really tried to not be annoyed but with his job not making him really happy and the whole Even mess, he really didn't need those stupid pop stars to sing about going home for Christmas or spending it with loved ones. Because Isak wouldn't be. He hadn't spend a Christmas with his family in years! Mainly because - as he grew older - he understood why his mother did the things she did. And it didn't hurt as much when she - once again - told him that being gay was a sin. But he never really forgave his father. And with Isak learning a thing or two about his mother's condition and his father just not listening - even though it would help his wife - Isak gave up. 

 

He would visit his mother close to Christmas but that was it. No big dinner, no Christmas tree, no presents. Christmas was just another day - this year to show Isak how messed up his life was. 

 

Isak maneuvered his shopping cart through the aisles to get everything he would need in the next days and tried not to collide with early Christmas shoppers and kids looking for possible Christmas gifts. He still needed to get something for Eva and Jonas. They always got something for each other to swap at Julian's Christmas party. He would get something for Even even though the other man clearly didn't want anything to do with him. 

 

Maybe he  _ should  _ organize a Christmas party just for his friends. He could invite Magnus as well. But then he really needed gifts. Not caring about those right now, he left for the check out to leave the busy Christmas shoppers by themselves. 

 

On the way back to the ranch, his thoughts went back to a possible Christmas party. Something small: just them drinking some beer and eating Christmas cookies. He would need to invite Even if it became a work thing. Maybe that would force him to finally talk with Isak. If he had learned one thing, in the last months with his break up, it's that communication was important. 

 

Last time he ignored the fact that communication was key, he was cheated on  _ again  _ and went through hell afterwards. He didn't want the same to happen with him and Even. Not that he would cheat - he couldn't - but what if their friendship was over because of whatever the fuck had happened? Isak had thought a lot about that night. Maybe it had been the kiss - but it was Even who had kissed  _ him.  _ And he didn't seemed horrified afterwards. He even brought him home! Maybe it was Isak telling him that he wanted to kiss some more - but Even didn't tell him off and if he hadn’t wanted, he would've kissed him differently at the party. He had even - for a second - thought about Even being manic during the party but he was sure that he would've known. So what was Even’s problem?! 

 

It drove Isak crazy that he was slowly losing Even and didn't know why or how to stop it. Julian had fucked him up enough when it came to trusting people. To Isak it was a big deal that he trusted Even right away. No one could understand why he was so down right now. It wasn't just a friendship or just a “phase”. The only other person who would get it was Magnus. 

 

First thing after putting away the groceries was to text the other man, to invite him over. 

 

**Isak**

Wanna hang out?

 

**Magnus**

Sure. What and when? 

 

**Isak**

Something that will make me forget about how my life has gone to hell 

 

**Magnus**

Say no more! See you in a couple hours.

 

*

 

“I have all you need!” was what Isak was greeting with when he opened the door to Magnus after both of their work days were over. In his hands he held yet another six pack of some cheap beer and some cigarettes. 

 

“Great. Come in!” Isak stepped aside to let Magnus through. 

 

“There's a new table,” he acknowledged but kept walking to sit on the couch. “Do you even smoke? I'm a stress smoker so I thought it might help. Don't tell your doctor, he wouldn't approve,” Magnus laughed. 

 

“Well, I'm my own doctor and I need one from time to time,” Isak said and sat next to his newest friend. 

 

“Yeah, me and Google are my own doctor as well,” Magnus nodded. 

 

“I'm serious. I went to university and all. I am actually a doctor.”

 

“Then why are you here?” 

 

“Because I gave up what I really loved, for a man I really loved, only to get cheated on several times.” Isak explained and took a beer. 

 

“That's shit. He shouldn't have asked you to do that.” 

 

“I'm not even sure if that's how it was. Maybe it was my idea. Whoever's fault it was, I'm regretting it.” 

 

“Is that why your life went to hell?” Magnus asked but Isak shook his head no and took another swing of his beer. 

 

“Even’s ignoring me.” And yes, Isak knew how childish that sounded. 

 

“Dude…” was all that Magnus said and gave him an ‘are you serious?’ look. 

 

“ _ After  _ we kissed,” Isak specified. “I know it was a fake kiss but it didn't feel like a fake kiss and Even was fine afterwards, but I haven't seen him since. Eva is doing his sessions and it's really shit because even kissing him was a big deal because-” Isak stopped talking in hopes that Magnus would understand. 

 

“Because it's hard enough to trust again,” Magnus summed it up. Isak nodded. 

 

“And I don't even know  _ why _ he stopped.” 

 

“It is shit. But Isak, if I would hate life every time I lost a friend over the years I'd never be happy again.” 

 

“Yeah, well … he's not just a friend. He's a really close friend and I don't want to lose him over something stupid.” Magnus looked at him for a minute before facing him and asking:

 

“Be serious. Do you want him as more than a friend?” 

 

“I need one of those now.” Isak grabbed one of the cigarettes and got up to smoke outside. 

 

*

 

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*

 

In the middle of December Isak had finally decided to organize a small Christmas party for him and his friends. Even though it had always been Julian's project, Isak would miss it if he didn't have one this year. He also hoped that it would force Even to acknowledge his existence.

 

He had simply sent out a text to each of his friends which included Magnus and Sana - the latter mainly because he wanted to finally meet her in person - and asked them to come to his on the upcoming December weekend to have a little Christmas celebration. It was short notice but he knew his friends. They were spontaneous enough for it. 

 

All he expected was an ‘okay’ text in reply, not Eva in front of him shoving her cell in his face. 

 

“Yes, Eva. How can I help you with your phone?” Isak asked to which Eva just punched him on the shoulder. 

 

“I thought there wouldn't be one this year! There was a great ugly sweater outfit that I didn't buy and now I could've worn it?!” Isak wasn't even sure when this shopping madness with Eva had started. She was completely fine with her basic wardrobe when they first met. 

 

“It's next weekend, Eva. Today is Monday. You have all the time to buy that thing. Also you could just wear what you already have.” 

 

“No I can't. To what occasion would I wear that thing if not to a Christmas party? It's ugly!” Eva explained as if Isak were a child. Though regarding fashion, that might be true. “By the way, I talked to Jonas about how you and Even need to get your shit together.” 

 

“That's really not up to me,” Isak told her. “I haven’t even seen him since the party. It's like he knows when I come to find him and he just runs.” 

 

“Yeah, I know. He told me. Not why but that he does it. Thought you might want to know that his new movie is out. The link is on his website. He worked really hard on it.” Isak didn't even know that Even was working on a new project. Of course he knew about his job and that he worked on it sometimes on the ranch after his office hours, but he had never told Isak it was something out so soon. 

 

“Thanks. Next time, tell him he can tell me himself,” Isak told her bitterly. It really was quite shitty of him. That man, who was older than him, told him that it was childish to plot revenge against Julian, and  _ he _ needed their mutual friends to get a message to Isak? Isak wanted to laugh but wasn't in the mood. 

 

“You guys really need to sort this out,” Eva said annoyed.

 

“Oh, maybe  _ you  _ can tell him that. That seems to be the new way of communication for us,” Isak said before saying his goodbye and going inside. He wasn't even really mad at Even. Mostly just sad and tired of feeling that way. But he also didn't seem to be able to get out of his mood. 

 

Self love, Even had said. And maybe that is something Isak needs to work on. But after everything that went to shit for him, the last thing he needs to feel better is a reminder of Even’s life without him. He knew that. And still - for some reason he found himself in bed, with the laptop on his lap, looking for Even’s new movie. 

 

It started with a girl’s back in front of a sunrise. She was standing at the beach just looking at the slowly changing sky. The background music told you that it would be a happy movie. Some light love story probably. The camera zoomed out. You could see more of the beach now, some teen walking his dog in the background. The soft waves hitting the shore. And then the girl’s monologue started about how she will never love again and everything that every romantic movie started with nowadays. Isak didn't care about all that. He was only focused on the editing of the movie. On Even’s work. 

 

Isak didn't know a thing about editing nor what good or bad editing was. He just knew that the movie Even worked on turned out very nice. Music and picture worked great together and it was pleasant to look at. Even did a stupidly good job. Not that Isak would tell him. 

 

*

 

“Isak, I drew you a picture!” Anni was trying to roll to her therapist without ruining the painting in her hand. Her mother was standing behind her just watching. She had told Isak once that she didn't want to do everything for Anni as soon as it got a bit tough. She needed to learn that she could be just as independent as any other kid her age. Anni Sætre would grow up being a tough cookie. The kid finally decided to put the piece of paper on her lap and roll over very slowly to not let the wind blow it on the ground. 

 

“What did you draw?” Isak wanted to know with a smile, waiting for her to get to him. 

 

“It's you and Billy and me on Billy.” She told him and pointed to every stick figure and the horse. With warmth spreading through him, he took the picture and thanked Anni. She was such a sweet child. With her mother's hand on her back, Anni left the ranch. It's those moments that made it so hard for Isak to decide on his future. These kids loved what he did for them. They were looking forward to the next lesson. Isak looked over to Eva and Jonas laughing about something. They had come to the ranch to help out but ended up getting the degree they needed to really work in a therapeutic way. Isak knew that both of his friends enjoyed the work and gave their all with the kids. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Even hurrying into the office. Even, who came to help himself and ended up being a friend … or something like that.  

 

Isak wasn't deciding on his own future. Whatever his decision was, it would affect everyone involved. Even Julian. If he really left the ranch behind, Julian would have to take over. But Isak didn't think Julian would want that - he couldn't care less about it. Not once had he asked about the kids, the ranch or even  _ his own horse.  _ Legally, Isak would have to talk with him about it. And that wouldn't be easy. Julian didn't look very jealous at his party but really really pissed off. 

 

Isak went back inside to put Anni’s picture on his fridge. He had always thought that by now, he would have his own kids and that their drawings would be on their fridge. But life had other plans. He looked around his, not really festive, living room / kitchen and decided to start decorating. Christmas wasn't his favorite holiday but he wanted a nice Christmas get together and needed the right atmosphere. Somewhere, Julian had stored a big box of Christmas decorations. You wouldn't believe it from what they saw at this year’s party but Julian was actually quite good with decorating for the holidays. But Isak tried his best, put on some Michael Bublé and put Santas on the shelves, red pillows on the couch, Christmas lights in the window and the nativity on the floor next to his tv. All that was missing was a Christmas tree that Isak didn't really want, but knew that Eva would give him shit if he didn't get one. 

 

Knowing that he couldn’t carry one by himself, he went out to find Jonas. He didn't want to ask Eva. The decorated Christmas tree should be a nice surprise for her. That's how good a friend Isak was. Jonas was outside talking to Even. This was the second time today that Isak saw him. Maybe a sign that things would be okay - or the universe liked to mock him. Probably the latter because Even didn't look happy at all when Isak approached them. 

 

“Is! We were just talking about Even’s movie.” Jonas tried to get Isak into the conversation but Even wasn't looking at him and the whole thing was just awkward.

 

“Haven't seen it.” He lied. Even visibly swallowed and looked down. Maybe he remembered not even telling Isak about it. “Jonas, can you help me with something?” He kept talking to Jonas. 

 

“Sure, what is it?” 

 

“I need a Christmas tree for the party.” Jonas furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Even.

 

“Maybe Even can -”

 

“I asked you, Jonas.” Isak interrupted him, not wanting to feel the bad feeling that would spread through him when Even rejected him  _ again _ .

 

“Fine. See you, Even!” 

 

Isak walked away without a goodbye. Two could play this game. 

 

“You know, you make it really hard to help you two.” Jonas told him once they were far enough away. 

 

“I don't need rejection right now, okay?” Even wanted for Isak to love himself? He loved himself enough to know what's best and to protect himself from the next heartbreak. 

 

“Okay,” Jonas sighed. “So Christmas tree. Where do we get one?”

 

“I don't know. Everyone sells them. We take the first one we find. I just need one for Eva.” 

 

“Okay, Mr. Grinch,” Jonas laughed. “Let's get an ugly tree for Eva.” 

 

*

 

“You really got a tree!” exclaimed Eva, when she walked in. 

 

“What is that?!” Isak stared at Eva's skirt. If that was the outfit she so desperately needed, they should have a talk about spending money for useless shit. That skirt was absolutely horrendous.

 

“Cool, isn't it?” Eva moved her hips a bit to get the skirt to move with her. A skirt made out of christmas bows … green, red, white, and gold bows were all over the skirt and where it met the black jumper she wore, it had a big golden tinsel. One of the bows was even part of Eva's hair style.

 

“Not the word I would've used …” Isak said. 

 

“It's a Christmas party. Party! It's where you dress up. So I got you this.” She held out an elf hat for Isak to take. “Look it even comes with elf ears you can put over yours.” 

 

Eva should never stop working with children. The things that could excite her … she was the dream adult in any kid’s life. 

 

“Gimme that hat but you can keep the ears.” Isak put the hat over his somewhat styled hair and looked around his living room. He wasn't sure if Eva had reached out to everyone or if he was the only one not knowing about this weird dress code to  _ his own  _ party but everyone was dressed in a festive … costume. 

 

Magnus, sitting with Jonas, was wearing a Christmas sweater with an elf body on it. He already had his first bottle of beer in his hand and was laughing with Jonas about something. Isak knew that he would fit in his friend group. Magnus was just an easygoing and likable guy. 

 

Jonas, for sure forced by Eva, had a reindeer hair band in his curls. With every move of his head, the little bells on it rang. That would be fun once they all were drunk enough to find it more entertaining than annoying. 

 

Standing near the door leading to the office was Even, looking ridiculously good in a full santa costume. The only thing missing was the big white beard. He was talking to, Isak assumed, Sana. The woman seemed to be the only one getting Isak and hadn't dressed up, even though her dark green hijab matched the Christmas decorations. 

 

The only reason Isak had invited her was to get to know her. And part of the party was for Even to finally talk to him, so his first move was to go over and introduce himself. 

 

“Hey! I’m Isak.” He offered Sana his hand to shake which she accepted. 

 

“Hi! I'm Sana. Thanks for inviting me. It's nice to get out of the house for once,” she laughed. 

 

“Are you a stay at home mom? Or why don't you leave the house much?” Isak gladly picked up the topic.

 

“Oh, no! I'm not even sure if I want kids. My husband does and I know we should start soon, with my age and all.” Isak looked closely at her. She had to be around the same age as everyone else. The late twenties or early thirties wasn’t that late for a baby. “I do work a lot. In the hospital, in the city, as a biologist. I love that job too much right now to give it up for kids.” 

 

Of course she worked in the hospital. As if Isak needed even more signs that whatever reasons he told himself not to do it - his way to complete happiness in his job was getting back on the hospital floors. 

 

“You don't happen to know if they have any open jobs?” Isak jokes.

 

“Right! You're a doctor. Even told me.” She pointed to the other man, only that he was no longer there. At some point he must've left them alone and was now talking to Eva. 

 

“I'm thinking about going back. It's the job that makes me the happiest.” 

 

“Then do it. I don't know about job offers in the medical department. But we can always use new scientists,” she laughed. Isak was amazed how a laugh could transform her facial expression from ‘don't talk to me’ to right sunshine. 

 

“No, thanks. I don't really feel like going back to university.” He had studied long enough in his life. 

 

“Just apply. You have good references with what you're doing here and you did a good job with Even when he was manic.” 

 

“But those are specific disabilities, not some random illnesses,” Isak voiced his biggest concern again. 

 

“But that makes it a good reference! How often are disabled people in the hospital and not treated right? And I'm talking about things like talking down to them. You would be great because you have the medical knowledge but also know how to work with the disabled.” 

 

“You're really good at pep talk for someone I just met.” Isak told her. Her way of seeing it didn't make his concerns vanish but she was right about Isak having an advantage over other candidates.

 

“I'm normally not. But Even can't stop talking about you. I feel like I know you good enough to give advice just from what he told me.” Isak looked back over to Even. When he was talking that much about him, he couldn't be mad at him. The problem had to be something else. He wouldn't let him leave tonight without some answers. 

 

*

 

Even though Isak had made that promise to himself it took him almost until the party was over to actually talk to Even. He took a chance when Even was sitting by himself on the couch on his own. 

 

“You know, I don’t care if you want to stop being friends or whatever. But at least tell me why,” Isak said the second he sat down, mainly because he didn’t want to give himself a chance to chicken out. Even just sighed. “And don’t sigh at me!” 

 

“I do want to be your friend, Isak,” Even said quietly. 

 

“You have a funny way of showing it,” Isak told him bitterly. 

 

“Can we not do this right now?” Even pleaded but Isak wasn’t having it. 

 

“You have been ignoring me for weeks now, Even. I don’t see you anymore, you canceled your sessions with me without telling me, you run into your hiding corner as soon as I turn up - yes, Even. We are doing this now!” 

 

“Then at least somewhere that´s not in front of our friends?” Isak didn’t want to give Even what he wanted. Not after his actions in the last weeks. But if it was the only way he could finally get some answers...

 

“Fine. C’mon.” Isak got up and left the house to go into the stable. At the end of the hall were some hay bales that Isak sat on, waiting for Even to sit down next to him. He didn’t say anything but waited for Even to say something. 

 

“Do you remember everything that happened after the party?” Even asked and Isak nodded. So it was something that had happened in his half-asleep state. “Isak, you told me that you wanted to be my boyfriend. And to kiss some more.” Isak knew that. What was his point? 

 

“You didn’t say that you didn’t want it,” Isak complained. 

 

“I know! But … I told you that I’m still on my self-love journey. Last time … my relationships have always circled around my bipolar. I never had the chance to be  _ me  _ because when I had fun, I was supposedly manic. When I was tired, my partner thought I was depressed. I grew up with bipolar disorder. I know my symptoms. I know when I’m happy and when I’m manic. You never told Julian that you knew he cheated, because you didn't want to lose the relationship. I always held myself back to have a relationship. I was never 100% me. And that’s so bad and unhealthy. I can’t be in a relationship again where I have to give myself up.”

 

“What makes you think you have to give yourself up in a relationship with me? It was never a big deal in our friendship, why would it in a relationship?” Isak wanted to know.

 

“Why is it hard for you to trust people? Situations and people fuck us up. And we get issues. I don’t like the fact that I’m this way about relationships. But it is what it is.” Even saying it like this, it made sense. 

 

“So, you wouldn’t say no to a relationship with me but we’re both too fucked up to have one right now,” Isak summed up and Even nodded. Great. Just when you think you reached adulthood and all the relationship drama is over it starts again. But thinking about it, Isak couldn’t even be mad at him.

 

“But now that you’ve told me … can we at least hang out again?” Isak wanted to know. Even as a friend was still something he needed in his life. 

 

“Yeah.” Even smiled and relief washed through Isak.  

 

“Good. And if it helps, just keep doing your sessions with Eva. I don’t care. Just don’t do that kind of stuff behind my back again!” Isak pointed at Even.

 

“I won’t,” Even laughed. “You were just … too much at the time.” Isak decided to take it as a compliment. “I can’t even pinpoint at what point friendly feelings towards you became something more. It was just natural … even that fake relationship.” 

 

Isak grimaced at that. “That wasn’t my smartest idea,” he admitted. 

 

“I liked it. It allowed me to act on my instincts without it being weird. But when you told me that it wasn’t just me that felt this way, it became too real. You were overwhelming me without knowing and I had to take a break from you.”

 

It did sound a bit harsh. But Isak could understand where Even was coming from. The younger man also couldn’t tell when he started liking Even the way he does. It wasn’t love and it would probably take him a long time to admit feelings like that again. But it was definitely something more than what he felt for Eva or Jonas. 

 

“I did watch your movie, by the way,” Isak told him and moved closer to Even, but still giving him the chance to move away. “It was really good.” Even smiled at him and put his arm around him. They might not be what Isak would’ve hoped, but at least they were in each other’s life again. And that was all Isak needed right now.

 

*

 

“Tell me again why we’re doing this.” 

 

“It’s tradition.”

 

“And then why am I here?” 

 

“Because I’m not very good.” 

 

Isak and Even were standing in Isak’s kitchen. In front of them were all the ingredients they would need for some Christmas cookies. 

 

“Okay, but if it’s tradition then why don’t you know how to do it?” Even had come over after his work in the office was done, to Isak reading a baking book. The moment he walked in, Isak had this light in his eyes and pulled Even inside and gave him the recipe to read. 

 

“I baked some cookies once for my mom for Christmas when I was younger because she was in a clinic and I didn’t know what to get her. She was super happy about them so I did it every year. She always eats them but I’ve tasted them. They taste like shit. But with you here, I can make her some good cookies. I’m visiting her tomorrow,” Isak explained. 

 

“You’re not going home for Christmas?”

 

“No. I never go home for Christmas. Just see my mom and then that’s it.” Isak shrugged. 

 

“What do you do for Christmas then?” Even asked and pulled the mixing bowl towards him, starting with the cookie dough.

 

“Mostly ignore it. I can’t remember one normal Christmas celebration in my life. It’s not like I miss it. And I don’t need you to save Christmas for me!” Isak knew that Even was the kind of guy that would go all out to make sure Isak had a great Christmas. But the truth was: Isak liked his not-Christmas. He didn’t even really want to know what it could be like. 

 

“That’s sad.” 

 

“How is that sad? Many people don’t celebrate Christmas.” Isak handed Even the eggs for the dough.

 

“Yeah, but those are religion reasons. Yours is a family problem.” 

 

“It’s not like I chose my family.” Isak looked down, scribbling into the flour that had fallen out of the package. 

 

“I know. It’s still sad. But don’t worry, I won’t try to save your Christmas if you want to be alone. You should know though, that I love Christmas. And this relationship will have christmas celebrations in the future. And our kids will love Christmas. And you will turn from a grinch to a Who.” Isak smiled. It was nice hearing Even talking about their future even though both of them weren’t completely ready for the next step yet. 

 

“Good luck with that.” Isak grinned happily and went to get some cookie cutters to get his mother's cookies finally done. 

 

“What about New Year’s Eve? Do you hate and ignore that too?” 

 

“You make me sound like I hate the world,” Isak replies grumpily. 

 

“Well, you are grumpy.” Even grinned and Isak pushed him gently against the shoulder. 

 

“I just don’t get why people get over excited about weird things. Like Christmas. It’s just some dude's birthday. I bet most people don’t even care about that and the kids nowadays don’t even know it. But everyone is suddenly super nice and want to give back and the world is apparently the most peaceful planet in the universe. It’s just a big lie people tell themselves.” Even looked at him with big eyes. 

 

“Wow. You really are a grinch. With some good points but still a grinch.” 

 

“Whatever. It’s better to accept that the world isn’t perfect and people are fucked up. Anyways. I do like New Year’s. It’s fun. And I can get drunk and forget about the crappy world.” 

 

“Great! You won’t let me save Christmas but I will spend my New Year’s with you. How about we go to a bar or some party in the city. Or do you need to stay on the ranch?” Together they had cut out all the cookies and Isak put the tray in the oven. 

 

“No, we can go to a bar. I just need to feed the horses before I go.” 

 

“Perfect! I’ll pick one out. One where we can dress up. You did look crazy good in that suit.” And okay - even though Even didn’t want a relationship, flirting seemed to be okay. 

 

“It’s just a suit,” Isak told him blushing. 

 

“One that made you look really hot.” Even grinned. Isak was sure that Even knew exactly what he was doing to Isak. 

 

*

 

“It’s me!” Isak called when he entered his mother's house. He had the spare key ever since it was clear that Isak knew what he was doing with his mother’s bad phases. Everyone felt better knowing that someone could actually get to her when something happened. His dad was just glad that it wasn’t him. 

 

“I’m in the living room!” Before he followed his mother's voice, he put his shoes in the hallway next to the billions that his mother owned. 

 

“Hey, Mamma.” Isak gave her a hug and a small kiss on the cheek. “I made you some Christmas cookies. This year they actually taste good.” 

 

His mother took the box and smiled at her son. “They always taste good.” 

 

“That’s a lie. I know how they taste,” Isak laughed. 

 

“Where’s Julian? Is he still parking the car? My neighbors are having a party. It’s awful, the entire street is full of their cars.” 

 

The negative side of Isak not talking to his mother a lot was that she didn’t know about major changes in her son's life. 

 

“Julian won’t be coming.”

 

“Is it the ranch? You two always work so hard.” In a couple months it would be spring. Shortly after came summer. That would mark the one year of their break up. They haven’t worked together in a while.

 

“Mamma, Julian and I broke up. Last summer.” Isak sat down on the couch. Christmas lights were everywhere and in the corner was a Christmas tree. Even though she didn’t even celebrate. On her coffee table was a Christmas tablecloth and some cookies and chocolates. She put Isak’s cookies down next to them and sat down. 

 

“Can’t you make up? You two were so good for each other.” She would think that. She had seen them once - maybe twice - a year. People said the same thing about him and Even. The difference was that Isak could tell that he was a better person with Even. Less grumpy. More motivated. He felt good around him, not like he had to be there.

 

“He cheated on me several times. I don’t want him in my life anymore, Mamma. The relationship is over. Forever.” 

 

“He cheated?” His mother took it worse than he would’ve thought. “Why would he do that?!” 

 

“I don’t know. We’re not really talking right now. I kicked him out and now I have the ranch to run by myself. Eva and Jonas help. And Even. He’s new. But I know that it’s not my dream job.” It was nice that his mother was having a good day and that he could actually talk to her. No matter how bad a family construction might be - sometimes everyone just needed their mother. 

 

“Honey, you need to do what you need to be happy. People are selfish. That’s just how humans are. The worst case you saw with Julian! It’s your right to be selfish.” Right or not right, he still felt guilty about eventually giving up the ranch. 

 

“I would love to go back to the hospital, Mamma. Maybe to work again as a neonatologist but study on the side to work with mental illnesses. I’d really like that.” It was the first time that Isak had voiced his secret wish for his future. 

 

“Then do that! I believe that you will be a great psychiatrist. You could work in the psychiatry clinic or in the hospital for those patients.” 

 

“Yeah, maybe.” 

 

“You’re still young, Isak. Follow your dreams.” Isak smiled at that. As cheesy as it was, he really needed to follow his dreams to be truly happy. 

 

“What’s with the tree?” Isak changed the subject. “You’ve never had one.” 

 

“You know what I realized? Christmas can be about Jesus when we do it right. I will have a very religious Christmas. No presents or big dinners. You know I don’t like it.” Yep. The reason Isak never had a normal Christmas. “But just because other people celebrate it for the wrong reasons doesn’t mean I have to.” 

 

“Even said it’s sad that I don’t celebrate.” 

 

“Is Even a friend of yours?” Isak nodded.

 

“Maybe you can meet him next year.” A year should be enough time to figure out how they could work. Isak liked the idea of introducing Even to his little Christmas tradition. 

 

“I’d like that.” Yes, Isak thought, me too. 

 

*

 

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were very relaxed and quiet for Isak. He had almost expected that Even would turn up last minute, canceling his plans with his family to be with him. Isak had even thought about how he could tell him in a nice way to fuck off and spend Christmas how he really wants to. But he didn’t show up. 

 

Isak enjoyed the peace and quiet of the ranch over the Christmas days. With no kids’ laughter or screaming or parents talking or cars coming and going. Just Isak, the snow and his horses. He took his time with every task he had to do in the stable and to ride through the snow with his and Julian’s horses. That had been their little tradition and the horses always loved to gallop through the powder snow. 

 

He took all the other horses into the riding hall and let them run and play however they liked. It took him hours both days to get done in the stable but knowing what he planned todo, he enjoyed it even more. He had made up his mind and knew what he had to do with his future. Being alone with the horses almost felt like a goodbye. Even though it would take months to get everything done. 

 

Christmas Day found Isak at his kitchen table, sending out his CV to three hospitals in the city. He also looked for schools to get his new degree as a psychiatrist and emailed four flats he could afford and were close to the hospitals. It made his heart race to know that he had actually sent everything off and that it wasn’t in his hands anymore. He had done everything he could. All that was left was telling his friends that he would leave the ranch, talk to Julian about the future of the ranch, and organize some big goodbye. He owed it to his friends, the kids, the parents and himself. Maybe a nice bbq when it was warm again. 

 

Just the thought of a smaller apartment made Isak excited for his future. Knowing that he would be at the hospital more than in his apartment actually made him happy. The fact that the little time that he would spend at home would be occupied studying for his new degree was what got him to wear a stupid smile for the next couple of days. He was truly ready for his future.

 

*

 

“I thought we were just hanging out, not losing our jobs,” Jonas joked, when the four friends got together at a small cafe in town. The days between Christmas and New Year's were always a bit weird Isak thought. Most stores were closed but you had nothing to do. The next big thing was at the end of the year. Four days away! 

 

“I’m sorry!” Isak threw his hands up. “No, you know what? I’m not sorry. I’m really happy about my decision,” he said on second thought and was met by three smiles. 

 

“See? Isn’t it amazing to do what is best for yourself?” Even grinned. It had been a while to really understand what everyone told him to do. But in the end it was the best thing he could’ve done. 

 

“I don’t even know if I got the job,” Isak said. 

 

“Doesn’t matter. If it doesn’t work out, you will find another hospital. But you are starting to become Happy Isak again. And that’s really nice to see,” Eva told him. Feeling secure in your future and happy about your decisions makes you happy. 

 

“So, what exactly is your plan with the ranch? Sell it like it is? Or give up the horses and everything and just sell the building?” That was a point Isak wasn’t sure about. He would love for someone to just take over. Give the kids the chance to keep doing their sessions and himself the chance to have a place to leave his horse - he would never ever give up Waterloo. No matter how little time he might have, he can’t lose his horse.

 

“I have to see what Julian wants. If he ever replies to my text. Both of our names are on the title. I can’t just sell without him agreeing.” 

 

“He looked so pissed off at his party. Didn’t look like he would ever talk to you again,” Even grimaced. And he was right but Isak thought that Julian didn’t even have a reason to not speak to him. He had simply done what Julian had done. And thinking back it wasn’t the most major thing to do but Julian had cheated and crashed his fest. Isak just crashed a party. He should be allowed to do that.

 

“What did happen at that party? For you two to not be talking for weeks and then being back to besties after a day. Just more touchy-feely,” Eva wanted to know while eating her cookie that came with her hot chocolate. 

 

“Just a misunderstanding.” Isak waved it off. 

 

“In the end, we both wanted the same thing but can’t have it,” Even summed their conversation up.

 

“Yeah, I don’t get it.” Eva shook her head. 

 

“Are you two?” Jonas asked pointing between the two men with his spoon. 

 

“No,” Isak was quick to say. No reason to make this uncomfortable.

 

“We’re not. But we will be.” Or we just tell our deepest secrets, Isak thought looking at Even with raised eyebrows. 

 

“What? We will!” Isak just shook his head. Well then. They would be in a relationship and their friends already knew it.

 

*

 

It’s New Year’s Eve and Isak was looking at himself in the same suit he wore to Julian’s party. This wasn’t the outfit he had planned on wearing. His tight jeans and tighter shirt were still laying on his bed. But as if he had known, Even had texted him just when he had gotten out of the shower reminding him that it was a place to wear a suit. 

 

He still hadn’t told him where they were going, just to be ready at eight - he would pick him up. It was almost time to leave and Isak tried a last attempt to get his hair to cooperate. Which didn’t really work and when Even texted him to come out, he gave up. He expected to find Even’s car not a taxi. 

 

“You let a taxi drive all the way from your flat to mine?” Isak asked instead of greeting him properly. 

 

“Yes? I told you I would pick you up. But I do want to drink, you know?” 

 

“But Even, who will bring me home when we’re both totally drunk?” Isak asked, exaggerating on purpose. 

 

“I want to drink, not get wasted. Don’t worry, I’ll get you home safely.” Smiling, Isak followed Even into the taxi. 

 

“So where are we going?” he asked as soon as the taxi started moving. 

 

“A bar.” Isak gave up. That much he had known ever since Even originally asked. To his surprise, they didn’t drive into the city but to a bar in the suburb that Isak lived in. 

 

“No big thing then?” Isak asked. 

 

“You’d be surprised how many people live here.” Even laughed and Isak wondered how he might know that. 

 

“I’m not a stranger in my own neighborhood, if that’s what you’re saying. We went out a lot.” Isak referred to himself and Julian and it felt good to do that without the bitterness he had felt for so many months. Or at least not as much. 

 

“This bar is new. They opened a couple months ago. I asked Eva. You haven’t been here yet. Didn’t want to take any chance of you ruining your own night because of memories that might come up with Julian. This is a fresh start, okay?” 

 

That was … actually really sweet. Isak was mostly okay with himself and Julian. But he knew that emotions got more intense for him when he was drunk, so having a bar that couldn’t make him cry was actually really good. 

 

“You’re really good at this friend-date thing,” Isak told him and Even smiled back brightly. 

 

“570 Kroner.” The taxi driver looked bored while he waited for the money. Must suck to work on New Year’s with all the drunk people. Isak was already looking for his wallet but Even put his hand over Isak’s. 

 

“I got it.” He handed over his credit card and Isak didn’t fight it. Even’s hand on his felt too good. 

 

“Fine, but I’ll get the first round of drinks.” 

 

The bar was on a smaller street that Isak hadn’t been to before. People in fancy dresses, high heels or some nice shirts were standing outside with their drinks in hand. The loud music hinted to a open mic night. This should be a fun night. 

 

*

 

The dark room was only lit by red, green and blue party lights dancing wildly around. The only karaoke songs for the first hour were fast songs and Isak used it to dance in the middle of the crowd. He was drunk enough to not care what others thought, limbs flying and the sweat made his hair stick up in funny places. 

 

Even was right behind him, by far not as drunk but dancing with Isak just like he had at the Christmas party. Isak might be starting to like dancing, when it’s with Even. With the song coming to an end, Even bowed his head to scream in Isak’s ear over the loud cheering for the last karaoke singer.

 

“I’m getting something to drink. Do you need something?” Isak shook his head no. His glass of beer was still half full. With a squeeze on Isak’s hip, Even left him to go to the bar. Isak was biting his lip to suppress a big smile just because Even touched him in an intimate way. 

 

“Our next singer is Mari, with Christmas Eve!”said  the emcee for the night and shortly after, the music started up again with Mari singing her heart out. Isak started his dancing again, completely enjoying himself. Even had done a good job with picking out the bar. Had he told him yet? Isak wasn’t sure. But he should! They needed to tell each other the small things to have trust. He turned around too fast and almost collided with a man standing too close to him. His beer was quicker and one second was in the glass and the next on the man's shirt. A man that wasn’t Even. 

 

“Oh I’m so sorry!” Isak cried out. 

 

“It’s alright.” the man said and Isak looked at him with wide eyes. 

 

“But you’re going to stink of beer! And it will be sticky.” Isak knew what he was talking about. 

 

“Whatever! It’s a party. Things happen. I can wash it off.” 

 

“No no no. Let me help, c’mon.” Isak grabbed the stranger’s arm and pulled him towards the bathroom. It was a lot quieter inside and with him being used to the loud music it was almost too quiet. 

 

“I’m Andreas,” the man told him when Isak got some paper tissues wet and started working on the shirt. But it didn’t work. The paper just disintegrated and left little paper pieces all over the shirt.

 

“Shit. It’s not working.” 

 

“Don’t stress about it,” Andreas laughed and Isak gave up. “Are you here alone?” 

 

“No. And I need to find him.” Isak remembered that he wanted to tell Even something. 

 

“Your boyfriend?” 

 

“Don’t have one,” Isak said sadly. “But I will soon! Really sorry about your shirt!” He grabbed his beer from the counter over the sink and left the bathroom to find Even. But his friend found him before he could get too far.

 

“Did you just go to the bathroom with a guy?” Even looked angry? Sad? Isak couldn’t really tell. 

 

“Yes! Andreas. I got beer all over him. He’s nice!” Isak told him.

 

“I’m sure he is.” Oh, that was Even’s angry face. 

 

“I wanted to tell you something! This bar is amazing! You are so good at picking out bars!” Maybe that would cheer him up. 

 

“Ah,” was all that Even had to say. “C’mon we’re gonna drink some water before even more guys are  _ nice _ .” 

 

“But my beer!” Isak wasn’t ready to let go of his beer. 

 

“Drink it and then some water.” Even was getting grumpy and Isak didn’t like it. 

 

“No! You can drink water and be in a bad mood. But I will have fun.” And with that Isak turned around and disappeared in the crowd to dance some more. Didn’t take long for hands to find Isak’s waist. But they weren’t Even’s. Isak knew Even’s hands. 

 

“Did you find him?” Oh. Andreas. Isak took a step forward to get his hands off him and turned around. 

 

“Yes. He’s at the bar.” 

 

“How about some karaoke?” Andres smiled. Isak furrowed his eyebrows. Singing? In front of strangers? “C’mon, they let us sing slow songs now and I love ‘Power of Love’.” 

 

Isak shook his head no. He started liking dancing but he really didn’t want to sing. 

 

“You go sing! I’ll be watching,” Isak smiled. 

 

“It’s a love song! I can’t sing it on my own!” Andreas tried to hold Isak’s hand but he took another step back. Maybe Andreas was too nice. 

 

“C’mon stranger. You don’t have a boyfriend you could make jealous.” Well, no. But he had an Even and he would much rather drink water with his Even than sing love songs with Andreas. 

 

“I don’t want to sing love songs with you,” hHe told him and took another step back. Only that he hadn’t looked where he was going and stumbled into a body. Hands found his waist to support him and this time they were the right hands. 

 

“How about dancing to a love song?” Even asked. Isak looked up at him. Even had his eyes fixed on Andreas with a hard stare. But his hands on Isak’s waist were gentle and soft. 

 

“Yes!” Isak exclaimed and turned around in Even’s arms. 

 

“And who are you?” Andreas asked Even with his arms crossed in front of his chest. 

 

“The guy he actually wants to be with.” Andreas looked over to Isak, who had rested his head on Even’s shoulder. 

 

“He’s my Even,” he said and started swaying to some music that was playing while everyone waited for the next karaoke singer. Isak didn’t see what was going on, he had closed his eyes, but when Even hugged him close, he was sure that Andreas was gone. 

 

“I really want to do the right thing, Isak. But you make it really hard.” Evens lips were next to Isak’s ear and the feel of it made Isak shiver slightly. 

 

“Sorry?” Isak tried. He didn’t know what Even meant.

 

“It’s not even your fault. You’re just … nice and yourself and I’m not the only one who likes that. And I don’t even have the right to be jealous or tell you off or get protective. We talked about it and we’re not in a relationship. But it’s hard to see you with another man.” All of that was whispered into Isak’s ear. 

 

“I wouldn’t go home with another man,” Isak promised. 

 

“But you could! Forgetting about Julian and how you feel about relationships. Theoretically, you could. That makes it harder to see you with others.”

 

“I’d rather drink water all night with you, or spend my hungover New Year’s Day helping you clean up the mess of some party, or just sit on some bench and talk than go home with someone. I meant it when I said that I want a relationship with you. If you’re not ready, I’ll wait. I know that you feel the same about me. Me being with someone else would kill you just as much as it would kill me if you started dating someone else.” Isak leaned back a bit to look Even in the eyes. 

 

“I’m not stupid. I wouldn’t risk whatever we have for some guy I don’t know. Even, I need you in my life and not as some stranger.” Alcohol really got all the emotions out of him. “I don’t want to stop talking to you because of something stupid like that and then hear your laugh years later at some party or something and feel shit because I lost you.” 

 

“Wow. Weren’t you the one that wasn’t good with words?” Even smiled and fixed Isak’s messy hair. 

 

“I’m drunk.” Was the only explanation needed. 

 

“Grab your loved ones, it’s almost midnight!” The emcee called into the mic, making the announcement echo from the walls. 

 

“Do you think we could be in a … casual relationship?” Even asked holding Isak’s gaze. 

 

“Ten!”

 

“What does that mean?” Isak asked. 

 

“Nine!”

 

“That we are taking it slow. Really slow!” Even specifies. 

 

“Eight!”

 

“No sleepovers?” Isak grinned. 

 

“Seven!”

 

“No sleepovers. But a bit of this.” Even intertwined their hands. 

 

“Six!” 

 

“That’s nice.” Isak smiled and squeezed Even’s hand. 

 

“Five!”

 

“And a bit of this.” One of Even’s hands found its way to Isak’s cheek to gently caress his skin. 

 

“Four!”

 

“Very nice.” Isak closed his eyes at the touch. 

 

“Three!”

 

“Isak? Will you be my New Year’s kiss?” Even asked. 

 

“Two!” 

 

A big smile made its way to Isak’s face and he nodded. He raised his free hand to play with the longer hair on Even’s neck. The one still intertwined with Even’s, by their side. 

 

“One!”

 

“Happy New Year!” With a loud bang, confetti bombs started everywhere in the room and people started lighting sparklers. “Auld Lang Syne” blasted through the speakers. But Isak and Even were in their own little bubble. 

 

It was a nice kiss. Even’s bigger lips on Isak’s thinner ones. Kissing him with just the right amount of pressure. Isak started moving his lips against Even’s and the older man didn’t miss a beat to follow. Isak squeezed Even's hand. 

 

Leaving it innocent, they broke the kiss after a couple seconds. Confetti was still raining from the ceiling, landing in Even’s big styled hair. Laughing, Isak tried getting it out but gave up. 

 

“I think I will like this casual relationship,” Isak told him and Even smiled brightly at him, kissing him quickly. 

 

“Do you want to go outside? See the fireworks?” Isak nodded and hand in hand they left the bar. 

 

“By the way, we’re the only ones wearing suits.” It had been something Isak had been noticing all night. Even had lied.

 

“I know,” Even shrugged, “but I love seeing you in one.” Isak laughed happily and squeezed Even’s hand on their search for a free spot to watch the fireworks that announced the year 2018. A happier year for sure. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow it´s been forever ... but it´s finally done! Here´s the last chapter. With a tiny spoiler for 'the shape of water' but I think what I´m talking about isn´t anything new for anyone. Enjoy! xx

*Forgiveness* 

  
  
  


Isak loved New Year’s Day. He was up early - like every New Year’s Day for the last couple years because of the horses - but the first morning of the new year always felt extra  _ new _ . Everyone was still asleep or nursing their hangovers. The city was a mess of bottles, fireworks and rubbish. It was the one day in the year that made Isak feel inspired. The first morning of 2018 was no different. He had more to do, because every year he gave everyone else the day off. But it was good to work a lot in peace, on this inspirational day. He could really think and reflect on his life. 

 

He knew what he wanted this year. Isak also knew how he would get it. The job applications had been sent out, he had written to some flats in the area to see if he could look at them and he had applied for his side studies. The only thing he still hadn't done was talk to Julian about the future of the ranch. It was something he was dreading. He knew that the two of them would never go back to how they were and the discussion about the future of a property that belonged to both of them wouldn’t be easy or fun or quickly done. 

 

The two of them had been together for so many years and Isak knew how the other man worked. Maybe not as much as he had thought - he would’ve seen the cheating coming otherwise - but he knew that Julian was actually mad at him for just turning up to his Christmas Party  _ and  _ showing off his new boyfriend. It wouldn’t be easy to make him listen or even return a call. Ever since he can remember, he’s hated making business calls. When he was still in high school, he didn’t even like to call his doctor to make an appointment. For weeks he’d postpone it, until someone made him do it. He put Julian in the same category as business calls. In some cases he still behaved the same. So of course his instinct was to put Julian on his imaginary to-do list and go on with his day. 

 

He had spent the morning with his own horse, taking a long ride through the town to watch the city wake up. That was something he only did on New Year's Day. On every other day it was way too busy and not very relaxing for him or his horse. Feeling a bit cold but happy about his morning activities, he got back to the ranch; got Waterloo ready to go graze with the others and cleaned the stable before taking a shower. When he was a teen, New Year’s Day was mostly spent in bed with a hangover and some regrets from the night before. But now, as the adult that he was, he had made time to see all his friends for brunch. To see  _ Even  _ again. They hadn´t spent the night together, as much as Isak would´ve liked that, but Even had brought him home and promised to see him the next day. 

 

*

 

_ People were still cheering on the streets, some fireworks still bright in the sky. Different colours danced over Even´s skin. Isak was cuddled up to him in the back of a taxi, looking up at him with soft eyes. Now that he was allowed, he made good use of it. They didn't talk during the drive, just happy being together and enjoying the moment. Isak couldn't really wrap his head around the fact that he actually got to end the old disastrous year, with this gorgeous man by his side. How was Even willing to spend even more time in a more intimate way with him, after he saw every aspect of Isak´s fucked up life? How was he willing to work with Isak´s trust issues? Isak didn't understand it, but was happy that he did.  _

 

_ “That will be 580 Kroner.” The taxi driver pulled them out of their bubble.  _

_   
_ _ “Oh, no! It's just him. I´m going to another address,” Even told the taxi driver, leaving his arm around Isak´s shoulder.  _

 

_ “Really? No sleepover?” Isak asked. He knew what Even had said about taking it slow. But it was New Year’s. They had just discussed their feelings. Isak didn't want to have sex with Even. Not tonight. But sleeping next to a warm body would be a nice change.  _

 

_ “No sleepover. Just a bit of this.” Even´s arm left Isak´s shoulder, to hold both of his hands. “And a bit of this.” He leaned forward to capture Isak´s lips with his own. Softly, they moved together, a bit more sure about the kiss than the first one, still trying to figure out what the other one liked. “Remember?”  _

 

_ Isak nodded. His hands still in Even´s, he raised his chin to ask silently for another kiss. Even smiled at him before granting him his wish.  _

 

_ “I'll see you tomorrow then?” Isak asked, lips close enough to Even’s that he brushed them while speaking. _

 

_ “Yes. 12.00 for brunch with our friends. Want me to pick you up?” Isak shook his head no.  _

 

_ “It's okay. I don't know how long it will take to get the ranch ready.” Work usually for two was going to be work for one tomorrow. Not ideal, but Isak wasn't about to complain. He was happy with his life right now.  _

 

_ “Want me to come over to help?” Again, Isak shook his head.  _

 

_ “I’ll be distracted. It'll be quicker if I just do it myself and meet you at the café.”  _

 

_ “Fine. But if you change your mind, you text me. Or call, I don´t care. I´ve been here long enough, I know what to do.” Isak nodded. He knew that. And even if Even wouldn't have known a thing about what Isak was doing everyday, he would still come to help. Isak knew that too.  _

 

_ “I don't want to interrupt, but I have other clients tonight.” The taxi driver looked at them through the mirror.  _

 

_ “Sorry!” Isak apologized and freed his hands. “See you tomorrow.” With a quick kiss to Even´s lips, he opened his door. With one foot on the street, he got pulled back by his arm and Even’s lips crashed into his again.  _

 

_ “Tomorrow.” _

 

*

 

The café where they had agreed to meet was busy with families and other people who had the same idea. Isak was the last to arrive but that wasn’t surprising. He had known that he would be late with all he had to do on the ranch. His friends had already ordered drinks and someone had ordered him a coffee - at least there was one standing in front of the only empty seat. 

 

“Hey!” he greeting everyone and sat down, getting rid of his jacket by hanging it over his chair. 

 

“Hi.” Even smiled brightly at him, in a way that he doesn’t smile at anyone else. They hadn’t talked about telling their friends or when or how. But Even was so focused on Isak, looking at him like he was the sun and only important thing in his life, that he didn’t really care about anyone else. So of course, when Even leaned in for a quick hi-I-missed-you kiss he didn’t turn his head but smiled into it and happily kissed back. 

 

“So … I guess you two had a good New Year’s?” Eva grinned. Isak bit down on his bottom lip and looked at Even who was looking proud of himself. 

 

“It was okay.” Isak shrugged.

 

“Okay?” Magnus exclaimed. “This is a big deal, Isak!” He waved his hand between the new couple. Okay, maybe Magnus was right and it was a big deal for Isak. Like he said before, he wouldn’t have thought that he’d end up with another guy not even a year after his break up. 

 

“Okay, yes. We’re dating, we’re taking it slow, we’re happy. Can we not talk about us?” Isak said grumpily. It wasn’t that he was in a bad mood, but he didn’t really like being the center of attention. He felt Even’s hand resting on his thigh and intertwined their hands. 

 

“All right. Well, I’m happy for you two,” Jonas said and immediately changed the subject. “Do you know how long we have to find new jobs?” 

 

“Wouldn’t hurt to start now,” Isak said and reached for his coffee. “I’ve sent out applications and as soon as everything is sorted, I’m taking a new job.” 

 

“Are you going to sell?” Magnus asked confused. He wasn’t up to date with everything as he wasn’t on the ranch everyday. 

 

“I don’t know. It doesn't belong to just me, so I have to see what Julian wants to do. I’m just not very keen on meeting with him.” 

 

“Of course, you’re not. I wouldn’t want him in my life after what he did,” Eva said. 

 

“You should meet with him,” Magnus said. Eva looked at him like he was crazy. 

 

“You do know the story behind their breakup, right?” It was a theoretical question and Isak had to grin a bit. He was really fucking lucky to have friends that had his back.

 

“And you do know that the same thing happened to me?” Magnus shot back. “I’m just saying that Julian will be a part of your life as long as you’re not over him.” 

 

“I’m over him.” Isak furrowed his brows. “Obviously, I don’t want him in my life anymore.” He felt Even squeeze his hand. “I don’t even see him on a regular basis and he drives me crazy.” 

 

“But that’s just it!” Magnus insisted. “By trying to keep him out of your life, you’re keeping him in it.” Isak was confused and it must’ve shown on his face because Magnus started to explain what he meant. “Julian will be a part of your life because you give him the power to annoy you or ‘drive you crazy’.” He made quotation marks in the air. “You need to forgive him, be completely done with him. When you think about him you shouldn’t  feel anything else but … well, peace.” 

 

“I’m sorry,” Jonas started. “But how do you forgive someone that cheated on you more than once and acts like a total asshole afterwards?” 

 

“I never said it’s easy!” Magnus defended himself.

 

“How did you do it?” Isak wanted to know. What Magnus was saying did make sense, in a way.  

 

“At some point I started to accept her actions for what they were. And that we would never have had a happy relationship when she wasn’t happy in it. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have cheated. I think it would’ve been easier to do if we could’ve talked it all out, but well … that didn’t happen.” 

 

“Maybe I’ll call him,” Isak said. What Magnus said sounded reasonable. 

“Didn’t you delete his number?” Even wanted to know and Isak nodded.

 

“Yeah, but he’s had  the same number since … I don’t know, at least since I’ve known him. His number is burned in my brain.” 

 

“Do you want me to come with you when you two meet?” Even asked.

 

“I really don’t think it’s a good idea to bring my boyfriend to meet with my ex-boyfriend.” 

 

“You did it before.” Jonas shrugged. 

 

“Because I wanted to have my revenge. Not because I wanted to actually talk to him. I’m not even sure if he’s going to talk to me.” 

 

“If he doesn’t, you can just hire a lawyer and let them handle Julian.” Eva shrugged. 

 

“You’re really helpful, Eva.” Isak looked at her with a sarcastic look on his face.

 

“I do my best.”

 

*

 

“Telling our friends went well,” Even said after their brunch date. He had followed Isak home in his car to spend some more time with his boyfriend. 

 

“I don’t know why dating someone is such a big deal for everyone. It was JulianAndIsak and now it’s EvenAndIsak. What’s the difference?” Isak unlocked the door and went straight to the couch after taking off his jacket and shoes. 

 

“I would hope there’s a difference.” Even had gone to the kitchen to get them both a glass of water before sitting next to Isak. 

 

“It’s dating.” 

 

“Yes, well I don’t plan on cheating on you. Ever. That’s a big difference.” 

 

“Don’t make a promise like that when you can’t keep it,” Isak mumbled. His trust issues were back.

 

“I can.” Even put his arm around Isak’s shoulder and pulled him close. Isak rested his head on Even’s shoulder. “Magnus was right. You only cheat when you’re not 100% happy in your relationship. I can promise you that I will tell you when something is bothering me or I am not happy. We can find a solution and I won’t cheat.” 

 

“I’m sure Julian said the same thing at one point,” Isak mumbled into Even’s shoulder. “I’m not saying that you’re going to cheat … just that you can’t know for sure.” 

 

“How about I promise that I will be open with you and tell you when something is bothering me. And the same goes for you. No promises about not cheating. Does that make you feel better?” Even had started playing with Isak’s hair. 

 

“Yeah, a bit. Julian really ruined my trust in people,” Isak said sadly. 

 

“He didn’t ruin you. You just need to learn that not every guy out there is a cheating asshole.” Even kissed Isak’s head. “By the way, do you know what you want to do about Julian?” 

 

“What I want is to forget him. But I guess Magnus is right. He will be in my life for as long as I’m not really done with him. I’m going to call him tomorrow.” Isak cuddled closer to his boyfriend, enjoying the time. Tomorrow meant he still had hours before he had to deal with Julian. 

 

“It’s like making an doctor’s appointment. You don’t want to, but once you´ve done it you feel good.” 

 

“I hate being an adult, you know?” Isak´s life really was easier when his parents were still in love, together, Isak didn’t know what love or boyfriends were, and everyone took care of everything for him. 

 

“You hate a lot of things, babe. But being an adult isn’t half as bad as you make it sound.”

 

“Debatable.” They were interrupted by the ringing of Even’s phone. He shifted a bit to reach it in his jean’s pocket and accepted the call. 

 

“Hi, Marianne.” Isak knew that Marianne was something like Even’s agent and left the warm space next to his boyfriend to let him do his work in peace. Instead, he went to his jacket to get his own phone and opened a new text, only to stare at the screen. If he sent this text, everything he wanted for his future was really happening. Sure, he had applied for jobs and apartments but nothing’s come of that so far. But if he met with Julian, that would mean that they’ll find a solution and the ranch wouldn’t be Isak’s home anymore. 

 

Isak was mad at Julian for cheating and turning him into this untrusting version of himself. But that wasn’t the only reason why he didn’t want to meet him. Meeting with him meant that his future would really start and that was - as much as Isak wanted it - something that scared him. But of course his friends were right. He needed to be done with Julian, accept that he was an adult, and act accordingly. Quickly, before he could find a new excuse, he typed a text to Julian.

 

_ Hey Julian. I’m going to move out of the ranch and go back to the hospital. We need to talk about what to do with the ranch. I don’t want to keep it. Can we meet in the next couple of days and talk about it ? Isak  _

 

He read through it once again to make sure it was friendly enough. Magnus was right, after all. He needed to face Julian and make sure he's done with him for real. If he needed to spend a couple hours with a cheating asshole to get a happy life with his boyfriend, then so be it. 

 

*

 

It took Julian three days to answer but when he finally did, it was actually an answer that didn’t make Isak want to punch him. 

 

_ Carlo’s Bakery at 5pm?  _

 

Isak sent back a thumbs up and continued with reading his emails. He didn’t feel like riding today and had asked Eva to let Waterloo run in the hall after the sessions of the day. Jonas was cleaning the stables and Even busy in the office. Isak had taken the day to organize what he would need in the hopefully immediate future: references from his past jobs, handwritten descriptions about his work at the moment, all kind of documents he would need to rent a new place. 

 

Now that he was so close to starting this new chapter, he wanted to finally begin it. His friends and boyfriend wanted to help as much as possible and gave him the time he needed to figure everything out. That’s why it wouldn’t be a problem to meet with Julian this afternoon. 

 

Just when he was ready to call it a day and close his laptop, a new email popped up. Isak’s eyes went wide when he saw who sent it. Dr. Petterson. With shaking fingers, he clicked on the email and started to read. 

 

_ Isak! _

_ Brit was telling me about you applying for a job in our hospital. I would love to have you back on the team but we do have to follow the hospital’s guidelines when it comes to new employees and have a job interview before you sign a contract. When would you be free to do so?  _

 

_ Dr. Petterson _

 

Isak hadn’t even thought about contacting his tutor about a job. He hadn’t even thought that Dr. Petterson still knew his name. Of course, Isak had spent many years working and learning under Dr. Petterson's supervision, but a lot of people did. Thank god his wife, Brit who works in Accounting, remembered his name. This email basically meant that Isak had a job. Isak was sure that this job interview would be more catching up than talking about his grades and experience. Happy with himself, he answered Dr. Petterson with the upcoming days he could come to the hospital and closed his laptop. 

 

He sat there for a while just smiling at nothing, thinking about how good his life was right now. That was how Even found him, with his laptop bag over his shoulder and his jacket already on. He came over to kiss Isak’s neck, putting his arms around the younger man. 

 

“Just colleagues during office hours, remember?” Isak told him, but put his hands over Even’s anyway. He just had to touch him when he was close. It was like second nature and happened on reflex. They had made the colleagues rule on their first day back at work. Otherwise, Isak was worried that he wouldn’t get any work done - constantly distracted by Even. 

 

“I’m done for the day. Since you don’t want new clients, there isn’t all that much to do.” Isak rested his head against Even’s stomach. 

 

“Are you leaving?” Isak asked once he’d realize that Even was wearing his jacket. 

 

“Yeah, I have a meeting with a client to talk about the new film, what they want in editing and stuff. Shouldn’t be longer than two hours. Want me to come back afterwards? Or you can come to mine?” In all the time they’ve been friends, Isak hadn’t once been to Even’s. It had always been easier to just spend time at the one place where both worked anyway. 

 

“I could come by tonight? I’m meeting Julian later this afternoon.” 

 

“Is that the reason for your happy smile?” Even asked and Isak knew without looking that he was furrowing his brows. 

 

“No, I basically have a new job. My old tutor emailed me today that he would love to have me back on the team.” The grin was back and Even kissed whatever he could reach. 

 

“That’s amazing! He just offered you a job?” 

 

“Well, no. His wife works in Accounting and she must’ve read my application and told him about it. Dr. Petterson said we would still need to have an official job interview but I’m pretty sure that I have a job.” It was amazing how Isak’s life just somehow … worked out. 

 

“I’m really happy for you.” Even tilted Isak’s head up with a finger under his chin to kiss him proper on the lips. “How about I cook us something nice tonight as an early celebration?” 

 

“Our first date?” Isak grinned, still looking up at his boyfriend who simply nodded. “Okay, sounds nice.” 

 

“Cool, I’ll send you my address and you can just come by whenever. Don’t have too much fun with Julian!” One, two, three more kisses and Even left to meet his client. Isak himself would’ve liked a distraction but he had given all the jobs for the day to his friends. Maybe he could go for a run. As much as he wanted to get the meeting with Julian over with, it wasn’t anything more than that - he simply wanted to get it done. The time that Isak felt absolute hate towards the other man or wanted his revenge was long gone. But he still wasn’t at the point where he was able to just casually meet with his ex. 

 

After staring at his closed laptop for a bit longer, he decided to do what he always did when it came to Julian. He changed into his workout clothes and went for a run. The air was cold and within minutes, Isak´s lungs felt like they were frozen. He was too used to running with his mouth open and hadn’t thought about using something to cover his mouth. But he quite liked the burn in his lungs. It made him concentrate on something other than his afternoon plans. The snow under his shoes crunched with every step. He was breathing loudly. His ears felt numb from the cold. But he was feeling a lot better than if he had stayed at home. 

 

*

 

Carlo’s Bakery was a little café in the small suburb where they had the ranch. Back when they were a couple, they used to have a late breakfast there, on the days they could afford it. The young girl working behind the counter had been working there for little over three years and knew Isak and Julian. She probably didn’t know about their breakup. 

 

“Isak! Hey, I was wondering when you’d come by again. Haven’t seen you in forever. But your hubby is here already.” She pointed over to one of the tables. Julian was already there with his cup of coffee and looking at his phone. 

 

“Thanks,” Isak told her with a tight smile and went over to his ex without giving an order. 

 

“Hey.” Isak was just as cold as he felt towards the man opposite him. 

 

“Do you have the papers?” was the first thing Julian asked. Isak raised his eyebrows at him and folded his arms across his chest. 

 

“That's it? This is just a business meeting?” he wanted to know. Yes, he didn’t look forward to this meeting but he needed more of a real talk to get over him. Right now, he simply was pissed off. 

 

“What else would it be? I’m pretty sure you’re not keen on a friendship and you obviously have a new boyfriend.” So what? Julian was just giving up? Letting Isak win all this? 

 

“I don’t have any papers. You haven’t told me what you want to do with the ranch. How was I supposed to know which papers to bring?” This meeting was already going to hell. 

 

“I don’t want it.” Julian shrugged. 

 

“You don’t?” Isak couldn’t hide how surprised he was by this answer. 

 

“No.”

 

“But it was your dream! I never wanted any of this. I came with you because it was your dream. How can you not want the ranch?” Isak exclaimed. 

 

“Because it’s too much work. I can’t do it on my own, okay?” Julian was getting louder as well. 

 

“What else would you do? You’re a therapist.” 

 

“I work in a different stable now. They needed someone for three days a week.” What an ass. He knew that he never wanted to be part of this life again. That he wasn’t planning on working on the ranch ever again. Couldn’t he have told him that?!

 

“I’m so glad you cheated on me,” Isak told him. “I’m starting to wonder how we ever were able to have a happy relationship for that long.” 

 

“Happy relationship?” Julian laughed. “How was it happy when I ended up cheating?” Isak clenched his fists to not throw some punches. 

 

“You´re the one that wasn’t happy. You should’ve told me and we could’ve had a normal break up that wouldn’t have left me fucked up for future relationships. But no - you had to destroy what we had and made sure I had a hard ass time for my future life.” 

 

“Don’t you have a boyfriend you can go cry to?” His emotions just went wild with this guy. And not in a good way. Forget what Isak said, he did still hate this guy. 

 

“Okay, you’re obviously not ready to talk like the adults we are,” Isak said and got up to put his jacket back on. “I’ll get the papers and we can meet again for the signature.” Without a goodbye Isak left the café, fists still clenched. His car was parked around the corner and he was quick to get back there and sit in the cold vehicle. He could see his breath and started the car to get some warmth. Opposite him was another café and Isak could see a couple sitting right at the window, laughing, holding hands and looking so damn in love. Isak felt something like jealousy rising. They probably had never been cheated on. They don’t have the trust issues Isak was having, constant fear that his partner would just leave. They don’t feel the heartbreak, anger and sadness whenever presented with his ex. No, this couple was happily in love without a care in the world. 

 

But Isak had something close enough - he had Even. Even who was cooking him dinner and waiting for him after the long day they both had, to celebrate  _ Isak _ . He had found someone  _ good _ . With a small smile he pulled his phone out of his pocket to text his boyfriend.

 

_ Done with Julian. Can I come over?  _

 

He didn’t have to wait long for an answer.

 

_ Come whenever! I can start on dinner now. Xx _

 

_ * _

 

Even had a really small apartement. For some reason Isak had expected something big, white, clean. Somewhere that Even’s creativity could grow and he would get inspired all day long. But when Even opened the door it was to a small hall that was packed with jackets and shoes. He didn’t even seem to care, simply told Isak to put his shoes and jacket with all the others and led him into the kitchen - a kitchen where two people was one person too many. Thankfully, he also had a living room with a big enough couch were they would eat. For now, Even was cooking something that smelled delicious, while Isak was on the counter to be out of Even’s way. 

 

“So, how was it? Did you have fun?” Even grinned, knowing that Isak would´ve turned up in a better mood if he’d had fun. 

 

“He’s a childish idiot. Julian already has a new job and never thought to tell me about it. I could’ve sold the ranch months ago.” Isak furrowed his eyebrows, still mad at Julian.

 

“You didn’t even know that you wanted something different months ago. And you two weren’t on speaking terms.” Even didn’t look at Isak but the younger one knew that he had this look in his eyes that Even got whenever he knew that he was right.

 

“So? It’s about the possibility that I could have sold it.” 

 

“Right. Sorry.” 

 

“And then he told me to go cry to my boyfriend when I told him that I’m glad he cheated because I never would’ve wanted to be in a relationship with the guy he turned into.” 

 

“He did?” That seemed to be the part of Isak’s story that made Even mad, or at least lose his positive attitude towards Julian. Isak nodded. 

“Yeah, he’s a dick,” Even continued. “But I do have to say that you were right to tell him that it’s good he cheated.”

 

“Is it? Because I’m pretty sure we would have had a happier relationship if it wasn’t for that.” Isak looked down until he saw Even’s legs between his own. 

 

“Hey.” Even was really close now and Isak only looked up because that’s what Even did to him. “Of course it wasn’t the best way to end your relationship. And I hate him for making you doubt me or anyone really. But if he didn’t cheat, you would never have needed someone to work in your office. One of you two would’ve just told me to go somewhere else for my therapy and that would’ve been it. But with him cheating? I get to be a part of your life now. Being friends was amazing but that you’re now my boyfriend is even better. I’m actually thankful for that, you know? Might need to send Julian a Thank You card.” 

 

Isak smiled and put both his hands around Even’s neck to pull him towards him. He gently kissed his lips, showering him with the love he felt for the other man. Even reacted immediately and squeezed Isak’s hips, leaning more into it to deepen the kiss. Breaking away, Isak rested his forehead against Even’s. 

 

“Don’t send him a card,” he whispered. “You’d just provoke him.” He had to laugh a little, thinking about the face Julian would make reading that card ‘Thank you for cheating. I’m very happy with your ex’. 

 

“Fine. But I still think you can be grateful in some ways for what happened.” Even shrugged and pulled away to go back to his cooking before it burned. Isak watched him with a smile. It was weird thinking about how he got so lucky to have this amazing man by his side, who would celebrate just the fact that he got an job interview. He felt warmth spread through him just looking at Even. 

 

“I am grateful that I got you.” 

 

Later that night they were sitting next to each other on Even’s couch eating his pasta creation. 

 

“How was the meeting with your client?” Isak wanted to know and ate his last forkful of pasta. Relaxing back into the couch, he looked at Even waiting for an answer. 

 

“Good. He wants some kind of horse race movie. I’m not too sure about the plot but I’m just happy to have some work,” Even grinned. Isak wasn’t sure if it was an actual happy smile. He thought that Even was making good money with his editing. Maybe he was struggling more than he let on. Money issues though wasn’t something Isak wanted to discuss. Not his own and not others. 

 

“Actually he’s invited me to watch a race in Oslo to get a feeling for the atmosphere. That way it will be easier for me to get that across in the movie. Do you want to come along?” Even was done eating as well and relaxed back into the couch. 

 

“Will you be working there?” Isak asked and went willingly when Even motioned to him to cuddle into him. 

 

“Yeah, I don’t know if it will be the whole time but he wants to show me the important stuff, how he thinks things should be filmed and so on.” Even had started carding through Isak’s hair and the blonde man closed his eyes. 

 

“Isn’t that the job of the camera man?” Isak asked quietly. 

 

“Sure. But editing can do a lot for a movie. I can make it really boring or let the viewer feel the stress of the last few meters before the finish line.” 

 

“I guess that’s true. Can I bring Jonas and Eva? Of course, I want to spend time with you but I don’t want to be on my own all day.” Isak looked up at Even, who nodded and leaned down to kiss him on the lips Spider-Man style. 

 

*

 

As soon as Isak walked into the hospital on the next Wednesday, he felt at home. It was calming to him to see the clean walls and smell of disinfection spray. This was his life and the job he had chosen first and would always choose. He could already see Dr. Petterson standing at the reception desk, talking to a nurse. 

 

His former chief looked up when Isak got closer and said something to the nurse before turning to Isak and greeting him with a big smile. 

 

“Isak! It’s so good to see you. How have you been?” he asked. It was nice that Dr. Petterson was still so happy to see his former students. They went through a rollercoaster of emotions during their intern years and that really made them grow together. 

 

”I’m alright. It’s really good to see you.” They shook hands and Dr. Petterson motioned to follow him to his office. 

 

“It was really lucky that Brit told me about your application. Of course someone would’ve read it and might even have asked you to come in, but me knowing how you work and how you fit in the team makes the whole thing a lot easier for everyone.” Isak was just glad to even be here. No matter who invited him. 

 

“I’m really hoping that I can start working here again. It would help me big time,” Isak said. That’s not what he would’ve normally said in an interview situation but he knew Dr. Petterson. He could talk freely to him. Over the years, the older man had been on the receiving end of Isak’s worries far more often than Isak would’ve liked. 

 

“What happened to your new job? The one you quit the hospital for? Something with horses, wasn’t it?” They had reached the office and Isak sat down in a chair he remembered. Dr. Petterson sat in his own, behind the desk. 

 

“I’m a hippotherapist. I work with disabled kids, mostly physically disabled. It’s fun and it’s great to be part of their happy moments during the week. They’ve taught me a lot about what really matters in life. And I actually learned to love horse riding. I can’t imagine my life without it, now.”

 

“You seem to like your job?” Dr. Petterson asked with a smile.

 

“I do. But it’s not my first choice and for a while now I’ve been looking for the happiness I lost a while ago. And I know that I can find it here. Working in the hospital, in the job I chose and love.” 

 

“You lost your happiness in your job?”

 

“I lost my happiness.” Isak corrected him. “Me and Julian … we broke up. And after that everything went to shit. I think it took the breakup for me to realize how unhappy I was with the entire situation. Now we’re selling the ranch and I’m trying to find my happiness again.” 

 

“I’m sorry to hear that. I thought you two would make it a long while.” Julian had surprised or picked Isak up at work quite often during the years. Of course, Dr. Petterson knew who Julian was. 

 

“We weren’t happy. Both of us.” It was true. Whomever’s fault Julian cheating was, both of them were unhappy in some way and a breakup would’ve happened no matter what. Isak realized that now. 

 

“I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. Now, we do have some job openings, but none of them are what you’re looking for.” Isak looked down into his lap. Great, they had already found someone else for the job and what? Dr. Petterson just wanted to chat with him? “But I want you back on my team.” With new found hope Isak looked up again. “Of course it’s not my decision to make, I do still have to get the Chief to agree. But consider it a 90% probability, Dr. Valtersen.” Smiling, Dr. Petterson looked at him and Isak had to smile back. God, he was really going to get what he wanted. At least as good as. 

 

“Thank you so much!” 

 

“Of course. I will take care of the Chief and you just wait for your contract to arrive and send it back signed.” This day couldn’t get any better. 

 

*

 

It took longer than expected to get the contract in the mail. January turned to February and only when Isak was getting ready for a date night with Even, did he get an email notification on his phone. He had only one leg in his trousers, but reached for his phone anyway. It had been weeks and Isak knew that he would get the contract or some news from Dr. Petterson. His heart sank for a second, convinced that an email rather than the contract by mail would mean that the Chief didn’t want Isak on the team. With slightly shaky fingers, Isak opened the Gmail app and opened the email that was - in fact - send by Dr. Petterson. 

 

_ Isak! Sorry for the long wait. But I’m glad to say that I got the approval from our Chief. You are a part of our team again! The contract will be sent to you shortly. I can already tell you that you will start in April. You should have enough time to sell the ranch. If it's too early, just call the office and they can change it. See you soon! Dr. Petterson _

 

Isak might have squealed. But nobody heard him so he wouldn’t tell anyone that it had happened. He actually got the job! He would be working in the hospital again. Not only any hospital, but the one he studied in. The one that taught him so much and the one where he already knew the team. He was sure that a lot of his old colleagues were still there, maybe even fellow interns. It was like coming home and he was ready for it. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Even was leaning in the doorway of Isak´s bedroom. It had never been weird for them. Even had started feeling at home at Isak´s at one point and just because they began dating they didn't see a reason to stop. They both were comfortable enough to not care about Even treating this house like his own. Isak looked up when he heard his boyfriend’s voice, still only one leg in his jeans. 

 

“Eh … just an email. I´ll be ready in a second.” he hurried to put his jeans on and actually button up his shirt. For some reason he had stopped halfway. 

 

“I quite enjoy this outfit as well.” Even grinned and Isak rolled his eyes. Of course he would. “Not to be the insecure boyfriend, but whose email was it?” Isak was finally dressed and grabbed his phone and keys, that were still in his jodhpurs. 

 

“From the hospital. I will be officially Dr. Valtersen starting this April.” Talking about it made him smile again and Even’s entire face lit up when he heard the news and went over to Isak to pull him into a tight hug. 

 

“I’m so, so proud of you! I told you everything would be okay, didn´t I?” 

 

“Yeah, you did. You´re the greatest. How about that date now?” Isak was happy about his new job and he was happy that Even was happy for him. But for some reason he couldn’t handle being the center of attention. Not in a case like this, when people were … celebrating him. It made him uncomfortable. He didn’t know how to act or react. And Even knew it. 

 

“You sometimes need to hear that people are proud of you. And I am,” Even whispered, large hands on both sides of Isak´s face, before leaning down to kiss him softly on the lips. “But okay. Let’s go before the movie starts without us.” 

 

“Right. We´re watching the weird movie.” Isak followed Even out of the house, locked the door and got his car keys to drive them to the cinema. 

 

“It’s not weird! It’s a great movie, that is even nominated for an Oscar and tells a beautiful love story,” Even defended this movie.

 

“Yeah, it’s a merman … thing … and a woman. It’s weird.” Isak had seen the trailer after Even had come to him talking excitedly about this new movie that would for sure win an Oscar and that he needed to see. The trailer had looked like The Little Mermaid for adults but he didn’t want to say no to Even, so now he was on his way to the cinema to watch one of the weirdest movies. 

 

“You just need to watch it with an open mind,” Even promised and Isak nodded, not convinced. It was already quite dark, the sun setting later and later but 8pm was still a time for absolute darkness in Norway. Of course, it also started raining when they had almost reached the cinema. But Even’s hand in his made him smile and he didn’t even care about the shitty weather. He knew he still had an umbrella somewhere in the car.

 

They were two of only a few people there to see the movie. Maybe it was just as weird as Isak thought. The cinema was still almost empty when they sat down five minutes before the movie would start. With his popcorn and a coke, Isak got comfortable and as soon as the lights were out, he cuddled a bit closer to Even. That's what cinemas are for, right? Even when you aren't 18 anymore. Couples should live out their PDA. 

 

But he didn't stay cuddled up to Even for long. The movie was alright, but with every scene it got weirder and Isak found himself sitting upright, eating his popcorn without really noticing what he was doing, and watching the movie. Even definitely noticed how focused Isak was, if his wide grin with shiny eyes after the movie were any indicator. 

 

“So? What did you think?” Isak chewed on his last pieces of popcorn and thinking about what he just watched. 

 

“She fucked a fish.” was what he came up with. That might have been the part where the movie turned from alright to weird. 

 

“You missed the point babe! The movie shows how love is love and how we all need love in our lives.” 

 

“Yeah, she still fucked a fish. I told you it's a weird movie.” 

 

“It’s a romance, Is. She felt like an outsider because she was mute, but with him she could be herself.” Even seemed desperate to make Isak understand why the movie wasn't weird. 

 

“How is it a he? It's a fish or … something. And how did they … does his little merman just pop out when he needs it?” The cinema was empty apart from them, the couple that was still discussing fish sex. Even noticed and got up to leave, and let the teenage boy, who was waiting with a broom, do his job. 

 

“The movie was almost two hours long. How is the sex the only thing you remember? And why is it important how they did it? They loved each other!” 

 

“It's just weird and where's the logic? Like biologically .. how does he do it?” Isak wondered and threw his empty popcorn bag in the bin. It was still raining outside and Even opened their umbrella again and reached out to intertwine their hands. 

 

“You called him a he,” Even noticed with a smug smile. 

 

“Whatever. And also, how did she peel that egg so perfectly?” Isak went on to the second question in his mind, when it came to the movie. 

 

“How are those the things that are important to you?” 

 

“Fine. What was important to you in that movie?” Isak asked. 

 

“Mostly the romance aspect. We have two outcasts and nobody understands them like the other one does. They finally found someone that is truly kind and sees them for who they are and not their flaws. Of course they don´t mind who it is, they’re just glad to have found true love.” Even rambled on and Isak had the weird feeling that this movie meant more to Even than he could understand. 

 

“How come this means so much to you?” Isak asked. 

 

“I told you, that people tend to see my disorder rather than me. I guess I just understand how they are feeling. You don’t see my bipolar but  _ me _ .” Even shrugged. Isak narrowed his eyes when he looked at his boyfriend. 

 

“Are you calling me the fishthing?” he asked with a small smile. Even if Even was, with how he had just described their relationship he was okay with being the fishthing for Even. 

 

“You´re not slimy or stuff like that. But metaphorically, yes. You are my fishthing.” Even smiled and let go of Isak’s hand to pull him into his side by his shoulder. Isak thought about that for a bit.

 

“I'm glad to be your thing,” he told him. “But I won't have fish sex with you.” Even laughed loudly at that, obviously relieved about Isak’s response to his now open emotions, and pushed him lightly away from him. 

 

“You are the worst.” 

 

*

 

“Would you stop pacing?” Jonas sounded annoyed but he wasn't the one about to sell a big part of his life. He would just sit there, and watch some stranger look at the ranch, someone that would decide over its future, and go home at the end of the day, knowing that he would simply start a new job. But for Isak, a chapter was ending. Of course he did want it to end, but at the same time he was sad and maybe a bit nostalgic, walking over his grounds and checking if everything looked alright for the potential buyer to view. 

 

“Let him pace, he needs it.” Thanks, Eva. Not that Isak would ever admit it. But his friends knew him well enough to know how he felt most times. He didn't need to say anything. It was still early but Isak had also scheduled an apartment viewing appointment for himself this evening, and was only able to get his potential buyer come by earlier in the day. Maybe that wasn't so bad. They did have all the things needed for hippotherapy and whoever would buy might decide to keep doing therapy when they saw how it all worked. It would be good for the kids if they could have this consistency, only the therapists and owners changing. But Isak knew that a lot of his hopes and dreams for the  ranch would probably not fit the buyer. 

 

“I think that's him.” Jonas again. Isak looked up to see a car arrive on the grounds, that for sure wasn't a parent’s car. He knew those. 

 

“Don't you two have a job to do?” Isak asked distracted. “I want to at least try and sell this ranch to someone that can keep the therapy running. At least show them that we actually have clients and that they enjoy it.” 

 

“Where´s Even?” Eva asked. “You´re way nicer and more relaxed when he's around,” she grumbled but got up and grabbed Jonas’ arm to make him follow. Without another word, the two disappeared into the stables, hopefully to get a horse ready. Their next client wouldn’t be here for another 15 minutes and Isak knew that, but he was nervous. And he needed this to work. With one last deep breath, Isak went over to the man who was still standing by his car and looking around. 

 

“Mr. Skrulle?” Isak asked with a smile and extended his hand for the other man to shake. 

 

“Yes, hi. Mr. Valtersen?” Isak nodded. “This all looks quite nice at first glance.”  _ Okay _ , Isak thought,  _ that was a good start.  _

 

“Well, this is only the parking lot and our riding hall. We do have more to see.” Isak grinned and led the way, to show Mr. Skrulle all the other areas, making sure not to leave out all the good points and tell him at least once or twice about the therapy aspect and how they are different from other ranches. 

 

“Have you always only used the ranch for therapy reasons?” Mr. Skrulle asked. Isak nodded. 

 

“We bought the ranch from a private owner, but since then it’s always been used for therapy. We were never a simple riding ranch or into breeding or something.” They had reached the parking lot again, from where you could see the riding hall and Eva giving a session. 

 

“Do you only want to sell to another therapist? Is it your wish for the ranch to stay as it is?” Isak thought it over, looking at Mr. Skrulle. He was an elderly man, probably looking for something to do in his retirement. Isak wasn't sure if he would want to take on another job after he had - most likely - worked for many years. 

 

“I would like for it to stay a therapy ranch, yes. Not for my sake, but the kids look  forward to each session and it helps them a lot. We are one of the few therapy ranches around here. But I´m giving it up and in the end it's up to you what you want to do with it.” Isak shrugged. “If you even want to buy it.” 

 

“I think I do want to buy it. My wife and I are looking for something to do in our retirement. We were thinking about a ranch with a horse for each of us and maybe some cows. But my wife was a school nurse for a long time. She might even enjoy a bit of therapy sessions.” A school nurse?

 

“You need a special education to do the therapy.” Isak said. He also had originally thought that he could simply work on the ranch because he was a doctor.

 

“Oh, we wouldn’t do the sessions. But maybe your therapists would like to keep working here? If we come to an agreement of course.” 

 

_ That would be perfect _ , Isak thought. Eva and Jonas could keep their jobs, the kids wouldn’t need to adjust to new people and Isak knew that the ranch would be in good hands. He might even be able to keep Waterloo at the stable. 

 

“I would need to talk to my therapists, but I’m sure they would like to keep their jobs.” Isak wanted to scream ‘Yes! Buy my ranch!’ into this man’s face, but that probably would make him run rather than sign a contract. 

 

“Of course. I need to talk this over with my wife. How about I call you later in the week?” Mr. Skrulle suggested. Isak agreed and the men shook hands before parting ways. Feeling much better than before his visit, Isak walked over to the riding hall to catch up with parents and watch the session. Now that he might have a buyer for his grounds, he felt the need to savour every moment. 

 

Jonas was standing in the middle of the hall with the longe in his hand. Eva was walking next to the horse and working with Anni. Ms. Sætre was standing outside of the hall. Isak personally liked to include the parents, but he would never try and tell his friends how to do their jobs. 

 

“Are you starteing sessions for adults?” the blonde woman asked him. Isak looked at her in question but then understood that she must mean Mr. Skrulle. Isak shook his head “no”, but didn’t want to tell her the reason Mr. Skrulle had come. He didn’t want to worry anyone before it was a done deal. And with the way things looked at the moment it didn’t seem that the therapy sessions would stop. 

 

“No, I’m sticking with the kiddos,” Isak told her and looked back to Anni to show her that he wouldn’t say more. Technically he wasn’t lying. He was working with kids. Just not here. After a couple of minutes, he left them to get a ride in, between Mr. Skrulle and his own appointment to view an apartment. He only had about three hours time and to get Waterloo ready to ride and then again ready for the paddock plus get a quick shower for himself, he wouldn’t be able to ride for long. 

 

He still took his time getting his horse ready,cuddling him a lot. HIs emotional state was a bit weird, now that the situation’s gotten real. Isak got on Waterloo and started his way into the field on his way to the forest. He wanted a relaxing ride and not a super productive one that would train Waterloo and himself. He could do that later when he had the riding hall to himself. 

 

Isak wasn’t alone, it was too late for that. He met a lot of people on his way, some of them a group of kindergarteners who were very excited about seeing a horse. Isak took his time to let the kids pet Waterloo and ask him any questions they had. It was always the same, no matter with what pet or animal you went outside - kids loved it and wanted to pet it. Not that Isak had anything against it. Why not make the kids happy and let them have something to tell their parents when they got home. 

 

With little time left he galloped back home and hurried to get Waterloo ready and himself in the shower. He didn’t want to view the apartment sweaty and smelling like horse. That probably wouldn’t give him extra points. Jonas and Eva had already left when he was done. All dressed in his best looking trousers, a button up and his hair actually looking okay. He was almost ready for a date. Maybe he should ask Even what he was up to after his appointment. 

 

The apartment was close to the hospital, something Isak was glad about. He remembered the late shifts sitting in the locker room, wishing for someone to carry him home because his everything was hurting from being on his feet all day. Walking down two streets was a lot better than having to take the tram. It was an old looking building with graffiti on the walls but it reminded Isak of the time he had lived in the shared apartment with his college classmates. He rang the bell and was buzzed in immediately. He wasn’t too late, was he?!

 

Isak hurried up the stairs and was greeted by a tall man with a folder in his hands, already smiling at Isak. 

 

“Hi! Isak Valtersen?” Isak nodded and shook the man's outstretched hand. 

 

“Great. Eskild Tryggvason, hopefully your new landlord.” Isak liked the man already and followed him inside. The apartment wasn’t big but enough for Isak. Even to have his friends around sometimes, and having Even around a lot hopefully. There was a bathroom, a living room, a small kitchen and a bedroom. Way smaller than what he had on the ranch, but he was just one person and mostly working anyway. He didn’t need a lot of space. The walls looked like they could use new wallpaper and the kitchen was in a weird green colour that Isak would change, but other than that this was a perfect place to live. 

 

He happily told Eskild the - from his side - good news and already visualized himself living here. Eskild seemed like a good landlord, one that wasn’t constantly on your case for putting too much rubbish in the bin in front of the house or stupid stuff like that. 

 

“That’s great! I actually don’t have other interested parties, I guess living so close to the hospital isn’t something a lot of people want. It can be a bit loud with the ambulances. But I’d be happy to have you as my lodger. What date works for you? First of March?” 

 

Isak nodded. That gave him around two weeks before he could move in. Hopefully enough time to seal the deal with Mr. Skrulle and figure out the future of his clients. Smiling, he made his way home. It was finally happening. The picture he had of his life was coming true,step by step. 

 

*

 

“How are you feeling about all this?” Even asked Isak. Both men had traded their morning workout session for a walk with the horses. Isak had Waterloo on the lead rope and Even, Billy. It was only one more week until Isak officially moved, five before his new job would start and he wasn’t too sure how to answer Even’s question. 

 

“I don’t know. I’m excited about working as a doctor again and to have my own place, that’s an appropriate size for just one person. But I know that I’m going to miss this.” Smiling, Isak pet Waterloo’s neck. It was a sunny day, finally getting warmer, the snow slowly melting. 

 

“Is it still the right decision?” 

 

Isak nodded without thinking twice.  “Definitely. I just never would’ve thought that horse riding would be this big a part of me. And now that it is, it’s a bit sad to not have him right outside my door, you know? I also know I won’t have the time to come see him every day and I’m not sure how to feel about that.” 

 

“The way you talk about that horse … should I be jealous?” Even asked with a wide grin. Isak shoved his shoulder huffing. 

 

“It’s a horse, Even. I won’t let it sleep in my bed. But they do take up a big space in your heart.” Isak sighed. Who’d have thought he would be sad about not seeing a horse everyday. 

 

“Mhm … I guess.” Even looked at Billy, seemingly thinking. “What are you going to do with him? I mean, if you don’t have time everyday?” 

 

“It’s not  _ if,  _ it’s  _ when _ ,” Isak corrected. “I thought that maybe … I mean if you still want the therapy sessions with Eva, that you would want to do them on Waterloo? That way you still wouldn’t have to pay for it and I would know that Waterloo was ridden?” Isak might’ve been thinking about this for a couple weeks now. 

 

“You’ve put some thought in that, Mhm?” Isak shrugged and nodded at the same time. “You know that I can pay for it, right? That was never the problem?” Isak thought back to Even being happy over having work but didn’t ask. 

 

“No, I know.” is what he said instead. “I just thought it might be a good compromise. Because the Skrulle family wants to stick with the work with kids and … Well, you’re not a kid. But I know it helps you.” 

 

“It did help me a lot, you know? Can’t really describe it but I feel more in control. That none of our friends - or you - make a big deal out of my bipolar helps as well.” Even gave Isak a small smile. “I think … we should start treating it like it is. Talk about it from time to time and not pretend I’m completely healthy.” Isak wanted to argue with him, tell him that he was healthy and that he had nothing to talk about. But he knew that it would be a lie. Even wasn’t completely healthy when it came to his mental health and it was okay. He knew how to handle it and he had people around him who knew how to handle it. Or ignore it. 

 

“I thought you didn’t want to be controlled?” Isak asked. 

 

“I don’t. But things like this, you thinking about my therapy … because that’s what it is … it shouldn’t be on your mind for so long. It should be something we can talk about over dinner or when we run into each other.” 

 

“Normally I’m good with this stuff, you know? Taking medical issues like they are and treating them like it. But with you … I care a lot about you. And I just don’t want to push you away. With Julian … I don’t want to lose you, too.” 

 

“Hey, it’s about communication, right? We talk to each other. And we need to talk about all of me. About my disability and feelings. Just like we need to talk about your feelings. I promised you I’d communicate. If I ever feel like you’re controlling me or doing too much, I’ll tell you. And I know how you feel about promises but I mean it. I’m not going to just leave you.” Even’s eyes were looking right through him, into that part of Isak that wanted to believe him so badly but didn’t know how. All he could do was hope that Even would stick to his promise, and put himself out there, be vulnerable and give Even that power over him. 

 

“So, You’re going to take over Waterloo a couple of days a week?” Isak asked. He couldn’t give Even the answer he wanted to hear. But his boyfriend simply smiled and intertwined their hands. 

 

“Sure. We should probably get back soon if you don’t want to be late to your own farewell party.” Right, that was today. It wasn’t a real party. More of an “I have food, and my friends and Clients will come and say goodbye” gathering. They had put some tables in the riding hall to keep somewhat warm and protected from the wind and maybe rain - you never know. 

 

“We should probably ride back,” Isak said and stopped to get Waterloo ready for his plans. 

 

“Ride? With what?” Even asked, not liking Isak’s idea. 

 

“What do you mean with what? You don’t need a saddle to ride a horse. Especially these two. We’ve done it quite often.” Isak laid the lead over Waterloo’s neck and knotted it into the halter. Even’s eyes grew larger when he realized what Isak was talking about. 

 

“Oh, no. I might be okay with sitting on a horse, but for sure not without … security. That doesn’t look safe at all.” To help himself get onto Waterloo, Isak had led the horse  to a nearby fallen tree, to use as a step up. He grinned widely at Even. 

 

“It’s fun! You feel way more free this way.” It was a lot more work with his legs, now that he didn’t have reins to help him, but he had always loved the feeling. 

 

“Yeah, I don’t care. I’ll meet you back at the ranch, I’m going to walk.” Even pointed behind him but Isak wasn’t having any of it. 

 

“No, c‘mon.” He made grabby hands in Even’s direction. “Just … get on Waterloo and you can hold on to me. I’m going to take Billy.” 

 

Even did prefer to have both feet on the ground, Isak could see that. Which is why he was surprised when Even actually sighed and handed him Billy’s lead and used the tree to get on Waterloo behind Isak, holding onto him for dear life. 

 

“Sometimes I wonder why I do these things for you,” Even mumbled. 

 

“Because you know that I’m right. It’s going to be fun.” Isak grinned and gave Waterloo the signal to start walking, Billy walking right next to them. 

 

“You’re really full of yourself,” Even said and pinched Isak in the side where he was holding on.

 

“But you knew that.” 

 

“Yeah, I did.” It was mumbled into Isak’s shoulder, followed by a kiss. And Isak? He was happy with his life.

 

*

 

It was a nice gathering. There was plenty of finger food served in the riding hall, parents were talking to each other, the kids were running around or wheeling around and everyone seemed to have a good time. When Isak had first told the parents about him selling and that the ranch would get new owners, none of them had reacted happily. It came as a surprise to all of them and just because the therapists would be the same, it didn’t mean that the mood around the ranch wouldn’t change if there were new owners. 

 

Isak didn’t try to take away those worries. How could he? He had similar ones and wasn’t in any position to give promises. The contract had been signed and the ranch was officially the Skrulle’s on the first of March. It had taken some time but most of the parents seemed to have accepted the change and were at least able to give it a try. 

 

“What are you doing, sitting here on your own? This is your party.” Jonas had found him where he was watching the party from outside, sitting on the fence . 

 

“Thinking.”

 

“About how this is a happy moment I hope? It’s a bit too late to have second thoughts.” Jonas hopped up on the fence next to Isak. 

 

“Yeah, it is. It’s just … Magnus was right, you know? I need to forgive Julian. When we met up again for him to sign the papers … he didn’t even want to talk to me. He just signed and was gone.” 

 

“Do you? Forgive him?” Jonas asked.

 

“I think I need to. I mean thinking about it, it wasn’t all his fault.” Jonas went to interrupt but Isak held his hand up to make him stop. “No, listen. He cheated and that was shit, yes. But I couldn’t give him what he needed. Intentionally or not, it was partly my fault. And Magnus was right, we would’ve broken up anyway, since he wasn’t happy. As shit as the last year was, I’m just glad I got Even out of it. I should thank Julian for that.” 

 

“And you think that’s a good idea? To tell him you’re thankful for Even?”

 

“Maybe not with those exact words … but I do need to talk to him again and clear all of this up. I can’t move on otherwise. And besides, I need one last signature.” 

 

*

 

To say that Isak was exhausted after his first week back working in the hospital would be an understatement. He was once again glad that he didn’t have to walk far to get home. He only ran into two boxes that he still needed to unpack and fell face first on his couch, ready to not leave it for a while. His eyes were heavy and it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep. Only that didn’t last for long. He felt like he slept for a couple hours but his clock told him it was only twenty minutes.

 

Someone was knocking on his door, which probably was what had woken him in the first place. Whining a bit, he got up from the couch to open the door. That better not be some kid trying to sell him something. And why did he get up anyway? Whoever it was could simply come back. Isak’s brain really didn’t function all that well in his current state. 

 

Opening his front door he felt like collapsing into the body in front of him. And because his brain was partly asleep already, he did. 

 

“Wow, you weren’t exaggerating when you texted me how tired you were.” Even caught and closed his arms around his boyfriend. Isak mumbled something into Even’s chest and was ready to fall asleep in the warmth of the other’s body. 

 

“Okay, let's do this somewhere more comfortable.” Somehow Even managed to kick the door shut and maneuvered Isak into his bedroom and onto his bed. Isak smiled at the thought that this was the first time he had Even in his bed. After four months of dating. “What are you smiling about?” Even asked, pulling Isak in his arms. “Happy to be in your bed?”

 

“Happy to be in my bed with you,” Isak said, eyes closed and ready to sleep. 

 

“I’m going to stay for a bit. Get your sleep, Is.” Even kissed him on the forehead and played with his blonde hair. It only took a couple minutes for Isak to fall asleep. 

 

When Isak woke up next, it was to the smell of food. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it was coming from this apartment which meant that Even was still here. Which was unexpected, given that he had come over midday after Isak’s morning shift and it was now dark outside. With a big yawn, Isak stretched and got out of bed. He was still wearing the clothes he had worn under his hospital gown. Before he went to find his boyfriend he changed into something more comfortable - a hoodie and a pair of joggers. 

 

Even was really sitting in his kitchen, working on his laptop. He was working on the last changes on the horse race movie. Isak knew that he hadn’t done much else during the last weeks. A pot on the stove seemed to be the source of the smell. 

 

“Morning,” Isak said and sat opposite to Even. His boyfriend looked up with a smile and closed his laptop. 

 

“I thought you would sleep through the night. How little sleep did you get this week?” Isak shrugged. He wasn’t sure. It wasn’t that he had crazy hours like he had in his internship. But with the constant change of shifts, it was hard to develop a sleep schedule. So he either couldn’t sleep at all or woke up way too early. He just hoped he’d get used to it before his courses started in summer. 

 

“I thought you were only staying for a bit?” Isak asked. Even got up to pour some of the soup in a bowl for Isak. 

 

“I was. But then I thought it would be nice to spend the night with my boyfriend instead of being alone.” He said it so casually as if it wasn’t a big deal. But to Isak it was. And he was sure that it was to Even as well. In four months they had taken it slow, not spending a night together. It wasn’t even about sex for Isak. He was just happy to sleep next to Even and wake up with him. 

 

“Yeah?” Isak smiled and took the bowl Even was offering him. 

 

“M-hm. If it’s cool with you?” Even asked and sat down in his chair again. Isak nodded.

 

“It’s cool.” 

 

Not having slept enough during the last five days left Isak still tired, even after his nap. So both men decided to go back to bed. Isak got comfortable with his hood up and cuddled into Even who pulled the duvet over both of them. 

 

“How was your first week?” Even asked. They hadn’t really found the time to really talk during the week. 

 

“Good. I just walked with some other doctors to get back into it. Dr. Petterson thought that might be a good idea since I haven’t been active in my job for a couple of years. But it feels good to be in contact with patients and having the rush of things.” 

 

“I really admire you for doing the job you’re doing. I couldn’t do that. Too much responsibility. I’m just going to stick to making movies.” Even kissed Isak on the forehead and kept on playing with his hair. 

 

“And you’re so good at that! Did you get a lot of work done?” Even nodded. 

 

“Yeah, Will just sent me back his thoughts and I’m working on his comments. After that I’m done.” 

 

“You happy about that?” Isak knew Even hadn’t completely enjoyed this job or the subject. 

 

“I mean I would’ve made a movie about a different subject. But he’s thinking about going to some film festival with this movie so that’s good. My name will be on those flyers. Might open up some opportunities for me.” 

 

“Aren’t we one successful couple,” Isak teased and leaned up to kiss Even. That night nothing happened but the showing of love and affection with kisses and tender touches. 

 

*

 

Isak and Julian were sitting outside the café. Summer had arrived and the streets were busy again, even at this hour. Julian was reading through the papers Isak had brought him, while Isak was watching him. He knew what he had to do and how to end this chapter of his life. Afterwards he would go home, call Even and hopefully fall asleep to his voice in his ear. Maybe even convince him that he could still get to the hospital on time if Even spend the night. 

 

“Sounds good. The ranch is sold and the money is split between us.” Julian summed up what he had just read and reached for the pen to sign the papers. 

 

“I’m letting Waterloo stay with them. We have the same deal for your horse in case you want to put him somewhere else … or you know … simply ride him.” That was another thing Isak didn’t understand. How could horse obsessed Julian just forget about his horse?

 

“Yeah … I do kinda miss him.” Julian smiled while looking down. Isak didn’t answer. What should he say? He knew why Julian didn’t come by even if it was his right to. They only would’ve ended in yet another fight. 

 

“Let me drive you home.” Isak put some cash on the table, enough to cover their coffees and stood up. To Isak’s surprise, Julian followed him. On their way to Isak’s car, the blonde guy lit a cigarette and offered Julian one. Unsurprisingly, he took it. 

 

“I’ve thought about the last year,” Isak started what he had prepared to tell Julian. “And I’m sorry.” Julian looked at him with raised eyebrows. 

 

“You’re what?” 

 

“Let me say this. It was shitty to blame you entirely for how we ended.” He didn’t say cheat. This was a peace offering and he didn’t want to rile Julian up again. “People need love. And we had a great love and relationship for many years. We made it through some tough times. But at some point we lost it a bit. And I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you the love you needed. Also that you felt like you couldn’t talk to me about it.” 

 

They had reached the car and stamped out their cigarettes before entering. It was empty on the streets as they drove. People rathered walking and enjoying summer finally being here. 

 

“My friends tried to tell me that it wasn’t my fault that you cheated, but I think we were both at fault. Things like this don’t happen out of nowhere. I guess I just want to tell you that I forgive you and thank you for the amazing years we had. I think … I think we lost our love and we can’t find it again. But I found that love in someone else.” 

 

They reached Julian’s new flat but stayed in the car. Isak turned off the engine.

 

“I don’t think it’s your fault,Isak. But I knew you weren’t happy. Of course, I knew that you would rather be cutting someone open than riding horses all day. I know you. It made me feel guilty.” This was the most honest they had talked in a long while and it felt good. Freeing. “I guess I thought I could be better with you if I made someone else happy. I chose to make someone sexually happy. And that was stupid. But I couldn’t make us both happy and that was killing me.” 

 

“I was happy with you. Just because I wasn’t in my dream job doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy with my relationship,” Isak shrugged.

 

“Like you said, we were both at fault. Thank you though. For telling me and I guess for the happy years we had.” Isak nodded smiling and Julian opened the door. Isak turned the key to turn the car back on. 

 

“Hey Isak?” Julian hadn’t closed the door and was leaning in to look at him. “Good luck with Even. I hope he makes you happy.” 

 

“He does.” Isak smiled, starting the engine up again to drive to the man who made him feel the happiest. 

 

_ Fin  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seven months later and I've finally finished this story! I don't think that any writing project this short has ever taken me this long. New ideas are already on paper but I will take a break and write some chapters before posting them. I don't want to have long breaks in between the chapters again. Thanks again to Jenn for proofreading and all of you for reading! xx

**Author's Note:**

> I read about the five stages you go through after a break-up. So this one was anger. The next chapters will be one emotion each.


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